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Mom to Ivy Kathryn

June 1, 2017

South Africa

I had visited my cousin’s for the weekend. I came back on the Monday. The Tuesday I noticed she wasn’t moving and told my midwife that I hadn’t felt her or rather can’t remember when last I felt her. I had started before then to do a kicking chart and did it that night also, as my midwife instructed. I did everything. Drank juice, lied down on my left side. I rested. I moved, tried to feel her, talked to her. Deep down I knew something was wrong. I made an appointment with my general practitioner who I’ve come to trust although I planned on doing water birth with a midwife.

My partner did not go in with me. I later saw messages on his phone that he told his mother that he was so stressed for the doctor’s appointment but that he chose to not go in with me and should it not be good news, he wouldn’t know how to deal with it. It’s these little details one never forgets. The image of her in my womb, dead. Lifeless, my body had failed me. How she felt when she died. Did she feel? These thoughts haunt me, daily. 

During my pregnancy, I was fairly stressed. The worry of another child, how we must prepare, how we must prepare our 16-month-old baby boy for his sister got to me and my relationship. Still, my partner stayed. I try to believe and accept that it wasn’t her time and that it is not my fault. Heaven needs her more.

I went into the doctor’s room. I started the consultation by asking the doctor for something for depression or something to calm my nerves and broke down, as I have always felt ashamed to ask for help, emotionally. As if this makes me a weaker person. He said [it was] no problem and then I mentioned that why I was actually there was because I couldn’t remember when I last felt her moving. It did not quite register that there was no heartbeat and that he was looking at my placenta and that there was a tear right there. I was waiting for him to tell me everything is fine, just take it easy and go home, start your anti-depressants. Ivy is fine.

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Mom to Andrew

November 13, 2012

Ottumwa, Iowa

On the day I was 30 weeks pregnant, it started as a normal day. I didn’t have to work so I decided to spend the day relaxing and spending time with Derek, the father of my son. When I was laying in bed, I started shaking a lot, but was not in any pain, yet. After the shaking had calmed down, I decided I was going to get up and take a shower. As soon as I stood up, I had this pain in my belly. I really had no idea what was happening but at first it didn’t seem so serious.

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Mom to Mattingly Lynn

Died October 2, 2009

Kansas City, Missouri

I found out very early that I was pregnant, about 4 weeks. I just woke up one morning and had a feeling; took a test and it was positive!  My husband was scared to death when I told him, but we both started planning about the nugget growing inside of me. I had to scare my husband even more by telling him all the jokes I’d made in the past about having two little blonde girls, was more than a dream of mine – my father was a twin as well as my maternal grandfather. We had a high chance of multiples. [Read more…]



Mom to Grace

December 16th, 1998 – December 17th, 1998

Tasmania, Australia

After many months of trying to fall pregnant after a miscarriage we were thrilled to learn we were expecting a new baby. This baby was due February 22nd, one day after Granddad’s sixtieth birthday. The whole family was excited to be getting a new arrival. [Read more…]



Mom to Kaden Leon

October 22nd, 2007

Tempe, AZ

For the first few months of my pregnancy, Kaden was a happy, seemingly healthy little swimmer who loved music. I played songs to him with head phones on my belly and would turn the music up in the car. He would dance around in my stomach as the music played and it always made me smile. He seemed to be normal, healthy and perfect. I didn’t find out anything was wrong until I was around 5 months along in my pregnancy. I had an ultrasound and the doctor was concerned about the length of his limbs and was also worried about his facial structure. He told me about cleft lip/cleft palate and referred me to a specialist. All of that news was very frightening, but my love for my son had no bearing on his physical appearance and I was more concerned for him than anything.

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Mom to Brody Michael

Born Sleeping on August 21st, 2011

Ford City, Pennsylvania

Brody’s Story

Brody Michael Lukehart was a well planned baby. His father and I had some trouble trying to conceive but then magically two months after we got married, our miracle came. I had stopped wanting to take pregnancy tests because time after time, I was just let down. I could hardly believe it. Instantly, I turned into a mother. I became the healthiest I have ever been. I thought twice about everything I ate, drank, and did. I knew I wanted to stay at home so my life drastically changed. I researched everything I could about breastfeeding and became very proud of the fact that I could nourish my child with God given nutrients. I had his room planned out in my head. Frogs would be the theme. I had consumed myself with planning for Brody’s arrival all while having a strong intuition that I would never actually bring him home. I don’t know if it was a mother’s intuition, my own personal feelings of pessimism, or just God’s way of preparing me for the worst pain I would ever feel in my entire life. [Read more…]



Mom to Emily

December 28, 2010

Atlanta, GA


I was going to copy what I had posted on my blog, but I just changed my mind. I’m going to start fresh, from the moment we discovered her. The word “Pregnant” lighting up the little screen. I was shaking in anticipation and some fear of this incredible news. My boyfriend at the time never had a doubt or fear. He was instantly happy, and looking forward to having a baby. [Read more…]


