Natasha FOL


Mom to Miguel Angel Jr. – Born into Heaven June 12, 2000

Ontario, California

We found out I was pregnant in March of 2000. We were so excited until I started bleeding on Mother’s Day. I went to the Emergency Room and they told me there was nothing they could do- it was a threatened abortion and to make an appointment with my doctor. Heartbroken, they sent me home.
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Mom to Lauren Ashley

April 7, 2000 – September 9, 2000

New Port Richey, Florida

I was 22 and in a relationship that I thought was built on “love”. I was at work when the smell of cinnamon made me feel nauseous. My co-worker chuckled and said, “Uh, oh,” and we laughed. I honestly didn’t think I was pregnant. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was scared but absolutely thrilled. I shared the news with my boyfriend and he informed me he was not ready for a child. He basically gave me an ultimatum, which I wanted no part of. Basically, I chose baby and gave my boyfriend the boot. I was scared, but I had great parents and friends and knew they would be there for me. The pregnancy went by rather quickly and my daughter Lauren Ashley was born on 4/7/2000. [Read more…]


Mom to Raekwon Kemel
Stillborn December 2, 2000

Houston, Texas

A week and a half before my due date I am getting excited that I am about to bring my firstborn child into the world.  The only thing on my mind is making sure everything is in place so that when he comes I will not have to worry about buying anything else.  I just had a baby shower at work a week or two before so everything was really coming together.  It is Monday morning and I am scheduled for a routine weekly prenatal checkup.  Everything looked good even though it took the doctor a couple of minutes to find the heartbeat I then mention that the baby did not move as often as he used to.  The doctor did not say anything about it; he just kept looking for his heartbeat and he finally found it.  [Read more…]


Mom to Josiah Michael, stillborn on September 12th, 2000

and Sam, miscarried January 11th, 2008

Sahuarita, AZ

In March 2000, after 10 months of trying, I was finally pregnant.  I was so shocked when I saw the positive on the stick, that I took about a dozen more tests.

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Mom to William and Nathaniel Feb 1 1995

Emma and Elizabeth June 30th 1997
Baby “P” June 1999
Edan William August 16 2000
Esik Nathaniel March 15 2002
Ellanor November 22 2003
British Columbia, CA

I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I didn’t believe it when my doctor told me, I even  told her it was impossible.  I had suffered ovarian cysts for some time and I honestly didn’t think I would ever be able to conceive.  I was also bleeding while my Dr told me from what I believed to be my period. My Dr ordered another urine sample pregnancy test and it came back positive again.  My boyfriend was 21, we were scared. My Dr gave me the advice to have an abortion and I refused. I went home and took it easy waiting for the bleeding to stop. The bleeding would calm when I was laying  down but once I sat up I would bleed again. At 10 weeks I had a huge bleeding spell and went to the ER. I had a very hard time getting the staff to stop suggesting a D&C. I had an ultrasound that showed I had a very tilted uterus and surprise I had TWINS. Shock set it very quickly. I had always dreamed of having twins but how on earth could I have two babies at my age?

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Mom to 4 angles due to miscarriage

July 2000 (7wks), October 2001 (11 1/2 weeks), August 2003 (5 weeks), August 2007 (6weeks)


I never knew if I could get pregnant.  I knew I had endometriosis. I used to tell people I did not know if we wanted children, but oh, we wanted a baby so bad.  Imagine my surprise when I was pregnant just weeks after our wedding.  However, deep down, I knew immediately something wasn’t right. At the time there really wasn’t a way to know- no pain or anything. It was just a feeling.  About a week after I found out I was pregnant I began spotting. I was living in a new town and did not have a doctor but I called one to make an appointment.  I was told it was normal to spot. It didn’t feel normal, but noboday seemed to care.  Of course, it would not have mattered even if I could have seen the doctor.  I spotted for well over a week, maybe two.  One rainy, late summer morning I woke up and knew that was it.  I knew that day would be the end of our pregnancy.  I asked my husband to look up directions to the nearest ER and we drove.  I screamed and cried as it all came to end. I shook with fear and sadness so deep I thought I would never escape.

Mom to Ashley Jane, June 1998
Janna Lashe, July 2000
and Colin Matthew, died May 30th, 2007, born June 2007
Pelham, AL

Mom to Solomon
Born and Died on March 8th, 2000
and Z, Miscarried October 23rd, 2000
Oceanside, New York
Solomon was the name I gave my son, it means “peace.”   Solomon I chose, by myself, as my husband could not deal with the loss.  In retrospect I couldn’t either.  But when we learned he in fact was a he, I did what I always do – I searched on the Internet to find a name suitable for the son I would never have.

