Mom to Odin Jimi

Born March 15, 2016 and Died March 18, 2016

Brisbane, Australia

Hi there men and women of the world. Thank you for reading, on the subject of the loss of a baby. I’m not going to lie, losing a loved one in any way, shape or form is horrible. It’s actually pretty shit… that is the best way to sum up the loss of a loved one in a few simple words. It’s completely shit. But to lose a tiny human that you’ve prayed, cried and taken many, many, many pregnancy tests for is beyond a feeling or emotion that I can describe. [Read more…]



Mom to Jonah Christopher

July 4, 2012 – July 17, 2012

Cincinnati, Ohio

A few weeks after my 17th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I was a junior in high school and my peers were discussing where they would be applying to college, summer plans, and how amazing our senior year was going to be. I no longer had the same priorities as the people I had known since middle school. I was wary of telling people I was pregnant, mainly because of the social stigma that comes along with being a teenage mother.

[Read more…]


Face of LossLaura

Mom to Jared Wayne & Jackson

October 28, 2012

St. Matthews, South Carolina

On May 28, 2011, my husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. On June 3rd, I noticed that I was 3 days late… and I’m NEVER late. I took a pregnancy test that afternoon and to my not-so-much surprise, it came back positive. My husband and I were both excited and nervous. We waited to tell our family until Father’s Day. We had made coffee cups for our fathers that said “To Be Grandpa, Feb. 2012.” My first doctor’s appointment was in the middle of July. We had an ultrasound done at our first appointment. I was around 10 weeks or so and to our astonishment, there were two little babies showing up on the monitor. My husband and I were floored! We went home and shared the news with our families and my side [of the family] reminded me that when I was little, I always said I was going to have twins.

[Read more…]


 Amber R


Mom to Carter 

Stillborn May 17, 2013

Ypsilanti, MI

I had an uneventful pregnancy. I had no morning sickness, and my biggest complaint was that I was tired in my first trimester. I never had any bleeding, and had no questions for my OB doctor. The appointments were uneventful, and as of 26 weeks everything sounded great.

[Read more…]




Mom to Olivia Madilynn

Stillborn November 23, 2011


Asher James September 10- October 23, 2012.

Schaumburg, IL

In June 2011, I found out I was pregnant and I was beyond excited. I told everyone right away and started planning the nursery. I couldn’t wait to find out what we were having, hoping for a little girl. We started picking out names and could only agree on a girl’s name – Olivia Madilynn. On my husband’s birthday, we found out we were having a little girl. I started making cute things for her and for her room. Even though I wasn’t due ’til February, our families had our baby showers in November. We received so many cute things for this little girl. I couldn’t wait till she was here and she could wear all the cute things but that all changed the week of Thanksgiving when I was 27 weeks.

[Read more…]



Mom to Jacob, a twin

Died July 6, 2008 and born September 10, 2008

Tucson, Arizona

My journey started in February 2008. It never occurred to me that I would have anything other than an ideal, fairy tale pregnancy. I would have a healthy baby and it would all be so easy and magical…Wrong! I found out at 13 weeks that I was having twins. This possibility never entered my mind. I was terrified, and my husband was terrified. But we knew it would be ok. We started planning, we picked names: Baby A would be Jacob and Baby B would be Kaleb. I dreamed about their room, I ordered their bedding sets and I bought letters to paint and hang above their cribs. I was secretly afraid I would mix them up so I wanted their names above their cribs. I painted them myself and had so much fun. [Read more…]



Mom to Eli Walker Weatherly

Born still April 18, 2012

Dallas, Texas

After 3 years of marriage, and serious struggles with infertility, my husband and I finally conceived our first child together. He was a boy, who we named Eli Walker. We could not have been any happier to find out that the week of our 3rd wedding anniversary we had finally been given the answer to our prayers. A baby. A baby boy, nonetheless. We went through the first 13 weeks as happy as two clams in our shells. There was nothing that could bring us down off of the high that we experienced knowing that we were going to finally start a family after such a tough journey with infertility. At 14 weeks we got a call from the maternal-fetal specialist that my OB had sent me to for a preliminary Downs Syndrome scan. The results of that test showed that our baby had a 1 in 11 chance of having Trisomy 13 or 18, but no risk of Downs. Trisomy 13 & 18 are little more than a death sentence of the chromosomal deficiency type. We did every test available, with the exception of an amniocentesis, to determine if he was going to be affected with T 13 or T18. After 4 weeks of tests and waiting for results, we got the answer that we were hoping for. No evidence of T 13 or 18 with Eli. Praise God! [Read more…]



