Mom to Lilith “Lily” Aurora
June 8, 2002 – September 17, 2002


Unnamed baby
Lost October 2012

Saint Paul Park, Minnesota

I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I was nervous and kind of scared when I found out. My boyfriend at the time wasn’t much of a boyfriend, as he had cheated on me a few times before, he had no job, and no place to live, since I kicked him out when I had found out he cheated. Why I was attracted to him in the first place eludes me now. The only reason I can think of why I reconnected with him after his infidelity, was that I was young, lonely, naive, and he was my first.

I didn’t know what I was going to do. I always dreamed of being a mother, but I didn’t know of I could do it on my own. My sister, a single mother herself, was a huge support for me, and I looked to her for advice before deciding anything. She was the example I saw that conviction me that I could do this; I could have this baby. [Read more…]


Mom to William and Nathaniel Feb 1 1995

Emma and Elizabeth June 30th 1997
Baby “P” June 1999
Edan William August 16 2000
Esik Nathaniel March 15 2002
Ellanor November 22 2003
British Columbia, CA

I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I didn’t believe it when my doctor told me, I even  told her it was impossible.  I had suffered ovarian cysts for some time and I honestly didn’t think I would ever be able to conceive.  I was also bleeding while my Dr told me from what I believed to be my period. My Dr ordered another urine sample pregnancy test and it came back positive again.  My boyfriend was 21, we were scared. My Dr gave me the advice to have an abortion and I refused. I went home and took it easy waiting for the bleeding to stop. The bleeding would calm when I was laying  down but once I sat up I would bleed again. At 10 weeks I had a huge bleeding spell and went to the ER. I had a very hard time getting the staff to stop suggesting a D&C. I had an ultrasound that showed I had a very tilted uterus and surprise I had TWINS. Shock set it very quickly. I had always dreamed of having twins but how on earth could I have two babies at my age?

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Mom to Baby O # 1, 1997
Baby O # 2, 2002
Baby O # 3, 2003
and Joseph Anthony, 9/11/2010
Boonton, NJ

Since I was a young child I always wanted to be a mother.  Within a year of our marriage I was saying to my husband a saying I would say for five years until we had the funds to have one it was “Lets have a baby”.  I never dreamed that anything would ever go wrong and that it was pretty easy “to have a baby”.

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Mom to Ryan

Born and Died on April 22nd, 2002 at 26 weeks


Born and Died on January 19th, 2003 at 23 weeks

and Ethan

Born at 32 weeks on May 10th and Died May 12th due to a heart defect

I am the mother of 3 angels and my last angel died 2 weeks ago.  My story starts 9 years ago when I had my first son Ryan.  When we found out I was pregnant, I was 3 months along and told our family at a restaurant where we had lunch, everyone was ecstatic to hear our news.  I can recall that it was a good pregnancy, no problems and all was going well until 18th April (Good Friday) evening at 11:50pm when I suddenly felt the urge to go to the toilet, which I did and to my horror, saw a thick mucus discharge with blood,  my husband took  me to the Medi-clinic emergency room immediately, where they admitted me as they suspected I was in labour, they put me on the monitor and had a look at my cervix which was not fully dilated yet.  All was going okay during the night and when the OB/GYN came early Saturday morning, she discovered that I was 7 cm dilated and immediately put me on meds to prevent the cervix from dilating further.

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Miscarriage August 4th, 2002
Belle Fourche, South Dakota
My husband and I decided to start a family about six months after we were married in September of 1999. After a year of trying we made an appointment and did the whole fertility workup, but the doctor couldn’t find any reason why we weren’t conceiving. Another year went by with no luck and we were at the point of pursuing further testing.
On July 26th, 2002 I decided to take a pregnancy test because I was feeling kind of “off” and was about four days late. To my shock, there were two lines almost immediately. My husband was visiting a friend and I called him to come home. When he got there I handed him a little picture frame I’d bought that said I <3 my Daddy, with a printout in the picture spot that looked like construction tape and the words: Under construction, estimated completion 4/1/03. It took him a few seconds to process what I was telling him but he was absolutely ecstatic.
We knew we should wait but within 24 hours we had told everyone we knew that we were finally going to have a baby. The next several days were absolutely wonderful. We had picked names at least a year before and immediately started making plans for our baby. My health insurance provided free car seats to new moms so I called to find out what kind of seat they offered (I was already a little bit of a car seat nerd) and left a voice mail when nobody answered.

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Mom to Matthew Kristopher
Stillborn on July 27th, 2002 at 38 weeks
East Northport, New York
Life is not without loss. Everyone experiences it in some form during their life. How do you move on from your darkest days, when time stands still but life goes on around you? How do you pick up the shattered pieces and move forward, to rebuild your life, rise above the pain, and perhaps come out stronger and more determined than before? How do you go on to do something positive and help others in a similar situation, while helping yourself to heal? There will be light at the end of your long dark tunnel. You will get there eventually, maybe without even realizing it, and maybe by constantly working your way out, one little step at a time. This is my story of loss, grief, healing, and passion found.

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Mom to Elena Rebekah
Born and Died August 1st, 2002

The following is a blog entry that I wrote on what would have been Elena’s third birthday.

