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Mom to Baby H

August 24, 2018

Millville, New Jersey

Before I begin, it is my hope that this post reaches more than just those who have suffered a loss. I hope it helps anyone with any kind of story. Mothers and fathers of children here on Earth, mothers and fathers of angel babies, single parents, grandparents, foster parents, adoptive parents.. Your story, whether it was easy or trying, is still beautiful. And it is yours, unique to you and your family. I hope my story helps you open yours up to the world. It deserves to be heard. 

This should have been the month where we announced you to the world. Instead, i sit here writing this as a way to heal my broken heart and reach out my arms to those who may also be suffering. How ironic that our baby would have been announced in this month. Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. A month where we remember all of the angel babies and celebrate them for what they truly are no matter how young or old, how early or far along they may have been. They were babies. They are babies. They are our children. They are the boys and girls we dreamed about, planned for, cried for, and prayed for. They should be remembered and they should be spoken of. This is me doing something I never thought I could do.. sharing my story because I know it’s okay and it’s what this world needs.. to knock down those closed doors and allow the conversations to flow. Because with conversation comes understanding and with understanding comes love and with love comes hope. 

So here I am.. making this announcement. Not the one I ever thought I’d make or ever wish on anyone. I am the 1 in 4. I had a miscarriage. I am also the 1 in 8. I struggle with infertility (secondary infertility, to be exact). I wasn’t very far along and I only knew about my baby for 10 days. But that doesn’t matter and shouldn’t matter. That shouldn’t be the statement someone tells you or even what you tell yourself: “at least you weren’t that far along.” At first, I said that. I said those insensitive words to myself to make me feel as though my pain wasn’t comparable to others, that I shouldn’t be allowed to mourn my baby. I couldn’t keep doing that though. In order to heal and to help others, I have to first be honest with myself. 

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Mom to Madison

March 17, 2014

Chatham, New Jersey

Our first child never saw the world. On March 17, 2014, we went into the hospital, 38 weeks pregnant, and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. Our lives shattered in an instant.

We had had an uneventful first pregnancy up until that moment. I threw up once. The nausea disappeared right on schedule. Our ultrasounds looked fine, even the third trimester ones. We were so happy, but also cautious… We didn’t announce the pregnancy beyond close family and friends until our third trimester. We had the most un-baby shower baby shower (no games, no theme, no opening presents). We busied ourselves preparing for the baby – moving, unpacking, getting the house ready. The day we finally felt that we could breathe, felt that maybe we were ready to actually have a baby, was the day our baby probably died. [Read more…]


Mom to Teddy
Lost November 25, 2009


Minka, lost June 8, 2011

West Deptford, New Jersey

My name is Ashley, I am 26 years old, and I am the mother of two Angel Babies. ♥ ♥

I found out I was pregnant with my first baby on November 4, 2009. Right from the start the doctors told me I was miscarrying, but I still held out hope. They said my baby was low in my uterus. My body was pushing it out. Something about the dates and sizes of my baby didn’t seem to match up at all. I know they say this sometimes happens, but mine were really off. But then at one appointment, the doctors called me an ‘enigma’ because my baby re-implanted itself up higher in my uterus. I heard its heart beating that day ♥ My due date was July 16th, 2010. For my next appointment, my pains were so awful I had them bring me in. The portable ultrasound machine was blurry. They asked me to come back in the morning for another ultrasound on the big machine. I did. My baby’s heart was no longer beating. [Read more…]

Nora Anne

Mom to three angel babies:

Mackenzie Lynn, miscarried at 15 weeks 2 days, June 2005

“Angel Baby”, miscarried at 5 weeks, June 2011


“Cucumber”, miscarried at 9.5 weeks, February 2012

Tuckerton, New Jersey

My story begins in March 2005 when my husband (then boyfriend) surprised me by proposing while on vacation in Palm Springs, California. Upon returning home to New Jersey, we quickly began planning our wedding for November 2005. We wanted to marry soon since my mother’s health was not good and it was so important to her and to me that she be there to see us get married. [Read more…]


