Mom to Dillan Jesse P. Leombruno
September 17th, 1999
12:20 a.m. – 1:52 p.m.
Clifton Park, New York
Dillan’s Life…..

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Mom to Andrew Monroe
November 4th, 2007 – November 30th, 2007
State Road, North Carolina
My husband, Skip, and I met 7 years ago, and finally married March, 2, 2007. We were so happy to actually be married, and were excited to start a family. We found out that we were expecting at the end of June 07. We were so elated to be bringing our first little one into the world. The expected due date was 2-21-08, which fell in between the rest of the family’s birthdays. Mine is 2-14, and my husbands is 2-20, not to mention the rest of the family with Feb. birthdays. so the two of us argued about who’s birthday our li’l one’s would end up falling on. The 21st would have been solely his though.

I went to all of my doctors appointments, and I had the most amazing doctor ever, and the pregnancy was going along smoothly, and everything was perfect. All of the tests came back negative.. and all the ultrasounds showed our li’l peanut to be growing just as he was supposed to. All of his organs were forming and working just as they should while still inside mommy.

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Mom to 
Ayanna Sarai, Lost to Ectopic Pregnancy, January 2003
Tatiana Alexis, December 28th, 2005
Cameron Alexander, July 6th, 2006
Maia Elise, Lost to Chemical Pregnancy, 2008
Gavin Michael, July 23rd, 2010
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Mom to Solomon
Born and Died on March 8th, 2000
and Z, Miscarried October 23rd, 2000
Oceanside, New York
Solomon was the name I gave my son, it means “peace.”   Solomon I chose, by myself, as my husband could not deal with the loss.  In retrospect I couldn’t either.  But when we learned he in fact was a he, I did what I always do – I searched on the Internet to find a name suitable for the son I would never have.

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Mom to Hannah Katherine Larsen, September 21st, 2009
Angel Baby, November 23rd, 2006
and Angel Baby, December 28th, 2009
Morgan, New Jersey

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Mummy to Catharine Ellen 
Born too early on June 11th, 2005 at 17 weeks
and Isla McKenzie 
Born sleeping on September 9th, 2010 at 23.2 weeks
Geelong, Victoria, Australia
Three weeks ago last night I gave birth to my second baby girl too early for life outside the womb.
Five years previous my waters broke and I delivered our second child, Catharine Ellen.

Catharine’s Story written in 2005.

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Mom to Tanner Ray Johnson
November 30th, 2007
Paw Paw, Michigan
We found out that we where pregnant in july 2007.  It was a shock because dr’s told my boyfriend who is now my husband that he would not ever have any children. My husband is an over the road truck driver and I went with him when he was out.  

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Mom to Jillian Hannah
Born on December 5, 2009
Passed away Peacefully on December 9, 2009
Boston, Massachusetts
I got pregnant with Jillian in July 2009. I loved every second of being pregnant, despite terrible morning sickness and back pain. I was more in love with our baby girl than I had ever thought possible and couldn’t wait to meet her at the end of March 2010.
On December 5, 2009, my husband and I were getting ready for a Christmas party. When I was getting dressed, I noticed that my underwear was wet almost immediately after putting it on. I put on a pantyliner, but my underwear was so soaked that it wouldn’t stick. I changed my underwear and immediately soaked through two more pantyliners. At first I thought I was just having my typical pregnancy-related bladder issues, but I quickly realized it was something more serious. I called my doctor’s office, then lay on my bed waiting for them to call back. They called and told us to go to Labor and Delivery, and when I stood up to go, a cascade of fluid fell to the floor. I knew we were in trouble.
We raced to the hospital, and when we got to a triage room less than 15 minutes later, my jeans were soaked to my ankles. There was no question in any one’s mind that my water had broken. I got into bed and was quickly sent for an ultrasound. Our sweet baby came onto the screen, moving normally with her heart beating. I looked at my cervix and realized it didn’t look right. I looked at the doctor’s face to see what I could tell, and he was making that face that you never want to see on the face of a doctor. My cervix was totally dilated and effaced – he said it was essentially gone.
I returned to the L&D floor and was pumped full of drugs. The OB on duty that night was from my practice. I’d never met her, but her name and face were familiar, so I was comfortable under her care. She told me that I would be on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy, and that we were going to try to calm things down and keep me pregnant for as long as possible, but for now the goal would be another 48 hours. She told us that a team from the NICU would be coming for a consultation, and when they arrived, I don’t think I totally listened because I couldn’t grasp that we would actually need them.
Things did eventually calm down, and the doctor told me I could have dinner. My husband ran to grab soup for us. I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I remember feeling like things might turn out just fine. Everything fell apart as soon as that thought crossed my mind. My nurse had me roll over on my left side and was moving the fetal heart monitor. Then my doctor was suddenly over me, doing the same thing. She then said that the baby needed to come out now.
Before I knew it, I was in the operating room, strapped to a table, with an anesthesiologist running a yellow plastic toothpick that I couldn’t feel down my side. I was squeezing the heck out of some body’s hand and trying to figure out where my husband was. He joined me soon after I realized he wasn’t there, and then I felt pulling and tugging, heard a million voices around me, and next thing I knew, I heard three tiny cries. They were so faint that I still can’t believe I heard them. Our little Jillian, born 16 weeks too early, weighed 1 pound 9 ounces, had a full head of dark hair, and was beautiful. The NICU team wheeled her by my head as they took her from the room. All I could really see was that she was tiny.