Mom to Gunner Cruz

Born still April 19, 2012 at 27 weeks

Morrison, Tennessee

I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks on November 10, 2011. It was the most exciting day! I took 3 pregnancy tests just make sure I wasn’t imagining it. I surprised my husband when he got home by leaving the pregnancy tests on the bathroom counter. We were both so excited and already making plans for our future with this new chapter of our lives. We told our families we were expecting on Thanksgiving Day, 2 weeks later. I’ll never forget the feeling of telling everyone else, pure joy! [Read more…]



Mother to Jude Allen

December 21, 2011

Parker, Colorado


Jude’s Story (from my blog)
Jude was the child God had for us from the beginning. We will probably never know completely why we weren’t able to spend this life with him, but we wait with eager anticipation for the day we will all be together again in Heaven.

[Read more…]



Mom to Malach

Born and died September 17, 2007

Kalamazoo, Michigan

It all started with a positive pregnancy test as most pregnancies do. I was excited! We weren’t trying, but what are you going to do? I always wanted to be a mom and even though I was only 19 at the time I knew I could do it. My boyfriend was 25 at the time. It was our first child together. Everything about my pregnancy was normal. I got very lucky I didn’t have any morning sickness or any of the bad pregnancy symptoms. [Read more…]



Isabella Mae Camp

September 12th, 2011

Swanton, OH

April of 2011, was so busy for me. I was in school full time, just started a new job, my husband was working and my oldest son was just finishing up preschool. I always joked that my youngest son, Tyler, was just along for the ride. Tyler had just turned four on the 17th.



Mom to Olivia May

May 5th, 2011 – September 20th, 2011

Wichita, Kansas

Olivia was born at 27 weeks due to a placental abruption. My water had unknowingly broke 2 weeks prior also. Since her birth was rushed there was no time for steroid shots to help her lungs so she was born very frail but filled with determination. [Read more…]



Mommy to Benjamin David

Stillborn June 11th, 2007

Houston, Texas

On June 11, 2007 I had a regular doctors appointment. My mom, husband Jason, and brother Tyler went with me. I was 27 weeks pregnant and they doctor was trying to check the baby’s heart beat with the doppler. Well, no luck there, so he tried his ultrasound machine. Then sent me across the street to the hospital. [Read more…]



Mom to Mina Kathryn
February 18th, 2009 – February 24th, 2009
Tacoma, Washington

The story of our baby girl, Mina, everything that happened leading up to her birth and then, her passing. Just a warning though, that I do talk about girl parts for obvious reasons, so if that’s too much information for you stop reading here. : ) [Read more…]


Mom to Christopher Allen
Born Still on April 28, 2001

My name is LaRene, from Bellflower, CA and I am a mother of a stillborn child. My son, Christopher, was in 2001, at 27 weeks. I remember when I first found out that I was pregnant with him, I was so elated. I had already had one child and was ready for another. As I watched my body change, I embraced my pregnancy more and more each day. I talked to Christopher as if he was already in my arms, began picking out baby clothes and deciding what to name him. But around my 20th week, something began to go wrong. He felt different, didn’t move as much, and in my heart I think I knew something was wrong, but I shook it off. I remember walking to the laundry mat, which wasn’t too far from my house and while there needed to go to the restroom. Not wanting to use the public bathrooms, I walked home while the clothes were washing. In the bathroom, I noticed I was spotting and called my mother immediately. Luckily for me she only lived down the street and was able to take me to the hospital quickly. I was relieved to find out that the baby was okay and that I needed to rest and call my doctor the following day. When I saw the doctor, he said everything was fine but wanted me to rest for a week before going back to work. I had no idea that I would find myself in the hospital again a few weeks later.