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Mom to Gracie Snow-Schoepflin, Born still on Thursday, July 19th, 2001 
Joseph Daniel Schoepflin, Born still on Monday, August 5th, 2002
Sacramento, California

Mom to Alexander James Struzik
April 17th, 2002
Waterloo, New York
It was amazing to see so many women and there are so many stories, but we all loved our babies. We had a baby boy, Alexander James, 04/17/2002 who we lost to stillbirth. 

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Mom to Amie-lee and Emily
Stillborn on February 25th, 2002
South Australia

My beautiful twin daughters were born sleeping at 27.3 weeks on February 25th, 2002. My girls were diagnosed with twin to twin transfusion syndrome at 19 weeks, we were monitored every 2 days and everything seemed perfect for them both… suddenly with no warning sign or symptom both of their little hearts just stopped beating… just like that.

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Mom to Chris
December 17th, 2002-March 1st, 2003
Lost to SIDS
Waterville, Maine

I woke up on March 1, 2003 to knocking on my front door. Still sleepy eyed, I walked to the door without checking the time. My mother had come over to drop some things off. I let her in, still not aware of the time. She sat down and asked where Chris was. I looked at the clock and realized he had not been awake in 7 hours, and that is so much longer than he’d ever gone before without eating. I immediately went to his room to check on him and as soon as I saw him, I knew something was wrong. He slept on his tummy, and instead of being in his normal sleeping position, he was face down, with his arms stretched out at each side. I didn’t check him but instead picked him up right away.

He wasn’t breathing and he was luke warm, his skin was very ashen. I ran him out to my mother screaming to her that he wasn’t breathing and she took him from me and began CPR. I called 911 and in between begging them to help us and pleading not to let my baby die, I gave them my information. They stayed on the phone until the first responders, fire fighters, arrived. They took him from my mother and stated that he was in full arrest. They took over CPR and as soon as the ambulance arrived, they ran him out of the house, leaving my mother and me behind.

I went outside and sat in my driveway, crying. They did not let me into the ambulance, or tell me anything. The Sherrif’s deputies arrived an had to question me. Silly questions like where I worked and what my social security number. Nobody told me a thing. The ambulance left while I was still being questioned, and I still knew nothing.

We were finally able to leave for the hospital, 5-10 minutes after the ambulance left. The drive seemed to take forever. I watched everyone else out on that Saturday, going about their shopping, with their families. I felt so angry at them, how dare they drive around so happy and carefree when my world was crashing in. We got to the hospital and we were escorted to a private room, where my father met us. We still knew nothing, other than they were working on him. A nun came in (Catholic hospital) and tried to console me, but ended up making things worse by telling me that I was still young and I could always have more children. I still didn’t know if my baby was alive or dead. I just nodded silently. She was interrupted by a nurse coming in to speak with us, and she left.

I was asked if I wanted to go in and see him. I said yes, and as soon as I walked in, I had hope. He was no longer the ashen color, but he was pink again. I was scared, his tiny body had wires and tubes, and there was a needle sticking out of his chest. As soon as I got close enough to see his face, the hope disappeared and I knew he was gone. His eyes were open a tiny bit, and I could see them unmoving, just a fixed, blank stare. I saw the way his mouth looked with the breathing tube down his throat. I’ve never been able to erase that look from my head.

They took us out and within a few minutes, the doctor came in. He explained that they had been working on Chris for some time, with no response. He never started breathing again and his heart never started beating. They needed to know when to stop breathing for him. I wanted to be in there when they stopped so I could say good-bye. I went in and there were only two nurses now, everyone else had cleared out. They were still pumping his oxygen. I walked to him and told him how much I loved him. I stroked his cheek and held his hand. They stopped pumping and began to unhook him from everything. I looked up and saw one nurse with her head turned, crying, and trying not to show me. They asked if I wanted to hold him. I did. They wrapped him in a blanket and I sat in the rocking chair in the room, and rocked him. I patted his butt and kissed his head, as if I were putting him to sleep. I told him I loved him over and over.

It wasn’t long before my father came in and told me I needed to go. I still regret agreeing with him. I handed him to my father, who is a hospice nurse and familiar with the hospital, and I left. I walked down the hall, crying, without my baby in my arms. I was walked to my mom’s car and my first thought was how I needed to call into work. I did actually call them and tell them I couldn’t come in that day, and when asked why, I flat out said that my son just died.
I walked around in a daze. I went to Wal-Mart and to Walgreens that day. I carried his blanket and often cried just walking through stores.

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Mom to Zoe Rayanne
February 3rd-February 12th, 2002
Temple, TX

February 3, 2002 I gave birth to a perfect little 6lbs7oz girl. I named her Zoe Rayanne. She was perfect in every way. Ten fingers and toes, dark hair, and the sweetest eyes I’d ever seen.

Zoe was the product of a relationship gone badly. Her father and I broke up when I was only 9 weeks pregnant. He was scared and didn’t want the responsibility of a child. During my pregnancy I would try and call him or give updates through mutual friends. He would say that it wasn’t his kid. He knew it was his child but would lie to our friends to keep them off his back. He called me a slut more than once. I guess this made him feel better. It took me a few months to realize that he wasn’t going to change. By my 3rd trimester I was ok with having my baby on my own. I had my family to help me and I was a strong determined women. I also had a 5 year old DD to worry about.

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