Mom to an unnamed baby
Lost in June 2010 (EDD January 6, 2011)


Born still March 10, 2012 (EDD July 29, 2012)

Portland, Oregon

A miscarriage or blighted ovum turned out to be the most horrific thing I’d ever gone through, or so I thought at that time. My body was slumped over the bathroom floor that hot afternoon in June. I was told to expect “period cramps and bleeding,” but this was a pain unequalled to anything I’d ever known. It was as though my insides were ripping apart, my abdominal cavity was closing in on itself. Beads of sweat poured down my face and I contemplated calling an ambulance. “Is it supposed to hurt this bad?” I thought to myself. I stumbled to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I felt something at my cervix and felt inclined to push, I was consumed with terror as I knew whatever was there was indeed no blood clot. To my horror I heard a splash in to the toilet, my heart thumped from terror afraid to look. I still to this day don’t know what it was, maybe it was placenta. Shock, fear and anger possessed me as I stood there limp, looking at the tissue and blood that passed from my body. My hands were smeared with it; the bathroom floor and sink were riddled with it. That day was the worst day of my life…but only up until that point. [Read more…]


Mom to Lily Sarah Ellen

Lost on August 31, 2011

Mountain View, CA


“There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

My daughter Lily went from living in my womb to residing forever in my heart on August 31, 2011. I was 14 weeks and 4 days pregnant. At the time I am writing these words, it has been nearly three months since I lost my baby girl, just about the length of time I carried her in my body. Many of these lines were lifted straight from the journal I started while I was hospitalized following her death. If it seems disjointed, it’s because it was written over a period of many days, during many different moods. It has been a difficult process, putting them to type, but one done in loving memory of the baby who will always be, to me, my first child. Not a “miscarried fetus” or a “hope of a baby that never was,” but my first child: a true, unique and beloved individual. My story is a tribute to her memory, and is written in the hope that it may bring both comfort to other mothers who have lost their precious unborn babies, and awareness to those who, having never experienced such a tragedy themselves, are struggling to understand the experience.  [Read more…]

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