I moved into a bigger apartment and one week later, my water broke at 25 weeks gestation. The hospital was able to stop my contractions, but now I became high risk and needed to have complete bedrest in the hospital. This was the most scariest thing I had to endure at that time. I was told that as long as I was able to stay pregnant past 28 weeks, the baby had a better chance of survival. I stayed in the hospital for two weeks, laying there doing nothing but reading through magazines, watching t.v., staring at the white walls and out the window, and occasionally had visitors. All the while scared out of my mine. I pleaded to my son to stay in as long as he could and assured him I would love him regardless. The day I had my son, I went for tests and everything looked good. His heart was beating and according to the ultrasound everything looked normal. Then later that night I began to have contractions. As they rushed me into the delivery room, all I could do was pray. My mother came immediately, as did my best friend. I was told that after I give birth, there would be many doctors and nurses around him because he would be very small and after they were done checking him, they would allow me to see him briefly before they would take him to NICU. I was prepared for that, but not for what was to come. Yes there were doctors and nurses around him after I delivered him, and although I didn’t hear him cry I expected that was normal since his heart had dropped during my final push. Soon my mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and I was told that my son was not breathing and they could not get a trachea down his throat. He was born still. I still remember the aching scream that came from my body as I called his name, the pain my heart felt and still feels to this day. Even as I write this, I began to cry because he never got to see me, feel my kisses, or know the love I have for him. It has been nine years, since he returned to Heaven and I believe that my grandmother was there when he was born and carried him to Heaven. I have to believe that because it would pain me to think he was alone. I have my pictures, my memory box, his clothes he was baptized in, and my memories of him as he grew within me and I will always love him. I know that there is a reason for everything and it is not up to me to try to make sense of it, but I can’t help to continue to long for my son, Christopher Allen, born still on April 28, 2001.

LaRene can be contacted at lg0218@yahoo.com


Mom to Dylan Jazmel Sanchez
Stillborn on August 24th, 2010 at 27 weeks, 3 days
Rockaway, NJ

After a few unsuccessful attempts at IUI and IVF, and one ectopic pregnancy, my husband and I decided to slow down and try on our own for a while.  We were tired of all the visits and the probing and the needles.  We figured a little break would do my body good.  We changed doctors and were put on Clomid but decided to go at it the old fashioned way.

After three years of trying to get pregnant, my husband and I found out we were expecting!  Most people can not pinpoint the exact date their baby was conceived but being as obsessive as I was with the TTC process, I knew we had conceived our miracle baby on February 27, 2010.  There was a snowstorm that night so we were stuck inside with not much else to do.

When my period was late by a day (I know, we were pretty excited) my husband had a feeling that this was it so he ran out and got a test.  That was one of the happiest moments of our lives.  We could not believe that it turned out positive!  A few weeks later at our first doctor appointment, she confirmed that we were in fact pregnant and our due date was November 20, 2010.

We waited the obligatory 12 weeks before we told everyone, but once we started we could not stop.  Everyone knew how hard this process has been for us so everyone was so excited for us.  That didn’t mean we were any less nervous though.  Because we had already been on this rollercoaster ride once, we knew not to get too excited because we were afraid of what could happen.  But with each doctor appointment we went to, our fears eased up a little bit. 

At our 20 week ultrasound on Friday July 2nd, we found out we were having a boy.  To say we were over the moon would be an understatement.  The ultrasound tech told us that right off the bat and then she methodically went over his entire body, making sure all fingers and toes were accounted for as well as making sure all of his organs were functioning properly.  The only thing they found that wasn’t optimal was the umbilical cord only had one artery.  In a normal umbilical cord there are two arteries.  The tech called in the doctor to see it and he confirmed that it would not be an issue.  He said babies are born healthy with this all the time.  He made sure to check all of his organs again and again assured us there was no issue.  Everything was moving along great.

After our appointment we went down the hall to the cafeteria in the doctor’s office building where we ran into the doctor again.  He was getting his morning coffee.  My husband started bombarding the doctor with questions.  He needed more reassurance that this umbilical issue wouldn’t be a problem.  The doctor again reassured us that it was pretty common and not much of an issue as long as all organs were functioning properly (which they were).

So we left that appointment content.  We were ecstatic that we were having a boy.  My husband talked about nothing else for the next few days.  We finally felt comfortable enough to start making purchases for our son.  In the next few weeks we started to get the nursery ready

I started to have severe back pain.  I was 27 weeks at this point.  I had always had some back issues so I figured they were just aggravated by the extra weight my body was carrying with the baby.  I did not sleep at all that night but I went to work on Monday morning anyway.  I took a lot of Tylenol and was able to make it through the day ok.  That night the pain came back full force.  I was in so much pain but honestly did not make the connection that the back pain had anything to do with my baby.  I didn’t want to wake up my husband for something so stupid.  I took more Tylenol and tried to tough it out until the morning when I would call the doctor’s office and ask if they could give me something stronger.

