Mom to Christa

September 17, 2017

Atlanta, Georgia

As I write this, remembering my baby’s first breath, the tears flow heavily from my eyes. At 21 weeks and 4 days, I thought my life was perfect. Yes I’ve experienced previous loss, a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks in January of this year, 2017, and a chemical pregnancy in 2014.  

Surprisingly, in May of 2017, I found myself pregnant again. Scared, my husband and I waited until 12 weeks to go to our first doctor’s appointment. The midwife there did an unofficial ultrasound and there our little angel was, jumping around. We were beyond happy. At 14 weeks my perinatologist diagnosed me with gestational diabetes. I was out on insulin and told to watch what I eat. At 19 weeks we learned we were having a girl. Everything looked great according to the doctor. At 20 weeks, late on a Friday afternoon, I lost what I assumed was my mucous plug and called the doctor’s office to go in on that following Wednesday. 20 weeks and 5 days, my cervix was high, closed, baby’s heartbeat was 156  movement was great.  

6 days! 6 days later I found myself in the L&D with one sided cramps at 2am. They assumed I had a UTI and did testing. But as I lay waiting and running to the restroom to pee, I started bleeding. My cervix was 24% due to incompetent cervix. At 21 weeks and 4 days they said she wouldn’t survive and sadly they were right. At 1:08pm, after 2 pushes, Christa was born, 1lb, 11in. She lived for barely 1 hour. I cry myself to sleep every night. It’s only been 6 days and each day feels harder, not easier. I dread the thought of even trying to get pregnant again in the future. 

I feel as though modern medicine has failed me. As though my body has failed me. My husband, my greatest support through everything, is willing to try again whenever I’m ready, but I honestly don’t know when that will be.
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  1. I am very sorry for your baby girl. Xoxxo Ameli

  2. Thank you Ameli

  3. We also live in Atlanta. We lost our son Sept 30, 2017 due to incompetent cervix and losing mucus plug at 21 weeks and 3 days. My husband is also ready to try again, I understand and share the fear you express. I pray for hope and healing for you and your family, because it is hard. Take your time, grieve as you need to, and communicate openly with your support system.

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I just experienced a miscarriage at 17 weeks gestation a couple of weeks ago. My heart aches for you. My husband and I intend to try again, but I can understand why and how you feel defeated as this was your third try. My prayer is that you are able to heal emotionally, mentally, and spiritually from the pain that you have endured.

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