Mom to Hudson Ruth

July 11-July 14, 2012

Walla Walla, Washington

It is hard to believe that the best days of your life can be the worst days of your life.

The best days of my life were the three days that I got to be a mommy to Hudson Ruth Walter. [Read more…]


Mom to twins, a boy and a girl, lost at 18 weeks on March 30, 2006

Mila Louise, stillborn at 41 weeks on July 1, 2011

Minneapolis, Minnesota

In 2004, when I was 27, my husband and I began trying to conceive. After months of not having any sign of a menstrual cycle, we were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. After many more months of brutally high doses of fertility drugs we finally got pregnant through intrauterine insemination. We were thrilled, however terrified at the same time because over stimulation of my ovaries caused me to become pregnant with quadruplets. At the suggestion of our perinatal doctor, we reduced the pregnancy to twins at 12 weeks. At 14 weeks and then again at 16 weeks my water broke. It was a gushing of fluid, but I thought I had incontinence and never considered that it could be amniotic fluid. On March 27, 2006, at 18 weeks, we went in for our level II ultrasound and found that neither baby had any amniotic fluid. Our baby boy did not have a heartbeat and our baby girl was alive but struggling with no amniotic fluid remaining. I had a D&E and began the journey to become parents once again. I was devastated, angry, and afraid, but we would not stop until we had our baby. [Read more…]

Mom to Lillian May
November 13th, 2010
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Friday, Novemeber 12th I was as happy as can be but I was one week and 2 days past my due date so I was a bit uncomfortable. The past couple of days I had been having a bit of cramping and light spotting, which I was told was likely my “bloody show”. I was a bit freaked out and didn’t know what “normal” was but when I called Labour and Delivery at the HSC, they said to wait it out and come in when either my water breaks or my contractions start. I was so incredibly anxious for my sweet little girl to be here and come home with us but she wasn’t quite ready, I suppose. So we waited and that day I was scheduled for a routine ultrasound because I was a week late and they wanted to check on her and talk about being induced.

[Read more…]

Mummy to Evie May
Born sleeping February 6th, 2010
Hull, UK

Mom to Preslie Quinn
Stillborn at almost 41 weeks on October 22nd, 2008
Lansing, MI

On October 20th, 2008 we were almost 41 weeks pregnant. We went in early that morning for a twenty minute non-stress test. Preslie passed with flying colors, they said everything looked good. They were going to do another non-stress test two days later, and then induce me a day after that. My husband Chris and I went throughout the rest of our day excited to know that by the end of the week, we would be parents. October 21st, 2008 was the last day I felt Preslie move. I remember like it was yesterday. Chris and I decided to carve our pumpkins a little bit early, so we wouldn’t have to worry about it when she arrived. I remember being so excited to carve pumpkins with Chris, since we had never done it before. I took on the big one for Chris and I, and he carved the baby one for Preslie.

The next morning, October 22, 2008, Chris went into work and I woke up at 11:00am. I knew instantly that something was wrong with Preslie. I laid there for about 5 minutes just wanting for her to move. I kept poking her, and moving a lot and still nothing. I got up, called my mom and she suggested that I eat some sugar and relax and just wait for her to move. I then called Chris at work and after that I called the doctor’s office. The nurse told me that sometimes babies go into a deep sleeps and to not worry but to eat a lot of sugar, lie down and count her kicks. I knew my baby and my baby moved… a lot. I went upstairs after eating 3 snickers bars, turned on America’s Next Top Model, and laid there and waited. Five minutes later Chris arrived home.

We arrived at the hospital and went to the triage. There they hooked me up to the monitor and searched… and searched… and searched. I lay there knowing that she was gone, pleading that somehow the heart would just start beating. The nurse kept saying “Come on baby. Please come on baby.” She also kept reassuring me that she was probably asleep and just in a weird position. She then called in a woman to do an ultrasound. Right when the ultrasound machine hit my stomach, there was Preslie’s chest with a heart not beating.

I remember just laying there in a daze of no emotion saying to myself “This can’t be happening. This isn’t real.” I don’t remember what everyone was saying to me, I only remember their mouths moving. I was so determined to have a C-section, so I wouldn’t have to wait knowing my baby was going to come out not alive. Of course they weren’t keen on that option.

I remember calling my mom, and then Chris’ dad Chad and then my own dad. I remember the sounds of their voices as I cried that Preslie was gone. I remember telling the doctor that we needed to start getting me set up to be induced ASAP, and that I could not carry around my dead child.

We had outstanding nurses, and Erika came to the hospital the minute I called her. I remember Chris and Chris Finley giving me a blessing, and then Ejay and Ann coming to see us, and then shortly Kara. Brian came later that night, and I remember all sitting around talking for hours and hours just waiting for Preslie to come out. I was having contractions, but I didn’t really feel them. I think the prayers of everyone helped me out so much.

I had an epidural around midnight, and shortly after that they gave me a sleeping pill and told me to rest. Not even 2 hour s later my water broke, and 2 hours after that I was pushing. I remember asking for a mirror to watch, but I think I closed my eyes most of the time. Preslie was born into heaven at 4:55am. She was 22 inches long and weighed 7 pounds 14 ounces.

I remember a lot before the sleeping pill, but not so much after. I don’t remember holding Preslie for the first time, which just KILLS me. I have pictures to prove I did, which is comforting. She was SO beautiful, with curly brown hair, long legs, cute little boobies, big feet, little cheeks, and she was just perfect. There was not a single imperfection at all. Although she was my baby, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. EVER!

Chris’ parents arrived a few hours before Preslie was born, and were with us the whole time. This was such a comfort for Chris and me. My parents arrived the next morning after Preslie had been delivered. I remember having to make tough decisions on what was to be done as far as the funeral, etc. Right when my parents came, Preslie was given a name and a blessing. My Dad, Chad (Chris’ dad) and Brian Hogge, were in the circle. Preslie’s blessing was so powerful and strong it was unbelievable. My mom’s friend Leeann made her dress, and added extra beading and sequins to it because it needed to be the most beautiful dress, and it was. An old friend of mine Andra made the headband that matched. She looked just like a princess, and all I could do is just hold her and wait for her to squeeze my finger. I held her for a long time, my finger in her hand just waiting and waiting and waiting.

After I had some time alone with her, Chris came in and we said goodbye. That was probably one of the hardest things, even harder than giving birth to her. Knowing that in a few days I was going to be leaving without her. I decided to stay one more night, and then go home the next day.

Going through the hospital in the wheelchair holding my coat, was another one of the hardest moments of my life. I remember in a baby story when they would wheel the moms out to the car holding their babies, and I would just cry. And now here I was crying because I did not get to leave with my baby. It was the longest ride through the hospital, and I will NEVER forget it. Every time I pass the hospital, I remember those exact feelings.

We later found out that week that there was a hemorrhage in the umbilical cord. There was nothing wrong with Preslie; it was just a fluke thing. We know that she was here just to get a little body, but the pain is still so real. It doesn’t hurt less knowing that she fulfilled her purpose. I miss her more and more every passing day and knowing that I am the mother of an angel is what helps get me through.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story, and I hope that Preslie has touched your lives as she has mine. She will never be forgotten. She will always be a part of our family.

[Read more…]

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