I could not take it any longer.  I had my doctor paged and the on call doctor was another doctor in the practice whom I had only met once before.  I told him about the symptoms I was experiencing with my back and he said that they didn’t sound pregnancy related but that I should come into the office to get it looked at.  He didn’t sound too concerned though so that made me feel better.  As long as it wasn’t affecting my baby, I could deal with the pain.  He then asked if everything else was ok.  I asked him what he meant and he clarified, “how’s the baby, he’s kicking like normal?”

That’s when it hit me.  No.  I sat there and could not remember for the life of me when the last time I felt him kick was.  It had to be the day before during work, which I told him.  He said well you’ve probably been too preoccupied with the back pain and haven’t been paying attention but just in case go right away to labor and delivery so we can check it out. 

I keep thinking back to how stupid I was.  I did not want to go to the hospital so I lay back in bed and turned off the tv and tried to feel the baby move.  I was like, if I feel him move then we don’t need to go to the hospital.  But no matter where I poked him, I could not feel a thing.  I was like, ok, now I’m just freaking out a little bit so maybe I’m too paranoid to feel him.  So we got dressed and headed to the hospital.  All the while I truly believed in my heart that everything would be ok.  I thought I was overreacting and we would get there and they would find the heartbeat, send us home and I would just be a little embarrassed for freaking out like that.

Well that did not happen.  We were sent to a different hospital where the doctor was on call that day so we weren’t sure where we were going.  We asked someone on the first floor where labor and delivery was.  She asked if I was in labor.  My husband remarked in a joking manner “I hope not, that would be very bad”.  She directed us to the right floor and we signed in at the front desk.  They put us in an examination room and a nurse came in with the heartbeat monitor and started looking.  She picked up a heartbeat immediately and my husband let out the biggest sigh of relief I have ever heard.  He sounded like he had been holding his breath from the moment we spoke to the doctor on the phone.  Then she lost the beat.  She kept moving the probe all over my belly and had me change positions this way and that way until she finally gave up.  She said she had to get a more experienced nurse to look for me.  She came back with another nurse who again tried unsuccessfully for another 10 minutes.

That is when they got the doctor and brought in the ultrasound machine.  The doctor came in and set up to my left and was standing in front of the monitor, blocking my view.  My husband was sitting to my right and had a clear view of the monitor so I kept looking at his face for some indication as to what was happening on that screen.  He just looked really confused.  He didn’t understand what he was looking at.  After another 5 minutes of searching in complete silence (the longest 5 minutes of my life) the doctor turned to me and uttered the words no parent should ever have to hear “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat”.  The doctor and nurses all left the room so my husband and I could absorb what we were just told.

It was the most devastating moment of my whole life.  Everything that we had been planning for the last seven months came crashing down in that instant.  Our life would never be the same again.  He was holding me and crying and I just kept saying “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”.  I felt completely responsible.  It was my job to keep him safe and bring him into this world and I could not do it.  I had failed at the one thing women were perfectly designed to do. 

After a few minutes alone, the nurses came back in and moved us to another room.  I was still in shock so I just did as I was told but I had not yet registered what was happening.  I thought they were moving us so we would be more comfortable until they told me to get undressed and into a hospital gown.  The nurse started going over the process and that’s when it hit me.  I still had to deliver my baby.  Because I had lost another pregnancy I assumed it would be the same way.  I would take a pill and the pregnancy would be expunged…That was not the case here.  Because my baby was 27 weeks and 3 days old, I had to deliver vaginally.  At the time, I thought this was a very cruel thing to do to a person who just found out their baby had died.  Why couldn’t they just sedate me and take him from me via cesarean?  Wouldn’t that be the most humane way?  The doctor assured me that a c-section was major surgery and was not necessary in my case.  He assured me this was the best way.