Mom to her little one

D&C November 9th, 2011

Montclair, New Jersey

Our rollercoaster ride began almost immediately after our wedding in late June 2011.  That August, after having not gotten my period since two days after our wedding, I began to see medical professionals to find out why 1. I had not gotten my period and 2. I was feeling so tired, nauseous, and dizzy. I took lots of pregnancy tests and they all came out negative. In mid-September the symptoms had vanished and I got an ultrasound done that confirmed I had a cyst on my ovary and we were told it was unlikely I would be able to ovulate with it there. We were also told to wait a few weeks more and if I didn’t get a period that they would start me on a medication to induce my period to start. I began feeling all those symptoms again and took yet another pregnancy test just to check and it came out positive!  We were ecstatic!  It wasn’t in our plan but after all of this uncertainty it was a welcome, happy outcome.

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mother of Bailey Marie

Lost and born on May 3rd, 2005

Toms River, NJ

Stillbirth at 37 weeks


So really, I’ll start with May 1st. I was 18 years old and just about 37 weeks pregnant (36 weeks and 5 days I believe). I wasn’t with the father of my daughter, he was very unstable. I had the full support of my amazing family though, and that’s all I needed. This was a big day because it was the day of my baby shower, which my sister and I had together. She was due a week after me. We are 15 years apart and never dreamed of having babies together. In fact, I never wanted to have babies.  That was not how my life is supposed to go, though. [Read more…]


Mom to Trisomy 13 Baby – September 2010

and Baby Miscarried March 2011

Montvale, New Jersey

I was 39 had been TTC for almost a year.  I finally went to the fertility clinic and spent a lot of money on tests that were not covered by my medical insurance just to find out that I had an FSH of 18 and was perimenopausal.  I had diminished ovarian reserve.  I could take Clomid and to help me ovulate.  I took it and got pregnant the very first cycle on it.  [Read more…]


Mom to Dylan Harry

June 21st, 2006 –  November 13th, 2006

Maple Shade, New Jersey

I had a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy. 

Dylan came into this world on June 21 2006. He was 2wks early and thankfully so, because I was told had he gone to term he would have been stillborn due to a knot in his cord. We were so grateful and so happy to be holding our second beautiful little boy. [Read more…]


Mom to Baby O # 1, 1997
Baby O # 2, 2002
Baby O # 3, 2003
and Joseph Anthony, 9/11/2010
Boonton, NJ

Since I was a young child I always wanted to be a mother.  Within a year of our marriage I was saying to my husband a saying I would say for five years until we had the funds to have one it was “Lets have a baby”.  I never dreamed that anything would ever go wrong and that it was pretty easy “to have a baby”.

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Mom to Christopher Robin

March 7, 2010

Miscarriage at 18 weeks

Beverly, NJ

It all began December 5, 2009. I went to Target that morning to get a shirt for my company Christmas party and a pregnancy test.  I thought should I buy the store brand because they always come out negative! [Read more…]


Mom to Audrey

March 10th, 2011

South River, New Jersey

On March 1st, we found out she was a girl (which we had known all along!) I don’t think I could have been any happier. Everything they had measured at the ultrasound was fine. They just could not take a good look at her heart because of the position she was laying it. The ultrasound tech had to call in a doctor (not my doctor) to see if she could get Audrey to change positions. It was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. The doctor was being super rough on my belly and shaking it. (I didn’t know any better to say something!) After about an hour of torture, we scheduled another ultrasound on the 25th to get the rest of her measurements. Audrey’s heartbeat was a steady 143 bpm. [Read more…]

Mom to Hope 
March 19th, 2008
Vorhees, New Jersey
I am telling my story cause it gives me peace.   