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Miscarriage at 5 weeks, June 2000
Miscarriage at 5 weeks, June 2009
Mom to Sydney Alexis, born at 20 weeks on February 10th, 2009
Fenton, MO

Miscarriage January, 2000
Miscarriage January, 2008
Henderson, NV

In November of 1999 I discovered I was pregnant purely by chance. I was still in high school and I went to face my boyfriend with nothing but fear. I knew so many guys who heard those simple words of “I am pregnant” and they ran for the hills. His reaction rocked me to my toes and sealed my future. He was ecstatic. He wanted to get married right away. I spent the next few weeks trying to get up the courage to tell my parents, terrified of their disappointment. I was scared of all the changes. Would I graduate still? How would we provide for a baby? Would my parents allow me to marry? Did I want to marry? Things passed in a blur and then January came. I woke with excruciating pain and heavy bleeding. I managed to make it out of the house and to the local clinic where they confirmed I was having a miscarriage. I was devastated. I may not have been in a good place for a baby but as soon as I had known there was a baby I had felt like I had finally found my destiny. Everything in me screamed to be a mother and despite the fear I had wanted that child more than I had ever wanted anything. I had loved that child with all that I was in those short 12 weeks. I went through life in a fog. I ran on auto-pilot. School, work, more school. (I was doing a combined junior/senior year.) I broke up with my boyfriend. I felt like I had failed him, failed my baby. Something had to be wrong with me. I didn’t talk about it to family, to friends. I almost tried to pretend to the world that it had never happened.

I graduated high school in May and spent the summer moping. I moved out on my own as soon as I could and I worked. I reconnected with that guy and we married in March of 2001. A few short months later I found out I was pregnant again because my husband told me so. I spent the next months sick and scared. Every time I cramped I would panic, ever time I was sicker than usual I got scared. I spent most of the pregnancy in bed, terrified and sick. My husband was so supportive even though I knew he was frustrated. In January 2002 we had our healthy Alaina Noel. She was amazing and perfect.

A few years later we decided to try again. It took well over a year before I could get pregnant. My doctor wasn’t concerned because I had had a successful pregnancy but I couldn’t help worrying. In January 2008 I got my BFP. I was so excited. After all the trying and praying I was finally pregnant again. Our daughter was now 6. We told everyone. I felt wretched but since I had been very sick with our daughter I didn’t worry as much. I figured that was just how I was. Then two weeks later I bled. Those old fears flooded back as I rushed to the doctor. A pelvic showed some bleeding but that my cervix was closed. The dr said that it was probably just normal bleeding that can happen and not to worry. They took my blood to check my HcG just in case and told me to return in 2 days to re-check it. I went home and worried. My husband went with me to the next appointment where they re-did my blood work and re-checked my cervix. Still closed. The doctor was very hopeful. That night I was panic stricken as we waited to hear the result. My husband recommended a blessing and so I called my spiritual mentor and received a wonderful blessing. Then the phone rang. My fears were realized. My HcG had dropped significantly. My doctor told me that I could either allow the miscarriage to happen or come in for a D & C. I chose the former. Looking back I think I chose it because I just couldn’t accept that I was losing my baby. I think a part of me hoped that the blood work was wrong, that the bleeding would stop, that my baby would be okay. Then the pain hit and I knew my baby was gone. I spent days in bed. I refused to eat or talk. My husband had to call everyone we had told and tell them what had happened. I got so many of the usual comments. “You will have more children.”, “This happened for a reason.” All that did was hurt me more. Honestly the only thing that didn’t hurt was hearing a simple, “I am so sorry.” My husband was amazing. I know he was hurt, I know he grieved, but when he was with me all he did was hold and comfort me. When I was ready to talk I tried to with friends or family. I tried with my internet group. I tried with perfect strangers. I got plenty of apologies and sympathy but also a lot of frustration. People telling me to get over it, to move on, to let go. Or berating me when they thought I wasn’t listening. I retreated even more except for a few close friends and family. I went to my doctor to find a reason for this and her response was ‘I won’t be worried until you have another miscarriage.” When I asked what we could do to try to prevent the loss she said she wouldn’t medically help until after the next loss. I was devastated. I would have to face this fear again and probably the loss because she felt 3 was the magic number to worry over? I also found another doctor. She ran the gamut of tests and discovered that my body dosen’t produce enough progesterone at ovulation to sustain a pregnancy. She told me that Alaina was an absolute miracle because I shouldn’t have been able to carry her. She also said that I had probably had many other miscarriages that were so early on that I mistook them for late periods. Her course of action was to monitor me closely. As soon as I got pregnant I would go on progesterone and light duty.

I was blown away when in April of 2008 I was pregnant again. I found out on day 23 of my cycle. My HcG was only at 19 so the fact that it even registered on a home pregnancy test was amazing. I found out I was pregnant in a dream. My Grandmother Valerie had passed away and that night I dreamed of her standing on a cloud with a little girl. My grandmother hugged her and then pushed her from the cloud and smiled. As I went to the store the next day to buy tampons and other things I would need as I made the trip to Texas for the funeral I was inspired to buy a test. The line was so faint that I made 3 friends and my husband all look at it. Then we had my HcG tested. My doctor immediately put my on the progesterone and ordered me to take it easy. I was not to lift more than 15 lbs. I was to stay off my feet as much as possible. We re-did my HcG check ever other day and I had ultrasounds at 6 weeks, 11 weeks, 20 weeks, and 24 weeks. I honestly think my grandma told me because she knew that I would have done a lot of heavy work when I went to Texas had I not known. January 2009 our little Alexis Valerie was born. I still have moments when I wonder about those babies. Would they have been boys or girls? Would they have looked like Joey or me? I have times when I ache for those little lost ones but I have so many blessings that I am always reminded that my Heavenly Father is always watching over me and my life has a purpose just as those small spirits had their own purpose.

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