So they gave me something to induce labor and so started my journey of the worst day of my life.  Little did I know when I woke up that morning that I would be delivering my son who still had 13 weeks to go before he was due to enter this world.  The rest of the day is kind of a blur.  We called family and close friends to let them know what was happening.  My sister was first to arrive and was devastated.  Then my mother came.  She lost her 16 year old son and still grieved for him everyday so she was just worried that I would never recover from this just as she has never recovered from her loss.  th.  He was less than 2 lbs.  They took him from our room to weigh him and clean him up.  I felt numb after that, like I was in a fog.  And empty.  That’s probably the best way to describe the feeling.  I could not handle the emptiness.  It was worse than the contraction pains, worse than pushing him out, just WORSE.  After a little while I asked them to bring him back.  I thought I didn’t want to see him.  I thought I wanted to push this experience out of my memory and move on like it had never happened but once they took him from me I realized I could never do that.  He had forever changed our lives.  They brought him back dressed in a tiny yellow and blue gown and hat and wrapped in a bunch of blankets to give him some heft because he was such a tiny little guy.  But he was perfect. 

He had all his fingers and toes and looked like a perfect little combination of my husband and myself.  We held him and kissed him and talked to him.  I wanted to make sure he knew just how loved he was.  From the moment we found out we were having him he changed our whole lives.  He was incorporated into every decision every everything.  We thought about him every second of every day and he just made us so happy.  I wanted him to know just how much he meant to us.  He may not have ever taken a breath outside my womb but he was with us for almost 7 months and they were the best 7 months of my life, without a doubt. 

We buried our son on Friday, August 27th.  No parent should ever have to utter that sentence.  We may have buried him on that day but we think about him constantly.  He will live on forever in our hearts.

The doctor explained that they didn’t know what had happened but our son had not been developing properly.  For some reason he was growing at a much slower rate than he should have been.  They are doing some chromosome testing to see if it will offer any insight as to what happened. 

It has been almost 3 weeks since we lost our little boy.  I miss him so deeply that its a physical pain.  I still have residual pain in my uterus.  The doctor says its because of the delivery but I think it’s because he’s no longer there.  I miss my son so much that my body literally aches for him.  I feel empty.

You can contact Besa at Blvd30@yahoo.com


Mom to Jaiden Mark Keith Gray
Stillborn on May 27th, 2010
Wiltshire, UK
The worst experience ever….. Sunday, May 23rd, I stayed over my mums house ready to go out for the day with the family the next day. We arrived at the beach, and it was such a lovely day spending time with the family as well as the sun being out. Later on that day, I went to my home where me and my partner David live together. I decided to stay at my mums again that night, as me and David had a falling out. 

[Read more…]


Mom to Rebecca Lee Hartling-Thompson
Stillborn on October 30th, 2003 at 27 weeks
Oak Harbor, WA

My first pregnancy was amazing – I went through it without a single care in the world – I was 20 years old and expecting my first child – I was engaged, we were happy. October 27th 2003 my world ended. A normal doctors appointment showed a heartbeat he couldn’t find – that afternoon it was confirmed that my child had passed away. We began the process to induce my labor and at 21 years old now (my birthday is in September) – I delivered on October 30th 2003 a beautiful 1lb 14.3oz baby girl named Rebecca Lee. Rebecca never got to see my face but I saw hers and can still picture her to this day and she is forever a part of my life.
I was young – I was naive – I never thought anything could happen to my baby. I don’t want to scare people with the thought that there baby may die but people need to realize that after 12 weeks you aren’t safe anymore. I thought I made it past 12 weeks and I was safe. There is really NO SAFE point in a pregnancy – no one told me about kick counts – no one told me that my baby could die. I had no idea that stillbirth existed till I met my daughter.
I am now the co-host of a stillbirth board on Justmommies.com and I am educating people as much as I can about my daughter. My daughter is my daughter and will forever be part of our lives. I have since had two beautiful boys since losing her – spent 6 weeks in the NICU with breathing issues with my son Benjamin and then was asked if I wanted to terminate Logan at 18 weeks gestation due to Partial Agensis of the Corpus Callosum – I chose to keep the pregnancy and he is perfect with no issues and has a full corpus callosum.
I would love to be able to share my story with the world – educate people on stillbirth and the importance of kick counts. There are so many ladies that I have made incredible friendships with over the last 7 years since losing Rebecca that I would never have gotten to meet had she not came into my world.
You can contact Jennifer at Jenniferthompson.whidbey@comcast.net


Mom to Jeremy
Stillborn on July 14th, 2009
Cooper City, FL

On February 15, 2009 I found out I was pregnant. I was about to turn 21 in a week and was living away from my family. All through my teenage years I never liked kids and always said I would never have any. Once I found out I was pregnant I changed my mind. On May 15 I went in for my 20 week ultrasound. I found out I was having a boy and that day had decided his name would be Jeremy. At the ultrasound I was told Jeremy had a “soft spot” on his kidneys. The doctor told me it was probably nothing serious and would most likely be cleared up by birth. They went ahead and sent me for a Level 2 ultrasound just to be sure.

