Mom to Lily

August 23, 2017

Ankeny, Iowa

The Day I Lost My Baby


During the six years I’ve been a mother, several loved ones have lost a baby from miscarriage. Some, as many as three or four. I always felt for them, cried for them, and prayed for them, because I knew that hurt would be one that would last a lifetime. But I, in no way, could ever really relate since I got pregnant on the first try with both of my children, and never had any complications.

Until the day I lost my baby.

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Mom to Baby Gunn

May 11, 2015

Overland Park, Kansas

Why did this happen to us? After months of trying to convince my husband to have another child, we finally began trying. We became pregnant and then 12 weeks later we lost our baby on the bathroom floor.

I just don’t understand it and I’m not sure I ever will. I knew from our very first ultrasound at 5 weeks in the emergency room for cramping that something wasn’t right. The doctor came in and said “we see a gestational sac but there is no baby in it at this time”, my heart sunk and I became speechless. [Read more…]


Mom to Baby A,
Lost April 10, 2009 at 5 weeks


Baby M,
Lost April 26, 2010 at 8 weeks

I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but circumstances in my life had always seemed to conspire against it.  So when I had a positive pregnancy test just three weeks before my 40th birthday, I felt overjoyed and blessed.  The doctors estimated that I only five weeks along and had only known about my pregnancy for a short time, but just knowing I was pregnant flooded my heart will a profound love. I never felt calmer and more peaceful in my life. The feeling of that first pregnancy was magical. [Read more…]


Mom to River Angel Marshall

Stillborn April 8, 2012

Smith Falls, Ontario, Canada

There is Grief and there is Gratitude.

Life can be so very cruel on occasion. I could list a dozen examples, heck, if I really tried I could probably list a hundred. What would be the point?

My personal tragedy isn’t unique to me, although my experience of it, and how I react to it and how it has changed me is unique.

After months of trying to get pregnant, Jason and I came to terms with the fact that we were unable to conceive without assistance. We contemplated seeking fertility treatments, but in the end we decided that was not the best option for us. We had a few reasons for coming to that decision; mainly there was a financial consideration, and secondarily was the concern about how hormone treatments might affect my already fragile emotional state, given that I suffer from anxiety disorder and depression. [Read more…]


Mom to Lily Sarah Ellen

Lost on August 31, 2011

Mountain View, CA


“There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

My daughter Lily went from living in my womb to residing forever in my heart on August 31, 2011. I was 14 weeks and 4 days pregnant. At the time I am writing these words, it has been nearly three months since I lost my baby girl, just about the length of time I carried her in my body. Many of these lines were lifted straight from the journal I started while I was hospitalized following her death. If it seems disjointed, it’s because it was written over a period of many days, during many different moods. It has been a difficult process, putting them to type, but one done in loving memory of the baby who will always be, to me, my first child. Not a “miscarried fetus” or a “hope of a baby that never was,” but my first child: a true, unique and beloved individual. My story is a tribute to her memory, and is written in the hope that it may bring both comfort to other mothers who have lost their precious unborn babies, and awareness to those who, having never experienced such a tragedy themselves, are struggling to understand the experience.  [Read more…]


Mom to Brinley Nicole

Stillborn at 37 weeks on August 18th, 2010

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina


From the beginning, I was scared of the little life inside of me. I didn’t know what I would do with a baby. I didn’t feel ready yet to be a mother. Of course, I loved little kids, but babies? Babies were a different kind of commitment. They completely rely on you for their comfort of living. It took me 8 months to be ready to have this new baby in my life. I was feeling ready to take care of her for the rest of my life. I looked forward to holding her, dressing her, feeding her, and playing with her. She was going to be a new chapter in my life that I was excited to start writing. [Read more…]