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Mom to Joshua William Varley, Miscarried on May 21st, 2010 at 7:30am 
And Bentley James Varley, Miscarried on May 21st,  2010 at 9:00am
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
My pregnancy wasn’t planned but I couldnt have been more excited, scared out of my mind, but so excited and so in love with my baby from the second I found out.. (I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom). Everything went well, I had bad nausea but other than that not a bad pregnancy at all. My first US was scheduled for May 18th 2010 ( i would have been almost 18 weeks) but on May 17th, my water broke. I went to the hospital and they sent me home after simply telling me to come back for an ultrasound the next day.

Went back to the hospital on may 18th and they did the ultrasound, and told me my amniotic fluid levels were VERY low, but that THEY seemed to be doing ok. THIS is how I found out I was carrying twins…. they didnt do anything and sent me home again so I went to another hospital, they took blood and gave me another ultrasound and gave me antibiotics then sent me home to be on strict bedrest.

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Mom to fraternal twins Aiden (4/13/09-4/14/09) 
and Sophie (born and died 4/13/09)
Lacrosse, WI
I married my husband in August of 2006.  We wanted to start trying for a family right away, so I immediately stopped taking my oral contraceptives.  I had a suspicion I might have a little trouble in the baby-making area because my periods had always been irregular.  So we just decided we wouldn’t really “try,” we’d just not use protection and see what happens.  Well, because my periods were so irregular, I kept thinking I was pregnant.  I must have taken 35 pregnancy tests in the next year-each one of them saying “Not pregnant.”  So by the next fall, I was ready to actually start trying.  I started to chart my temps and use Ovulation tests, reading forums online and talking to friends that had fertility issues.

A year later, we still weren’t pregnant, so my doctor sent me to someone in the women’s center of my hospital.  She immediately diagnosed me with PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) after looking at me and listening to my symptoms.  She gave me one month’s worth of the lowest dose of clomid and said we’d go from there.

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Mom to Bobby
Born asleep on July 3rd, 2009
London, UK

The Other Half and I had been together 8 years when we finally agreed to start trying for a family. We began our TTC journey at the end of October 2006.
It wasn’t until Sunday 1st March 2009 that we got our long awaited BFP. We were finally going to become a proper family after 28 months of trying.
My pregnancy with Bobby or ‘Bob the Blob’ as he was nicknamed was a tricky one.

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Jessica and Danny
Parents to Grace, EDD January 2nd, 2011
Grew her wings on July 18th, 2010 at 16 weeks
Bethlehem, PA

A letter to my daughter:

My precious little Grace, you are so loved, and so deeply missed. I found out about you on Cinco de Mayo! I was at work, and after having peed for about the 12th time that day, at lunch I decided to go to the local drugstore and buy a pregnancy test. I went back to work and directly to the bathroom. I remember I bought one of those digital tests, didn’t want to have to mess around with pink or blue lines…. I barely had gotten the cap on before the word “Pregnant” popped up in that little window. In that very moment, I became a mom….

About 9 weeks into my pregnancy, I developed hyperemesis gravidum. I was put on bedrest at home and was on IV therapy for 5 days. I knew then that you were your father’s child- causing trouble so early. I cursed every time I got sick, but at the same time kept remembering that me being sick meant you were that much healthier, as the hormones that cause morning sickness decrease the risk of miscarriage. ( Or so I had read.)