In June my husband and I decided it would be best to move back home to live with my parents so we could get some help and have a better place to live. I looked around and found the best doctor in my area and made my 6 month check up with her. She sent me for a follow up on the Level 2 ultrasound just to ease my mind about the “soft spot”.

When I went for the 2nd ultrasound the perinatologist quickly looked over the kidneys said everything was fine and Jeremy looked healthy from the neck down. Then they focused in on his brain and would not give me any answers but I knew something was wrong. He said Jeremy had fluid on his brain and 2 enlarged brain ventricles. The next morning I was being sent for a fetal MRI (that I now regret going to) in Miami. I had set everything up with a lady at the perinatologist office and she told me that all my paperwork and information would be faxed over to the hospital so all I would have to do was show up. Friday morning I get to the hospital for the MRI and they had no idea I was coming in and the doctors office had not sent my information over. I had not eaten because the nurse told me I could not eat and I was waiting around, starving, for my paperwork to get there. The doctors office had sent my medical records to the wrong number. Finally I had my MRI and the doctors doing the scan told me I should have eaten and they never tell patients not to eat for 12 hours before. During the MRI Jeremy was awake and kicking like crazy. I was so nervous and the doctors kept telling me what a happy healthy little boy he was to ease my mind. They sent me home with a cd of pictures of him as well. That afternoon after the MRI I decided to go to my doctors office because I was so dissatisfied with the perinatologist. My doctor wasn’t in but I left a message with the nurse and she was going to get information back to me by Monday about it.

That night I go home exhausted but wasn’t feeling Jeremy kicking. I figured he was tired because of the insane day we were having. The next morning I didn’t get my usual wake up call at 9 am from him either. I thought “Ok, maybe this is normal?” My friend had invited me to go to the pool with her for the afternoon but when I got back I still hadn’t felt Jeremy move. By Sunday morning I was very scared and went to my mom. She didn’t really think I had too much to worry about but said to keep watching and told me to move around and drink lots of water. Monday morning when I didn’t feel him kick we decided it was time to go to Labor and Deliver. I got hooked up to the monitor for about 30 minutes then went down for an ultrasound. The nurses weren’t giving us too much information so we thought everything was ok. The ultrasound tech sent us back up to Labor and Delivery. When we got there the nurse pulled me aside and said “we did not see your baby’s heartbeat we were watching yours”. She brought us back to another room and said to wait there because they were calling my doctor over. After an hour of sitting in a room crying hysterically, no one had called my doctor. My husband went and tracked someone down and with in 5 minutes my doctor was in the room. She set the inducement date for the next morning, 7/14.

Some how we made it through that awful night and went to my doctors office the next morning. She left a note for them to let me in whenever I got there and to have a room open for us. She did another ultrasound just to make sure they were right then admitted me to the hospital. Before they induced, she came in just to see if I had dilated. She told me I was 4 cm already and I was only 27 weeks. She got on the phone with the perinatologist who told her I had started dilating on Thursday, but he never mentioned that to me. The perinatologist had not communicated any of the information to my OB. They started the inducement and epidural at 2 pm that afternoon. By 6 pm she came back to check the dilation, but Jeremy was already out.

Jeremy was born 7/14/2009 at 2 lbs 1 oz and 14 1/2 inches long. At first I was a little scared to see him but I decided I needed to. He was beautiful and looked so peaceful. While I was holding him I kept getting this vibe from him that he wanted me to be happy and not sad about him. The nurses were amazing too. They put his hand and feet prints in his baby book, took pictures for me and gave me this box with his first outfit and a little rattle and pillow they had him hold for the pictures. That box is now one of my most treasured things.

My doctor requested an autopsy on Jeremy that came back normal and blood work from me. At the hospital she saw that I had an incompetent cervix and would need a cerclage in my next pregnancy, but that was not the cause of death. When the blood work came in my OB personally called me and told me that I have a blood clotting disorder called PAI-1 and would need to be on Lovenox for the next pregnancy as well. She thinks that Jeremy had died from a blood clot in the placenta. If she hadn’t pushed for an answer for me I would have never known that.