Mommy to Brandon Thomas

Stillborn on December 29th, 1997

Bowling Green, KY

At 18 years old, I found out I was pregnant. I was a month out of high school and supposed to start college in the fall. My pregnancy went forward like something out of a textbook: very healthy, no complications. I gained an acceptable amount of weight. I was four days overdue and had to be induced because my amniotic fluid started leaking. The delivery of my 1st child was completely normal. The only thing that was surprising was my son’s weight – he weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs 6.5 oz and was 23.5 inches long! His blood sugar and temp were low at birth, but after a few hours he was fine. My midwife told me that I “was born to have babies.” [Read more…]



Mom to Our Bub

Miscarried on July 13th, 2011

Queensland, Australia

My husband and I got married in early October 2008. We always spoke about children, but it wasn’t until New Years Eve in 2010 we decided that 2011 was going to our year to create our own little family. So I went off the pill in early January 2011. After going off the pill I had been on for around 10 years, my cycles were all over the place. I then got reading books and reading about charting my temperature as well as using ovulation kits to work out when I was ovulating and when my period was about to arrive. [Read more…]




Mom to Aubre Lynn and Colton Scott

Miscarried June 23rd, 2011 and June 24th, 2011

Washington/Prosperity, Pennsylvania

Where to start? Well, my husband (Scott) and I tried for 3 years to conceive on our own. Finally, we went and saw a fertility specialist. Long story short we conceived on our 1st try! We both were very excited. My fertility Dr. told me with what my blood count was at he was thinking it was multiples. We ended up conceiving twins. We both were very excited;  matter of fact our whole family was excited. I was doing great, feeling great and all of the ultrasounds were great. We had an ultrasound on June 22nd, 2011 (I was 18 weeks 1 day). Both babies were very active and moving around a lot. [Read more…]

Mother of River
Miscarried on April 18th, 2010
Philadelphia, PA
This will ramble. A lot.

My pregnancy was oh-so-planned. We had been trying since the late summer of 2009. I practice the Fertility Awareness Method, which many people confuse with the Rhythm Method. Sooooo, not the same. FAM requires you to be in tune with your body. I did the morning basal temperatures, the charting, I got familiar with my cervical mucus and I peed on ovulation predictor kits. To some that may seem like too much. I think it’s incredibly important and empowering to know how your body works.

There are way too many young girls and women out there who do not have a clue how their cycles work. And so many say, “Oh, I don’t need to do that because I can feel when I ovulate.” You sure can, but charting helps you understand exactly how your hormones are working. My hormones weren’t working 100% correctly. I had a little low progesterone and some wonky cycles. It was frustrating as all hell, but I had faith that things would kick into gear…and they did. I got pregnant very early in February. I knew pretty much from the get-go that I was pregnant. This caused a major freak out for me at work one night when I was alone at the clinic and got locked out of the building in our enclosed kennel yard, in 1.5 feet of snow, a blizzard, no phone, with a disabled dog and my son. I ended up climbing the 8 foot wooden fence and jumping over it to get in the front door of the clinic. The whole time I thought, “I know I’m pregnant. please God, don’t let this hurt my baby.” I flipped out from it, pissed people off at work for flipping out, but I had reason. I was so worried and then so grateful that everything turned out okay at that point.

I took a pregnancy test on February 18th. That date is significant to us as it was the third anniversary of the day our Abigael kitty died. Don’t roll your eyes, she was a VERY special cat and will have a spot in my heart forever. I was elated that good news came on such a somber date and took it as a reminder that new life always follows death. I took three tests that day, mainly because seeing that second line was so exciting and because I had a bunch of tests I didn’t want to waste. And those lines were DARK. Nice and strong. And so, I was definitely pregnant. And excited. Being a mother is what I was born to do. We all know how much I love pregnancy and birth, babies and children. I love being pregnant and there isn’t anything about it that I take for granted. The nausea, tiredness, ligament pain, heartburn, constant peeing, constant not pooping – all that can suck. It does. But, I embrace it. During this pregnancy, I would frequently say that I was glad to have the symptoms. The tiredness and nausea knocked me off my ass and it was so hard to stand up or even keep my head up at work. But, I was happy to have those symptoms to remind me that my body was doing something magnificent. I enjoyed every moment of those weeks.

