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Mom to Baby R and River Beth

December 28, 2015 and December 22, 2016

Spokane, Washington

We were so excited to finally be pregnant after almost 6 months of trying. It was November 27, 2015, the day after Thanksgiving, when that pregnancy test showed a positive line. I blurted it out to my best friend because I couldn’t hold the excitement. My mother-in-law met me at my office and I gave her a card that had the news on it. I had been planning the announcements for months, waiting for that positive test. We drove to Babies R Us so that I could find the perfect onesie to announce to my husband that we were finally going to have a baby.

Our first ultrasound at 6 weeks was perfect. We told my sister-in-law, the grandparents, the cousins and some of our friends. We celebrated Christmas full of glee and opened presents for Baby R.

At 8 weeks, 3 days after Christmas, my in-laws went with us to the ultrasound. I will never forget the words, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

That was the first time our world was shattered. My doctor ran dozens of tests. We already knew I had endometriosis, a bicornuate uterus, and low progesterone. What we didn’t know was that my endometriosis was stage 3 and everywhere. Or to the extent my uterus was bicornuate. With my bleeding disorder I couldn’t miscarry at home due to risk of bleeding out. The D&C was scheduled for three days after the news of losing our first child.

My doctor was able to determine that I had almost a full septum and that Baby R had implanted on the septum. The cause for all our heartache and our future heartache.

In February 2016, my doctor did a Laparoscopic Hysteroscopy. We had hoped he would be able to remove the septum. Unfortunately, my doctor found that if we removed the septum, my uterus could collapse. So, the septum stayed. Luckily, he was able to remove all of my endometriosis. So, the years of physical pain that I had endured would finally be over.

My husband and I decided try again for another baby, knowing our odds of making it past 20 weeks were about 40/60.

We were pregnant with River at the end of May 2016. At every ultrasound we held our breath, waiting to hear the words, “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat”. Those words didn’t come. Each scan proved she was healthy and growing. At 8 and 12 weeks I had placental tears that healed. I was on a very restricted activity plan. I was terrified. At 20 weeks we found out River was going to be our little girl. At 28 weeks she flipped us off during her 3-D ultrasound. She was stubborn, liked rap music, loved spicy food, and had hiccups twice a day.

At 30 weeks and 6 days I started having contractions. They were several hours apart and my doctor’s office said I was okay and to lay down and drink some water. The contractions got farther apart throughout the day. The visit two days prior was perfect: my blood pressure was outstanding, her kicks were strong, and she was still growing. At midnight on December 22nd, 2016 I had a contraction that was very painful and then the bleeding started.

I had thought for sure my doctor was going to just admit me, put me on bed rest, or do an emergency C-section. I didn’t think I would be driving the hour to the hospital to hear the words, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.” It was the worst day of my life. I had a placental abruption. I labored for 12 hours and delivered my baby girl, still, at 12:08 pm on 12/22/2016. 2 pounds, 13 ounces and 15 inches long. She was perfect.

The set-up nursery was ready for our baby. The car seat was ordered.  We had gifts under the tree for River. It was our second Christmas in a row of heart ache. My husband and I drifted in a daze for weeks after losing River. My body wasn’t the same. I felt fat and empty. I suffered through my breast milk coming in. It was excruciating and there was nothing that eased the pain. I lost a lot of blood during the delivery, thank you bleeding disorder, and had to take iron supplements for thirty days. Due to the blood loss I had to wait almost a full month after delivering River to begin strengthening my body again.

We met with Maternal Fetal Medicine to see if they could find a reason for the placental abruption. They couldn’t find any reason, same as my regular OBGYN. Our chances are now only 50/50 to have a baby of our own.

I am unable to go into the nursery that I designed with so much love. The photos that I took and worked so hard on just hang in there collecting dust. The beautiful crib and dresser just sit there collecting dust. All the baby blankets and clothing that I sewed sit in a box.

The home that I once loved feels desolate and sad. My husband and I decided to sell it so that when we do try again, knowing our chances, we will be closer to my doctor’s office. I will have to go weekly to appointments and will need to be able to get there quickly if I feel I’m having an issue.

It took me almost three months after losing River to be able to look in the mirror and feel gratitude toward my body for what it’s capable of. Now, four months later, I am starting a position as a certified indoor cycling instructor and am ready to share my story.

You can email Jenny at

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  1. I am very sorry for your looses.xxo Ameli

  2. I am so sorry for your losses.

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