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Mommy to Robert Francis DeRose
Learned of his demise November 17th, 2010
D & E November 24th, 2010
Elmer, New Jersey
The Story of My Son

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Suffered a Missed Miscarriage on March 13th, 2009
Wayne, NJ
My husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby back in November 08. We started trying and by the end of January, i found out i was pregnant!! We went to our first doctors appointment and found out we were 6 weeks along. We scheduled our first ultrasound for 8 weeks. So 2 weeks later we went back and saw our little peanut on the screen. The heartbeat was there and strong. We were so excited that we shared the news with a lot of people.

2 weeks later we were going away on vacation and i had a doctors appt the day before we were leaving. When i got there, i found out that they had overbooked my dr.(something the office ALWAYS did). I waited an hour for another doctor to see me. I wasnt very happy about this because I wanted my doctor, but i didnt have a choice. I finally got called in. I was seeing some doctor i didnt know. He did a Doppler on my belly, but there was no heartbeat. I must have asked him 100 times if that was ok and he INSISTED that it was and for me to go and have a great vacation. When we came back, we were scheduled for my 12 week ultrasound and I would see it was fine then. I left there feeling not so confident, but he was the doctor!
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Mom to Braelynn Marie
Died November 7th, 2007 at 20 weeks gestation due to a heart condition
Newark, New Jersey
After years of infertility, 3 early miscarriages, and 2 cycles of ivf, I finally got pregnant with the twins… I was a nervous wreck my entire pregnancy.

Then, three years ago November 7th, we lost our daughter Braelynn to a heart condition.

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Mom to John Dillan, Miscarried at 14 weeks on July 7th, 2009 
Fish, Miscarried at 10 weeks on March 1st, 2010
Baby #5, Miscarried in May 2010
and Hope, Miscarried on August 24th, 2010
Brown Mills, New Jersey

[Read more…]

Mom to Hannah Katherine Larsen, September 21st, 2009
Angel Baby, November 23rd, 2006
and Angel Baby, December 28th, 2009
Morgan, New Jersey

[Read more…]

Mom to Dylan Jazmel Sanchez
Stillborn on August 24th, 2010 at 27 weeks, 3 days
Rockaway, NJ

After a few unsuccessful attempts at IUI and IVF, and one ectopic pregnancy, my husband and I decided to slow down and try on our own for a while.  We were tired of all the visits and the probing and the needles.  We figured a little break would do my body good.  We changed doctors and were put on Clomid but decided to go at it the old fashioned way.

After three years of trying to get pregnant, my husband and I found out we were expecting!  Most people can not pinpoint the exact date their baby was conceived but being as obsessive as I was with the TTC process, I knew we had conceived our miracle baby on February 27, 2010.  There was a snowstorm that night so we were stuck inside with not much else to do.

When my period was late by a day (I know, we were pretty excited) my husband had a feeling that this was it so he ran out and got a test.  That was one of the happiest moments of our lives.  We could not believe that it turned out positive!  A few weeks later at our first doctor appointment, she confirmed that we were in fact pregnant and our due date was November 20, 2010.

We waited the obligatory 12 weeks before we told everyone, but once we started we could not stop.  Everyone knew how hard this process has been for us so everyone was so excited for us.  That didn’t mean we were any less nervous though.  Because we had already been on this rollercoaster ride once, we knew not to get too excited because we were afraid of what could happen.  But with each doctor appointment we went to, our fears eased up a little bit. 

At our 20 week ultrasound on Friday July 2nd, we found out we were having a boy.  To say we were over the moon would be an understatement.  The ultrasound tech told us that right off the bat and then she methodically went over his entire body, making sure all fingers and toes were accounted for as well as making sure all of his organs were functioning properly.  The only thing they found that wasn’t optimal was the umbilical cord only had one artery.  In a normal umbilical cord there are two arteries.  The tech called in the doctor to see it and he confirmed that it would not be an issue.  He said babies are born healthy with this all the time.  He made sure to check all of his organs again and again assured us there was no issue.  Everything was moving along great.