I got my bump early. I’m a skinny chick with no torso. I’m all legs. Since my torso is short, there is practically no where for my uterus to grow. I was huge with David and everyone swore he was 12 lbs. He was 7. With this pregnancy, my body saw those two lines and said, “well, time to move stuff around.” I got that wonderful bloating, my muscle separated (bitches) and my intestines shifted within the first 4 weeks. By 6 weeks I looked 5 months pregnant. That’s common with subsequent pregnancies. I needed maternity shirts pretty early as a lot of mine just didn’t make it over my flubber. I had to buy a couple of tops because I didn’t have much in the way of cool weather maternity clothes. David was a summer baby and I lived in tanks and dresses with that pregnancy.

And I was bad at work. As a veterinary technician, I have easy access to ultrasounds. So….I popped a probe on myself at 5 weeks. All you could see was a sac at that point, but I checked again at 6 weeks – twice – and saw a little nugget with a beating heart. I looked again about a week later and saw a much bigger nugget with a very strong heartbeat. I had one of the vets come in and count the heart rate for me to double check the rate I got – 150. Very nice. Very strong. Girl, according to the wives tale. I had a sense she was a girl. I was elated to see that flicker on the screen each time. And I told myself I was not going to do another ultrasound for a while. The jury is out on the safety of frequent ultrasounds. ACOG doesn’t support them routinely in the first trimester. A few days later I had my first prenatal with my midwife. I declined the 8-12 week ultrasound scan, telling her that I saw my baby looking perfectly formed with a perfect heartbeat. I told her I would do the 20 week scan.

That night, I went to work and felt like supreme shit. That was a good thing to me. As we closed up the rooms and got ready to leave, my mind nagged the shit out of me to check myself with an ultrasound. I told myself to eef off, that I wasn’t doing it again for at least four weeks. My mind wouldn’t shut up, though, so I relented. Just for a second, I said. I popped the probe on my belly. I saw my perfect little baby, already a little bigger than she had been 3 days prior. The flicker was gone. I moved the probe around and jiggled my belly, figuring I just needed to reposition. No flicker. I shut the machine off. I turned it back on. I looked again. No flicker. No heartbeat. I turned it off and went downstairs as everyone was getting ready to leave. I locked myself in the radiology room and tried the other ultrasound. Same baby. No flicker. I prayed hard to God and every Saint. I looked again. No heartbeat. I composed myself and left with my co-workers. A few sensed someone was wrong, noting that I wasn’t as talkative as usual. I said I was just tired and hungry. I got in the car, drove off and started bawling.

I called Mike and proceeded to freak him out. And then I felt my blood pressure plummett to the floor, my heart skip more beats than ever and heard the sound of white noise in my ear. I did my best to compose myself and to calm down. It didn’t work. My heart went nuts. My blood pressure barely made an appearance. Afraid of a cardiac event (I have heart issues), I had no choice but to visit the emergency room at [name removed] hospital. All but one of our experiences with [name removed] have sucked. They were great with my husband and the people in their billing department have always been so nice. I had two experiences there when I was pregnant with David. I have absolutely nothing nice to say about their maternity care. Nothing. Especially since their only objective is to keep women quiet and slice them open. Anyway, that’s where I went. My other choice was [name removed], but it had a bad reputation when it was [name removed] and I didn’t want to take a chance. I didn’t tell them anything about doing my own ultrasound as I knew they wouldn’t be nice about it. I explained all my cardiac symptoms, they hooked me up to an IV, an EKG and oxygen. They pulled a ton of blood. I asked them over and over and over and over and over to check my baby, but they refused. Mike was persistant and they refused. They said if something was wrong with my baby they “wouldn’t do anything about it anyway.” It was determined that I just had a typical syncopal episode and I was sent home. I tried to relax. I convinced myself that I was wrong…that I did something wrong with my ultrasound, that our machines sucked (my opinion and it does not reflect the opinion of my place of employment)and that I was anxious over nothing. I called my midwife the next day and she said to try to stay calm and to scedule a “real” ultrasound in a few days. I agreed. I called or texted Lauren who tried to calm me, explained that I’m not a trained ultrasound tech and that everything is fine.