[Read more…]


Mom to Jackson and Jayden
Born sleeping on April 21st, 2010 at 27 weeks
ON, Canada

The day after Halloween we found out we were expecting our 4th baby. We were so excited you could see my smile miles away. I have 3 healthy girls. I had an early ultrasound and the tech whispered to me there is 2. I just started laughing with joy. At our 17 weeks ultrasound we found out that baby A was a girl and Baby B was a boy. I loved that we were having twins. I could not wait until the day we could bring them home to meet their sisters.

My pregnancy with the twins was a good pregnancy, no complications. I had 8 ultrasounds, we would watch Jayden kicking her brother and we would laugh, poor Jackson would be hiding his face. On April 20, 2010 I had gone to the hospital. I just was not feeling well and had been vomiting everything I ate. They did another ultrasound and the babies were perfect, they scored 8/8, they ran some tests and that all came back normal. They hooked me up to a IV for fluid because I had keytones in my urine and kept me overnight.

The next morning at 5 am I was bleeding and at 11 am I had another ultrasound, the ultrasound I will never forget. As I was laying on the bed while the tech was doing the test my family was in the room. I could feel everyone watching me, I was staring at the wall. I did not want to look at the screen. I happen to look at the ultrasound tech. She looked at the doctor and shook her head no. She looked at me and said “sorry.” I looked at the Doctor and said what does she mean sorry? Sorry for What? The Doctor left the room I think to pull himself together, I just started yelling “ SORRY” I looked at my Mom and my Aunt “Sorry why are they saying sorry”??

The Doctor walked back in with the nurse and said your babies have died. I yelled at him NO Please don’t say that Please Don’t. My husband walked in the room, he was gone to take our girls to their Poppy’s for the day, he saw me crying I could not tell him that the babies were gone, I did not want to break his heart. I could not look at him. The Doctor told him and we just held each other. The Doctor was explaining our options of a c-section or to deliver them. I wanted a c-section. I did not think I could handle delivering them. After talking with my family we then decided to induce labour and deliver them. They broke my water and had me on pitocin. My labour started within half hour. They called for a epi for the pain. My family was asked to leave the room while I had the epi put in.

Before my family could come back in the room I said to the nurse I have to push she looked and my baby girl was almost delivered. The nurse called for the OB, while my family was waiting outside my door all they saw was the OB and 5 nurses running down the hallway to my room. Jayden was born sleeping at 2:52 pm. My husband walked in and held his baby girl and was kissing her and telling her how brave she was. I still had one my baby to deliver, My first son. I asked the Doctor to wait until my epi was working before he broke my other bag of water. 20 mins later he broke my water. My family was in my room holding Jayden and telling me how beautiful she was. I still did not have the strength to hold her. My OB that I have had for years ( he was not on call while I was in the hospital) walked in my room and just started crying with me. He held Jayden kissed her and said a prayer.

My family left the room to go get some coffee. As I was talking with my OB the Doctor and nurse walked in and checked me. Jackson was ready to join his sister. My OB held my hand while I pushed. Jackson was born sleeping at 4:04pm. Jackson weighed 2.8 pounds and Jayden was 2.4 pounds. All evening we held them, took pictures, I sang them a lullaby, I looked at their hands, feet their little ears and nose, they were perfect Angels.

The next morning I went home, we planned a beautiful service for them, at the end of the service we let pink and blue balloons go, a pink and blue balloon stuck in a tree and I knew they were together. 2 weeks later my husband and I were going to get a tattoo done of their foot prints, I have been praying to God please give me 1 sign that they are with you and safe, as we opened the door to leave 2 baby birds were on our doorstep looking up at us. That was my sign they were with God.
I just wish I could hold them one more time, I want to feel their skin, look at their feet and whisper in their ear I LOVE YOU.
Jackson Henry Joseph was named after my favourite Uncle that passed in January.
Jayden Lynn Marie was named after myself and my husband John.
I still cry every day, I miss them so much. God had a bigger plan for my son and daughter.
You can contact Jennifer at alexisjen@msn.com


© 2011 Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope | PO Box 26131 | Minneapolis, MN 55426 | Contact Us