As time passed, food became tolerable, even enjoyable… I started to relax, to enjoy my time with you. I started to show early, around 13 and a half weeks, I had a definite “bump” and I loved it!! I had so many plans for you Grace, your dad and I were so excited…

On Thursday, July 8th, you gave me a little scare… I went to the bathroom at work, and when I wiped, I saw bright red blood. I called my doctor’s office right away, and they asked if I was cramping at all, and I said no. So they told me it was probably nothing, to go home, take it easy, and to call them back if it got worse. They also scheduled me for an appt the next day, just to be sure. Well, the bleeding stopped, and my anxiety eased. When I went to my appt on Friday, there you were, squirming around in what seemed to be an ocean of amniotic fluid, happy as a clam, with a good, strong, heartbeat. My doctor checked my cervix, and everything was fine! You seemed unfazed by the previous days events.

On July 10th, we were visiting your Godfather, my Uncle Michael, at his house to celebrate your cousin Sara’s 6th birthday. We were surrounded by our family, and during the afternoon, we Skyped with your great- grandparents in Switzerland, and your cousin in Portugal. They all saw you, in bump form, poking out of my bathing suit! Your dad and I were SO happy that day!
I remember feeling a bit crampy on the ride home that night, but chalked it up to gas pain, as I had eaten more that day than I had in quite awhile. When we got home, we pretty much went right to bed, we were both exhausted from the day. Your dad says I fell asleep first, which I must have, because the next thing I know, I feel this gush between my legs that woke me up and I checked for blood right away. There was no blood, and I rushed downstairs to the bathroom, leaking the whole way. I kept trying to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, I had peed in the bed (God, I wish that was what had happened)… But sitting there, I knew what had really happened. I felt my heart break in that very moment. Your dad called the doctors office and we left for the ER before they even called back, because by then, I had started to bleed a litte.

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Mom to Dexter
March 9th, 2009-March 10th, 2009
Palm Bay, FL
Seeing those two faint pink lines on the pregnancy test was a shock. I remember feeling overwhelmed with so many different emotions. I was surprised. I was excited. I was terrified. My boyfriend & I had only been together a little under 2 years. I had two children from my previous marriage & I was sure that this was a bit soon for us. When I revealed the pregnancy, I didn’t get the reaction I had been hoping for. I had pictured being embraced & told that we could do it. Instead I was met with resistance & fear. I know that he was only scared but it was a rough two weeks where the fate of our baby & our relationship was up in the air. I was pressured into getting an abortion, something I was very much against. I made the appointment, but only with the hopes that my boyfriend would change his mind & not let me go through with it. The waiting period killed & I agonized over the fact I would be leaving my relationship to go raise the baby on my own. Luckily, the night before the appointment, I was met with a car & a onesie by my sheepish looking boyfriend when I got home from work. “Let’s do this”, he said. It was the happiest moment in my pregnancy. & so we were off on a journey.
My pregnancy with Dexter had started out rough, but soon fell into a normal routine. I took my vitamins. I went to appointments. I was still high risk, as my daughter was born with a heart defect & I was also diabetic. But I took my insulin & I kept to my diet. I did everything I could to make sure I had the healthiest pregnancy possible. For a while, everything seemed great. On one appointment at the high risk doctor .. I found out we were having a boy. I took great pleasure in telling his Daddy the good news when he got home from work. Dexter Beckett was on his way. (Beckett was chosen in honor of Daddy’s sister Becky, who died from breast cancer.)
Dexter’s Daddy was so involved. He’d talk to my belly & shine lights on it. He’d anxiously try to feel any movement that he made. I was in love with my two boys right there. We had one more serious appointment for an ultrasound at a specialist .. to make sure that Dexter didn’t have the same heart condition that his older sister had. I drove out to Orlando to find out. It was the one hurdle that I had been waiting for. After a long afternoon .. I got the okay. His heart was PERFECT. All my fears were lifted. Any worries just dissipated. I felt like it would going to be smooth sailing from there. This was January 18th, 2009. Little did I know my world would begin to crumble just over a month later.
We were all so happy. We went shopping for crib bedding, clothes .. the perfect travel system. His Daddy picked out a special little puppy toy for him & lots of cute little shoes. I don’t think I have ever been as happy as I was in this time. & I fear I will never feel that happiness again. We had a wonderful Valentine’s Day & things seemed perfect.
Early morning of February 26th, 2009 .. around 5:30 am, I was abruptly woken from a dream with what felt like someone spilled water. I immediately jumped to my feet & ran to the bathroom. I wasn’t worried. Several times in my pregnancies I have had “accidents” in bed. I didn’t feel like anything was different. Until I stood up from the toilet & the liquid didn’t seem to stop. I suddenly knew something was wrong & I remember saying “No no no no”, over & over again. I called to my boyfriend & told him I had an emergency. My water had broken & I was only 27 weeks pregnant. He asked me what to do & I told him to call an ambulence. The moments laying on that bathroom floor, gushing fluid, were some of the longest of my life. I didn’t feel pain, or contractions, but I knew this couldn’t be good. My son’s father was so brave for me during all this. Helping me get dressed & as I was taken off in the ambulance .. he told me that he broke down & cried.
To my surprise, my labor didn’t start. I was told to calm down & let’s see what happens. I was undoubtedly going to be in the hospital until he was born. My doctor came & told us that each day Dexter remained in my womb would be another percentage added to his survival. He hoped for at least 33 weeks. I prepared myself to do that. I told myself that I could do that. During my 12 day stay on bedrest in the hospital my labor only started up twice. The first time they stopped it with drugs. The second time, I had a fever & it would be time to deliver our son.