Mom to Gavin Hunter
November 21, 2010
Goshen, Indiana
I guess my story starts in 2005 when I meet my husband Eddie. I already had a son when I meet him and we had our 2nd son in 2006. In March of 2010 we got married at the church that we attend. We had been talking for a year about wanting to have another baby but wanted to wait till after we got married so we started trying after the wedding. It took a couple months but sure an enough a couple days after my birthday I took a test and it was positive. We were so happy that we were having another little Stephenson growing inside me. We told all the family and close friends but wanted to wait till after the first 12 weeks to tell our boys just in case I would miscarry, we didn’t want to get there hopes up just to let them down. But after the 12 weeks came and went we thought we were safe so we told them. They were so excited that they were going to have a new brother or sister.
My pregnancy was a lot different then my other 2 sons my attitude changed a lot I was really getting depressed and was taking a lot of stress out on my husband since he was the closest one to me. I had made my first appointment when I was 8 weeks along and we talked a lot about my feeling and what was going on. My midwife said that a lot of pregnant woman get depressed and that taking an antidepressant would not hurt the child that was inside me so I started to take it in hopes it would help. It helped somewhat but I was still really depressed and stressed out. They upped my dose 1 time but after that I didn’t want it to be upped anymore because I didn’t want anything to happen so I just left it as it was. I attended all my appointments I had every month. I had an ultrasound at 20 weeks and we found out we were having another boy. We had an option to have a 3-D ultrasound and of course we had it done, and that was when I was about 27 weeks. Let me tell you the 3-D ultrasound is really cool we could see him we, know that he looked like his brother we could see him move his little fingers and toes, it was awesome to see.

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Mom to Cara Angel
Born at 30 weeks due to severe Preeclamsia and Hellp Syndrome
November 17th, 2009
Chicago, IL

No one ever talks about what could happen, or tells you about diseases to look out for during pregnancy. I bet 90% of women don’t know what Severe Pre-eclampsia or HELLP disease is. These diseases took my daughter’s life and almost my own. This is Cara’s story…

May 23th 2009
my husband and I learned that we were pregnant. Little did we know that this would have such a tragic outcome. November 17th 2009 we lost our little girl Cara at 30 weeks due to Severe Preeclampsia. She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was silentHere is her story…

My pregnancy was uneventful, typical first ultrasound and prenatal doctor appointments.
November 1 2009 at 28 weeks I went to my 3D ultrasound. We got to see our baby girl move and smile and even suck her thumb. Everything looked great.

November 2 2009 at 28 weeks I woke up with swollen ankles, my eyelids were even swollen. This could not be normal… I knew I had an appointment the next day but did not have a good feeling at all. I called my doctor and told them I needed to be seen right away. I was told a nurse practitioner was the only doctor to see me, at the point I did not care who saw me I wanted to be seen. I went in and they did a urine test (I later come to find out that I had 1+ protein in my urine…(protein in urine during pregnancy can be a huge indicator of pre-eclampsia.) We talked about my concern with Preeclampsia. My blood pressure was 128/90 which was my highest reading yet in pregnancy. Typically my blood pressures were 100/70 or 60’s…without any further testing…I was told… I was fine…I was young…I was sent home.

November 15th 2009 at 30 weeks It all began… I was laying in bed with ice packs on my head with a headache I would never be able to explain to anyone. Then came the vomiting. I called the doctor on call, explained my symptoms. I was told I probably had the flu and to wait 4 hours and if I still was feeling bad to come in. Within an hour I found myself on my way to the hospital. On the way to the hospital I knew something was very very wrong. I remember thinking that I was dying, I remember thinking how quickly I just wished to get there. As my husband pulled into the hospital… I had started seeing flashing spots/sparks and my vision started to go in my left eye.

November 16, 2009 I was 30 weeks and 2 days along. While checking myself in the hospital, I noticed I could not think straight or even pull my id card from my wallet, I felt like I was going to pass out. Upon entering my room, I began to vomit again. The nurse came in wearing a mask. Of course everyone was concerned about the swine flu. The nurse tried for about 10 minutes to find a heartbeat. Nothing…nothing at all. We knew something was wrong…all we heard was silence. In the back of my head I never in a million years would have thought that my baby was dead. I just thought…Just get a nurse in here that obviously knows what she is doing… I mean my baby just had a heartbeat not even two weeks ago! I called my mom and told her they could not find a heartbeat…she was on her way. The nurse said a ultrasound tech would be coming in to “get a better look.” When the tech came in we knew something was wrong. Not by the lack of a heartbeat sound…but by the way the nurse and ultrasound tech were acting. Nervous, on edge, jumpy. You just knew by looking at them, that something was horribly wrong.