After our appointment we went down the hall to the cafeteria in the doctor’s office building where we ran into the doctor again.  He was getting his morning coffee.  My husband started bombarding the doctor with questions.  He needed more reassurance that this umbilical issue wouldn’t be a problem.  The doctor again reassured us that it was pretty common and not much of an issue as long as all organs were functioning properly (which they were).

So we left that appointment content.  We were ecstatic that we were having a boy.  My husband talked about nothing else for the next few days.  We finally felt comfortable enough to start making purchases for our son.  In the next few weeks we started to get the nursery ready

I started to have severe back pain.  I was 27 weeks at this point.  I had always had some back issues so I figured they were just aggravated by the extra weight my body was carrying with the baby.  I did not sleep at all that night but I went to work on Monday morning anyway.  I took a lot of Tylenol and was able to make it through the day ok.  That night the pain came back full force.  I was in so much pain but honestly did not make the connection that the back pain had anything to do with my baby.  I didn’t want to wake up my husband for something so stupid.  I took more Tylenol and tried to tough it out until the morning when I would call the doctor’s office and ask if they could give me something stronger.

I could not take it any longer.  I had my doctor paged and the on call doctor was another doctor in the practice whom I had only met once before.  I told him about the symptoms I was experiencing with my back and he said that they didn’t sound pregnancy related but that I should come into the office to get it looked at.  He didn’t sound too concerned though so that made me feel better.  As long as it wasn’t affecting my baby, I could deal with the pain.  He then asked if everything else was ok.  I asked him what he meant and he clarified, “how’s the baby, he’s kicking like normal?”

That’s when it hit me.  No.  I sat there and could not remember for the life of me when the last time I felt him kick was.  It had to be the day before during work, which I told him.  He said well you’ve probably been too preoccupied with the back pain and haven’t been paying attention but just in case go right away to labor and delivery so we can check it out. 

I keep thinking back to how stupid I was.  I did not want to go to the hospital so I lay back in bed and turned off the tv and tried to feel the baby move.  I was like, if I feel him move then we don’t need to go to the hospital.  But no matter where I poked him, I could not feel a thing.  I was like, ok, now I’m just freaking out a little bit so maybe I’m too paranoid to feel him.  So we got dressed and headed to the hospital.  All the while I truly believed in my heart that everything would be ok.  I thought I was overreacting and we would get there and they would find the heartbeat, send us home and I would just be a little embarrassed for freaking out like that.

Well that did not happen.  We were sent to a different hospital where the doctor was on call that day so we weren’t sure where we were going.  We asked someone on the first floor where labor and delivery was.  She asked if I was in labor.  My husband remarked in a joking manner “I hope not, that would be very bad”.  She directed us to the right floor and we signed in at the front desk.  They put us in an examination room and a nurse came in with the heartbeat monitor and started looking.  She picked up a heartbeat immediately and my husband let out the biggest sigh of relief I have ever heard.  He sounded like he had been holding his breath from the moment we spoke to the doctor on the phone.  Then she lost the beat.  She kept moving the probe all over my belly and had me change positions this way and that way until she finally gave up.  She said she had to get a more experienced nurse to look for me.  She came back with another nurse who again tried unsuccessfully for another 10 minutes.

That is when they got the doctor and brought in the ultrasound machine.  The doctor came in and set up to my left and was standing in front of the monitor, blocking my view.  My husband was sitting to my right and had a clear view of the monitor so I kept looking at his face for some indication as to what was happening on that screen.  He just looked really confused.  He didn’t understand what he was looking at.  After another 5 minutes of searching in complete silence (the longest 5 minutes of my life) the doctor turned to me and uttered the words no parent should ever have to hear “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat”.  The doctor and nurses all left the room so my husband and I could absorb what we were just told.