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Mom to Audrey
September 10th, 2009-September 11th, 2009
Demoines, Iowa

It was 6 am Sunday morning when I woke abruptly. As my water broke I rushed to the bathroom thinking, “this is too early, oh God no no no, it’s too soon for this!” That was September 6th. I was 24 weeks 6 days pregnant. So, off we went to the hospital and my life was forever changed – just like that, in a matter of seconds.

When my husband, Jamie, baby and I arrived I was examined and admitted due to premature rupture of membranes. I had no infection that caused the rupture according to blood cultures, and at this point it is only speculation that my cervix may be incompetent. I was told, “this will be your new home here at the hospital until this baby decides he/she is ready to be born.” (We didn’t know we were having a girl, because she wouldn’t un-cross her legs during her ultrasound.) All we could do was wait and pray that she stayed inside the womb. Which meant I was on strictly bed rest, which I was not fond of, but I was full of hope and optimistic about my baby being a miracle. I was willing to do whatever it took like any mother -to -be would.

We were given milestones to meet, the first was 48 hours. I was given steroid shots in the bum (ouuucch) those first two days to help with lung development. We made it and we were so relieved. After all, that’s what the perinatologist told us was so important for her survival. We continued on with such confidence and we reached 25 weeks…Monday came and went, then Tuesday, and Wednesday.

Thursday at about noon I got a headache I didn’t think much of, why would I? I’d been laying in this hospital bed for days now, my back felt achy and my neck was tense. I remember visiting with my dad, we were sitting there sharing our hopes and dreams for the future as we watched a building being constructed across from the hospital. I had no doubt that I would be taking this child that was inside of me not only home, but out and about-to the mall. Anyway, I had a second visitor as my dad was leaving, a dear friend who brought me some comfy maternity sweats for my anticipated long stay. As I visited with her I started to feel as though something in my body was making a turn down a one way street. As she left I called the nurse, I was beginning to get ill and go into labor. My nurse called the OB on duty, who called the Peri.

At 6:59 September 10th our sweet baby girl was born. I had a c section because she was breach. The peri warned me the day I was admitted that a c section would be necessary if “baby” didn’t drop into position by time of delivery. I was prepared for that mentally, however, since I believed I would beat the odds and continue to carry her closer to her due date I really thought I wouldn’t end up with this scar I will forever carry. (In more ways than one). With that said the OB came into my room just before they prepped me for surgery and said, “If you want we can try vaginal because baby is so small.” I said no because I was sure that she would die before delivery if we “tried” vaginal. I was afraid of the toll the infection was taking on our baby, her heart rate was very sporatic on the monitor. Having the surgery seemed my only way of saving her.

So, there I was laying on the table in the OR looking into my husband’s eyes when I heard the OB say,”You have a girl.” It was not the joyous exclamation that Hollywood portrays. His tone reflected what we were all thinking…” possibly just for now.” I didn’t get to hold her, hear her cry or even look her over to see that all her parts were perfectly made. Instead a team of experts worked to secure our daughter’s place in this world and I was taken back to my room to “recover.” I told Jamie to stay with Audrey and don’t worry about me, just update me whenever he could.

So, he did. I vaguely remember what order the updates came, thanks to morphine. The first obstacle – she had a blood clot in her umbilical cord where they needed to put a tube; they would continue to work, until they were successful and indeed they got through it. I was told at one point she wasn’t getting much oxygen to her blood though she was hooked to a ventilator, then she turned around. She started to slip at another point and Jamie signed a consent to do a blood transfusion because she was fighting the same infection that sent me into labor. All the while I was trying to wiggle my toes-I’d be able to go see her when I could. I never wanted to simply wiggle my toes so bad in my whole life. I was scared and I was numb emotionally as well as physically.