[Read more…]

Mommy to Alyssa Marie
Born sleeping on February 23rd, 2010 at 12:13pm
New York

My Name is Antoinette. I became pregnant with my first daughter at age 29 on July 19, 2009. I would like to say it was an uneventful pregnancy, but I cant. I was hospitalized in September 09 for severe dehydration and diagnosed with Hypermesis (excessive vomiting). After IV fluids and much needed rest i was released and told to take Zofran once a day until week 20. I am against ANY medication during pregnancy, but after much googling I found there were no risks to the baby by taking it and so I took it on a need to basis.

In my first trimester I lost about 15lbs, in which the doctor was not concerned. I had HUGE HCG numbers and this meant that my baby was strong and growing!! They were even wondering at one point if I may have been carrying twins because they were so high, but after seeing ONE incredibly strong heartbeat we just stuck with “this was a really healthy baby”. Once the ALL day sickness lessoned and then eventually stopped I began having awful back pain. I could not walk for more than 15 minutes without literally wanting to cry. I refused ANY type of medication and started seeing an Orthopedist who refused to treat me while pregnant, but said I was suffering from Sciatica, which usually does not start until the 3rd trimester. He referred me to a neurologist who then decided bed rest and some light physical therapy to ease the pain would be his treatment until after the baby was born. At this point I needed my husband for everything. I could not sleep, I could not clean, I could not cook and I could not walk without the pain shooting down my leg and up into my back. It was a sad time for me, I wanted to “enjoy” my pregnancy as much as possible. But, I knew that all this pain and “suffering” would be all worth it once my daughter was born.

When we found out we were having a girl, we were ecstatic. I had planned ALL the things we would do for our lives. We would be best friends and have the best mother/daughter relationship. With every milestone she hit I knew I was closer to having my daughter. She would always measure 2 weeks ahead with her weight and I knew she was going to be earlier than her original due date March 29, 2010.

Through out my pregnancy and BEFORE we even started to try I was tested for all possible complications and all tests were negative. I had no issues during my pregnancy that could possibly affect the baby. At my 28 week scan we saw our daughter moving around and all her organs were perfect. We saw the blood flow through her umbilical cord and with everything coming back perfect we knew that she was going to be just fine. It was not until week 35 that my fears of her not coming home subsided. I finally bought my FIRST baby things for my daughter. I had a baby shower and needed absolutely nothing, but I never had a bought a thing myself.

Two weeks before my life would change forever we were told that Alyssa became transverse in my belly. I became scared at this point that if she turned again she may get the cord around her neck and I was hoping and praying that everything would be ok. It was the last sonogram I had. February 17, 2010 when I brought my stepson who is 14 for the first time with us to see her heartbeat. It was amazing to have all four of us there as a family for his soon to be little sister. Again she was measuring 2 weeks ahead and they estimated she would be about 9lbs!!! She was 6lbs at this point.

The next day I woke up and my ring finger was purple…I was Swollen!! but not anywhere else but my hands. I had to have my ring cut off, which ironically was a cross ring i had not taken off in years. In my heart I knew something was wrong, but I took it as just last minute nerves for the “big day” coming up. The weekend went fine, but Saturday night after eating some spicy ribs I felt sick. I threw up about 7 times, and I was told that sometimes after having such severe morning sickness in the beginning that you will experience some at the end as well as the hormone levels are changing. That night I laid in bed and she was moving all around as usual. She would move ALL night long. It was our special time. I felt so close to her and even though I was feeling sick, I knew she was ok. I finally fell asleep.

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