On the screen we saw her in a head down position…no movement. I asked the tech if he heard a heartbeat, he said “The doctors will be able to have a better look.” Again I knew something was wrong but never did I think she was dead…I guess that as “a soon to be mother” a dead baby inside of you is the last thing that crosses your mind. My mom arrived, and my dad was on his way. When the doctor came in I knew immediately that we had lost her, because not only did a doctor come… two nurses came in as well. Very quiet…very slow. The doctor said “Laura your baby has passed.” My first thought was that’s impossible, there was no way, are you fucking kidding me? I looked over at my husband who was crying “no…no…” I began to cry…

From there my mind seemed to stop. It all gets real blurry from here…(every few months as I remember the events of that day I tend to fill in my story)

I remember suddenly a switch turned on… I was calm. I asked what is going to happen next, and was told I needed to deliver my baby. I could not believe it. I had to deliver a baby and I could not even keep her or see her cry or smile? I thought they would just suction the baby out…never I would I imagine that I would give birth to a dead baby. Those are things no one in life prepares you for or warns you about…things in life you don’t even think about. My mind was filled with 1,000 different emotions. The strangest feeling for me was…I was not scared...I did not care…I had no idea how sick I was and how sick I was going to become. I had no idea what time it was…nothing… I just wanted to go home and pretend this never happened, to pretend I was never pregnant to begin with. I wanted to erase all horrible outcomes from my head. I remember thinking “Ok ill give birth…lets get this over with…I want to go home…I want to go back to work…Ill just tell people to never talk about it…ill pretend it never happened…I was never pregnant.”

Blurry…its all so blurry. I truly believe now it was my body’s way (as well as Gods way) of taking care of me. Blocking any crazy emotions I had for the time being. I do not remember this part at all…I was told I was wheeled into a bigger room and right away was started on a IV hooked to fluids, blood pressure medications, antibiotics (because I was running a fever of 101), and magnesium sulfate (Anti seizure medication) My mom told me she never in her life saw nurses and doctors move so fast. I never once asked what time it was. I never asked what was going to happen. Never asked how sick I was or what was wrong with me. Never asked if it was going to hurt. Never asked how many times I would push, or how long I would be in labor…nothing. I was put on IV drug called Magnesium sulfate …It is a brutal drug.

[Read more…]


Mommy to Cristo Isaiah
Grew his wings on March 22nd, 2010 at 30 weeks
El Paso, TX

My story began on October 7, 2009. The day I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for some time, so when we finally got the positive test result we couldn’t be happier. I had a wonderful pregnancy, no morning sickness, no complications, hardly any weight gain. On January 28 we found out we were having another boy, our third son. We were so ecstatic. He was a very active boy, always moving around and kicking. Those were the happiest moments in my pregnancy.

On March 17 I felt a sharp pain under my belly and my lower back. I called the doctor and he told me to head to the hospital as a precaution. The nurse placed all the monitors and as soon as I heard my son’s heartbeat I breathed a sigh of relief. The doctor ordered an ultrasound and everything came out fine. His heartbeat was strong, he was moving around so I was sent home.

The next few days were normal. Baby was moving and I was enjoying every minute of it. Then Monday came, March 22. The day that forever changed my life. I went to work and had lunch with my two best friends. We talked about babies, our c-sections, being moms. I asked them to take me to the drugstore to buy some ibuprofen, which my doctor said I could take for my back pain, which is what I was feeling.

When I got back to my office was when I noticed my baby wasn’t moving. I called my husband, my sister, my mom, I told my friends. They all said that maybe he wasn’t moving because I had taken an ibuprofen and he was sleepy. I agreed with them but was still worried. I went about my day, picked up my son at daycare, went to the bank and then went home. My dear husband made me dinner and I lay down to do kick counts. Nothing, I felt nothing. I knew something was definitely wrong. I called my doctor knowing that I would get his answering service. I told them what was wrong and they told me that they would let the doctor know. Not even a minute had passed when I got a call back from my doctor. “Go to the hospital now!” he said. I could feel the sense of urgency in his voice. It was around 7:30 in the evening.

I called my sister Yvonne and dropped off my son. I was crying and my husband just kept telling me everything would be OK. I called my mom and told her what was happening. She told me to calm down, that it wasn’t good for the baby. I told her not to tell Carlitos (my 7 yr. old son) anything. The drive to the hospital was a long one which made me that much more anxious.

We arrived at the hospital and took the elevator to the fifth floor. They were already expecting me. They sent my husband to emergency to get my admission papers. What a mistake, I thought. I wanted my husband with me because deep down I knew that I was about to receive devastating news.

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Mom to Lyra Mae

Stillborn on December 18th, 2009 at 30 weeks
Wichita, KS

I intended to have very few children. And they would be a long ways down the road of our marriage. 5 years maybe? I wanted to travel and do my art and career. Husband was generally more open to the thought of children, and when we moved back to Kansas after completing school, we decided to try doing the trifecta of “the most stressful things in life”: moving, starting full time jobs, and getting pregnant after 3.5 years of marriage. We’re pros at flying by the seat of our pants, so we just went with it, and told everyone from the moment we knew we were pregnant.

Despite being utterly scared and ignorant about pregnancy and birth, we were also very excited. Husband poured over cloth diaper options, and we bought clothes very early on, even without knowing the gender. When we found out we were having a little girl, we immediately decided her name would be Lyra Mae, but decided to keep it to ourselves so we had a little secret between the two of us. It was a picture perfect pregnancy. No issues, no concerns.

Once we made it to the third trimester, I started to breathe a teensy bit easier. It was all downhill from here, right? Three days make up the finale of Lyra’s story. Three specific days in December which I look back on and wonder if we could have known.

[Read more…]


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