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Mom to Caleb Anthony
Born too early on April 12th, 2010
Omaha, NE

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. When I was little, I used to get in trouble for “mothering” my little sisters and brother too much. Other kids wanted to be astronauts, or police officers, or firemen…I wanted to be a mom.

When I met my husband, he didn’t want kids. After several years of dating, he came around to the side that he might…someday…be okay with kids. We got married in October 2008. He became more and more comfortable with the idea of a baby, and I managed to convince him to start trying in the spring of 2010. A little after that, we discovered that we were getting the chance to go to Italy in October 2009, and somehow we decided to start trying while on our trip. I still remember the time when I turned to him in bed, and said, “Hey…you wouldn’t want to work on it in Italy, would you?” His response of “Sure” made my jaw drop. I said, “Um, you know what I mean by working on it, right? You know what I’m talking about?” He laughed and said “Yes, I know.” SQUEAL! We were off!

We didn’t get pregnant in Italy, but I found out I was pregnant on December 29, 2009. I told Chris by putting a picture of the positive test inside a video game case. We were both beyond excited.

My excitement soon took a downward turn when at 6 weeks, I experienced a stabbing pain in my side. Since I hadn’t had my first doctor appointment yet, the midwife we were seeing advised us to go to the ER just to be sure. The doctor there examined me and saw some blood around the cervix, and told me I was probably miscarrying. I was devastated. They did an ultrasound, and after a few minutes I saw the flickering of our little jelly bean’s heartbeat.

It was fairly uneventful after that. I continued to have bleeding off and on, but the baby’s heartbeat continued to be strong and our NT scan was perfect. Everything was looking great. We told our families on Valentine’s Day, and they were ecstatic and so excited.

We scheduled the BIG ultrasound for April 20.

On April 5, I went to the bathroom and felt something like a balloon pop, and a gush of red water came out. I was terrified. Chris convinced me to look for the heartbeat with our home doppler, and I was able to find it. That reassured me a bit, so I waited until the morning to call the midwive’s office. They got me in right away, did the ferning test, and told me that it wasn’t my water breaking and to just take it easy. But the continued bleeding was worrying the doctor. She moved my ultrasound up from the 20th to the 9th.

I wouldn’t make it that far. In the early hours of April 7th, when I was 18w5d pregnant, I woke up in the middle of the night to water gushing. I found the heartbeat with the doppler again, but I couldn’t contain my fears this time, so we went to the ER. Once there, I passed a huge blood clot (larger than a golf ball) and kept bleeding. They did an ultrasound. I was able to see the screen during it, and I knew my baby was in trouble. There was no black surrounding him (though we didn’t know it was a him yet). The doctor told us that I had zero fluid left and that I should be induced. I texted my family and best friends that we were losing the baby. I couldn’t stop crying. Eventually a second doctor – an MFM – came and talked to us. She was more optimistic but still presented the grim facts: only 1-2% of babies in this situation make it. She ran over our options with us, and we decided to wait it out. If I could make it to 24 weeks without delivering, the baby would have a chance. I would be admitted to the hospital with the goal of making it 48 hours, and then I would be discharged and on strict bedrest at home until I reached 24 weeks or delivered. At 24 weeks, I’d be readmitted to the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy.

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Mom to Rowan McCleskey (miscarried at 13 weeks, 2 days on August 17th, 2009);
and Levi Matthew McCleskey (June 28th, 2010-June 29th, 2010, 19 weeks)
Pensacola, FL

How did we end up here?

I most likely cannot do my children any justice with mere words, but I can try to keep their little spirits alive in me by telling and re-telling these stories. I’m a mother, but probably not in the way that you would expect. Our children do not live among us, for they were too precious for this place. They hurried on to Heaven and I can hardly wait to meet them there.

Rowan’s Story

Matt and I had been married for a little over 2 years, and had been trying to conceive for much of that time. See, we were nearly 30 and ready to begin our family building. After a few rounds of Clomid, and a much needed get-away I found out I was pregnant on June 24, 2009. To express my jubilation at the news would take far too much space…and Matt…oh if I was excited then I don’t even think there is a word to adequately describe his elation. We could not wait to be parents. We began telling everyone at once. I was about 6 weeks along, and we didn’t think 34 weeks was enough time to tell all of our friends/family. We started buying baby goods, and had the nursery ready for our little peanut at 12 weeks. Everything was perfect, all my appointments were great and the baby was growing big and steady. We had seen Peanut at 9 weeks, and had listened to the super-fast, strong, heart beat then as well.