It was the most devastating moment of my whole life.  Everything that we had been planning for the last seven months came crashing down in that instant.  Our life would never be the same again.  He was holding me and crying and I just kept saying “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”.  I felt completely responsible.  It was my job to keep him safe and bring him into this world and I could not do it.  I had failed at the one thing women were perfectly designed to do. 

After a few minutes alone, the nurses came back in and moved us to another room.  I was still in shock so I just did as I was told but I had not yet registered what was happening.  I thought they were moving us so we would be more comfortable until they told me to get undressed and into a hospital gown.  The nurse started going over the process and that’s when it hit me.  I still had to deliver my baby.  Because I had lost another pregnancy I assumed it would be the same way.  I would take a pill and the pregnancy would be expunged…That was not the case here.  Because my baby was 27 weeks and 3 days old, I had to deliver vaginally.  At the time, I thought this was a very cruel thing to do to a person who just found out their baby had died.  Why couldn’t they just sedate me and take him from me via cesarean?  Wouldn’t that be the most humane way?  The doctor assured me that a c-section was major surgery and was not necessary in my case.  He assured me this was the best way.

So they gave me something to induce labor and so started my journey of the worst day of my life.  Little did I know when I woke up that morning that I would be delivering my son who still had 13 weeks to go before he was due to enter this world.  The rest of the day is kind of a blur.  We called family and close friends to let them know what was happening.  My sister was first to arrive and was devastated.  Then my mother came.  She lost her 16 year old son and still grieved for him everyday so she was just worried that I would never recover from this just as she has never recovered from her loss.  th.  He was less than 2 lbs.  They took him from our room to weigh him and clean him up.  I felt numb after that, like I was in a fog.  And empty.  That’s probably the best way to describe the feeling.  I could not handle the emptiness.  It was worse than the contraction pains, worse than pushing him out, just WORSE.  After a little while I asked them to bring him back.  I thought I didn’t want to see him.  I thought I wanted to push this experience out of my memory and move on like it had never happened but once they took him from me I realized I could never do that.  He had forever changed our lives.  They brought him back dressed in a tiny yellow and blue gown and hat and wrapped in a bunch of blankets to give him some heft because he was such a tiny little guy.  But he was perfect. 

He had all his fingers and toes and looked like a perfect little combination of my husband and myself.  We held him and kissed him and talked to him.  I wanted to make sure he knew just how loved he was.  From the moment we found out we were having him he changed our whole lives.  He was incorporated into every decision every everything.  We thought about him every second of every day and he just made us so happy.  I wanted him to know just how much he meant to us.  He may not have ever taken a breath outside my womb but he was with us for almost 7 months and they were the best 7 months of my life, without a doubt. 

We buried our son on Friday, August 27th.  No parent should ever have to utter that sentence.  We may have buried him on that day but we think about him constantly.  He will live on forever in our hearts.

The doctor explained that they didn’t know what had happened but our son had not been developing properly.  For some reason he was growing at a much slower rate than he should have been.  They are doing some chromosome testing to see if it will offer any insight as to what happened. 

It has been almost 3 weeks since we lost our little boy.  I miss him so deeply that its a physical pain.  I still have residual pain in my uterus.  The doctor says its because of the delivery but I think it’s because he’s no longer there.  I miss my son so much that my body literally aches for him.  I feel empty.

You can contact Besa at

Mom to Sweetpea, February 12th, 2009 (miscarried at 12.5 weeks)
and unnamed Baby, January 19th, 2008 (miscarried at 6 weeks)
Flemington, NJ

We had been trying for another child since my son was born in 2006. After a miscarriage in early 2008, we found out I was pregnant again in late 2008. This is the story of that second loss, the baby I called Sweetpea.