On August 17, 2009, our lives were forever altered. I woke up at 6:45, as usual, to get ready for work. I used the bathroom, and felt something like a ‘slipping’. There really isn’t any way to describe it. I reached down to see if it was blood, and I caught Rowan in my hands. He was perfect. Ten fingers, toes, all with nails, a face identical to his daddy….just far too small to ever stay here. We called my doctor and went to the ER. I had a D&C and developed an infection (as I had to wait nearly 18 hours w/o food or water for the surgery). It was a nightmare. The hospital had let Matt take the baby home, since we wanted a funeral and he was to be issued no birth certificate because it was a miscarriage, a ‘spontaneous abortion’ – ugh! that phrase makes me furious still to this day. I was in the hospital for 3 days and finally was able to go home. I held Rowan for hours. I memorized every inch of him, our friend Donna came and took pictures, I didn’t want to ever forget a moment with Rowan, or any special feature of what he looked like. He was perfect. My angel love.

[Read more…]

Mother of Kenny
Stillborn on May 1, 2010
Easton, MD

At 35, when my husband Ken was 44, I finally got pregnant for the first time through fertility treatment. We had had three failed IUI’s, and without much hope for success, we attempted a fourth IUI cycle, not because we or our doctor thought it would work, but because insurance had already approved it, and we couldn’t attempt our first IVF cycle until I lost some weight. Much to our thrilled surprise, it did work! My due date was August 12, 2010. 

My pregnancy was completely normal and healthy. I didn’t have a single complication or worrisome symptom. At every ultrasound, Baby was right on target for growth, and at 20 weeks we learned we were having the boy we had so hoped for, and that Ken had predicted from the beginning. We were over the moon.

Because of the difficulties we had had getting pregnant, I had sort of expected a miscarriage in the first trimester; I just felt like that would be par for the course for us. But it didn’t happen. We sailed into the second trimester, and naively believed we were home free! We spread the word to co-workers, neighbors, church friends, and of course family. We collected used nursery furniture and tons of baby hand-me-downs from friends, we registered, we narrowed down a list of names, we had plans. I met with my Headmaster and planned to miss the beginning of the next school year on maternity leave.

And right when everything was going so well, when I was looking forward to decorating a nursery, when we were trying on different names for size, when my mother-in-law had just finished crocheting a beautiful blanket for our son, and the day after invitations went out for what was to be the first of two baby showers, our lives changed forever. In the middle of a beautiful spring afternoon, while sitting in bed reading with the windows open, my water suddenly and inexplicably broke. I stood up, terrified and confused. I was only 25 weeks. It was way too soon.

Within minutes I discovered that my son’s cord had prolapsed, and I went into panic mode. I was home alone. Ken was at work, over an hour from home. I called 911, and in the ambulance, the paramedic called Ken to tell him I was on my way to the hospital. At the hospital, prepared to perform an emergency c-section, they took me into the Labor & Delivery OR and turned on the ultrasound machine. There would be no surgery. My baby was dead. The pressure on his cord had blocked bloodflow.

In shock and despair I was admitted to the hospital, with plans to be induced, but I asked to wait for Ken before this was started. As it turned out, it would take him 2-1/2 hours to arrive because of traffic. When he arrived, I was given an epidural, induced, and spent a night of fitful sleeping, in labor, but not feeling a thing.

Kenny, named after his dad, was born the next morning, Saturday, May 1, 2010, at 6:24am. He was beautiful and perfect, and even big for his age. He was 1lb, 13oz, and 15 inches long. He looked like his daddy, but he had my nose. We spent seven hours with our beautiful, precious boy, heartbroken and unable to understand why this would happen to us after everything we had been through to get pregnant in the first place. I cherish every moment I spent with him, but they will never be enough. I treasure every photo we have of him, but there will never be any more. I remember every kiss I placed on his cold body. We will never get to hear him laugh, to see him take his first steps, to teach him his ABC’s. He will never be a student at the school where I teach, and he will never watch a Steelers game with his dad. Our hearts ache for all the things Kenny will never get to do.

[Read more…]


Mommy to Laken Taylor Johnson
Born an angel on April 08, 2010 at 22 weeks


Though a flower may not bloom,
In our heart, we still know,
The beauty of its blossom.
So it is with this tiny someone… [Read more…]

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