On Thursday morning, I saw the blood. A light pink stain as I cleaned up in the bathroom at work. Oh, shit, I said, under my breath. No, no. Not again. Oh, god, please. No. I talked myself into believing that it was nothing. That I would check again later. That I was imagining things. But I wasn’t imagining things the next time. I called the doctor, and they said I should come in today, even though I had a scheduled appointment on Monday, to see the baby, to see that everything was all right. They seemed so confident, that I believed them. I didn’t call my husband. It wasn’t necessary.

Until I saw the monitor, and the technician, searching. Measuring. Quietly. Looking for something that she wasn’t finding. I’m sorry, she said, I’m just not finding a heartbeat. Oh, god, I said. Oh, no. I covered my mouth, open, like an o. They took me to another room, said some things about what I should expect next, let me go. I cried a little. I hugged the midwife as she went to close the door and leave me to collect myself. I thanked her. I dried my tears and opened the door to the waiting room, walking through a sea of pregnant bellies. I saw a woman I knew in the parking lot, with her sick son. I sympathized, told her I would check on them this week. She didn’t ask why I was there. I drove home.

I became methodical: I emailed the people I knew who had known about it. I called the woman who had offered me her maternity clothes to tell her to give them to someone else. I went through the house, throwing away the prenatal paperwork that I was supposed to return on Monday. I threw away the container they’d given me for my first morning urine specimen. I threw away the pamphlets on prenatal nutrition. I threw away the paperwork to register for maternity stay. I told my husband. I cooked dinner, I bathed and put my son to bed, I checked work email, I went to bed.

On Friday, my car battery was dead. I was tired of death. My husband jumped my car. I went to work. I bled some. I went for a run, not sure if I could, not sure if I should. My body protested. I could feel the blood coming. I walked back. I went to a lunch meeting of mothers at Rutgers, sympathizing with people’s day care stories, feeling like I was talking in a tunnel, listening to myself in some other body. I bled more, and now even more. I excused myself, staggered to the bathroom, hoping that I was not leaving a bloody trail on the historic carpet. In the bathroom, I began to feel as if my body was emptying in great waves of blood and islands of slippery tissue. Would the bleeding never stop? I returned to my office. I saw a student for advising, making sympathetic comments about her problem. I drove home. I fed my family, I bathed and put my son to bed. I went to the grocery store to do my Friday night shopping, walking slowly. I came home, put away the groceries. Checked email. Went to bed. Lay awake, listening to nothing.

On Saturday, I baked banana bread while I made breakfast for my son. I walked with him to the library, promising him a trip to the store for a treat. I went to the toilet in the library. I knew something was coming, and I had to push, but it came — whatever it was, a mass of blood and cells and tissue — it looked like a human heart. It was my heart. I looked into the toilet, trying to see the baby I knew must have been in there, as my son sat reading Dora’s Valentine on the bathroom floor. I knew I couldn’t look much longer before my son would come over, and I didn’t want him to see that. It was surreal. I flushed it away, feeling sick, knowing what I had just done, washed my hands, ushered out my son, closed the door. The back pain was unbearable. I walked home, every step a torture. I made my son lunch, put him in the car. I drove the hour to my mother’s house to get her settled after her return from the knee surgery rehab. I ordered her dinner. I entertained my son while feeding him dinner. I drove home, made lemon poppy cake, checked work email, prepped my Sunday RE class. I went to bed, listening to the roaring of my heart and blood in my ears. I lay awake for hours, shifting to make the pain subside. It would not.

On Sunday, I made breakfast, collected our things, drove to church, set out the cakes and fruit for coffee hour. I washed dishes and made polite conversation about the minister’s pregnant wife, due a week before I would have given birth. I drove home, made lunch, returned to church. I taught class, beginning with a memorial service for the co-teacher who had died this week of a sudden heart attack in traffic. I drove home, went to the park, watched my son play in the puddles in his rain boots. I came back home, I made dinner, I put my son to bed. I baked a red velvet cake. I took hours to frost it. I roamed aimlessly; I lay awake for hours.

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