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Mom to Kristian

December 16, 2015

Rocky Point, New York

I am the face of stillbirth. I am April. I’m 23 years old and a mother of a beautiful daughter Areanna and my sleeping handsome son Kristian, who was too beautiful for earth.

Here is my story: Expecting for the second time was so exciting for my boyfriend and I; when we found out we were going to have a boy we couldn’t have been any happier. My pregnancy was well, no issues but one; my cervix was shortening so I was on bedrest. All my boyfriend would talk about was his son and how he couldn’t wait for his arrival. [There was] so much he wanted to teach him and tell him (since his father was never around) Then December 16, 2015 came the date for my scheduled c-section.

The night before Kristian was moving like crazy, kicking me and hiccuping, having a good time in my belly. On December 16, 2015, I woke up at 7:00 a.m., showered and made sure I had everything for my stay in the hospital. I touched my belly and tried to nudge him to tell him “see you soon my love” but he didn’t move. I didn’t think much because he didn’t move that much during the morning.

I was on my way to the hospital where they registered me and told me to go up to the maternity ward, where I waited until my name was called. I entered the doors of the maternity ward and they put me in a room and told me to get undressed and put on a gown. They hooked me up to a monitor. I was nervous about surgery so my heart rate was sky high. Then they couldn’t find the baby’s heart beat. I was trying not to cry and the nurse was trying to make everything okay by saying, “Sometimes these machines are hard to get the heartbeat” so she has me turning left and right just to find his heartbeat. By then I was getting scared and worried so I asked for a sonogram. The sonogram technician came in with my doctor and checked my baby.

The nurse grabbed my hand and I instantly started to cry. The doctor tried hard to find the heartbeat and turned to me and said, “Sorry there is no heartbeat.” Right there I just wanted to die. I start asking, “Why?” Why did this happen to me? My baby. I will never hear him say, “I love you, Mama.” I will never hear a giggle. I cannot stop crying. All I can think about is my baby. My beautiful baby boy. I’ve never seen my boyfriend break down and cry until that day. Our son was gone, everything that he had longed for was gone.

They asked me if I still wanted the c-section and I said yes. At 3:00 p.m., I was wheeled into the OR. At 3:25 p.m. I laid my eyes on my handsome baby boy, who looked just like his father. He was 7 pounds 9 ounces and 21 inches long. He was perfect. They showed me his cord which was knotted and told me that was the reason why.

No one ever tells you about this part of pregnancy. One in 4 women will experience a child  loss. No one ever told me I could be that 1 in 4. I think about my son every day, every second and minute. I am the face of stillbirth. Our family has a guardian angel watching over us and I know he’s safe in heaven.

You can email April at

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  1. Oh, honey. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy. I will pray for the healing of your family, and that you find peace some day. This hit me so hard, as I have also had 3 scheduled c-sections, and you were so ready to meet him. All my love.

  2. Tina Rose says:

    April I am so so sorry for the loss of your handsome son Kristian. This is something no mother should ever have to face. I know what it is like to go to full term and enter the hospital thinking you will be soon meeting your child for the first time. I lost my daughter after being induced @ 42wks, she was born alive but only lived for a few minutes. It was so very unexpected. How is it possible we can make it all the way to full term or even post term and lose our babies at the very end??? It makes no sense, it is so unfair. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please allow yourself to grieve and feel everything you need to feel. Seek support through a grief counselor or support group when you are ready (it really does help). Try to be gentle with yourself. Feel free to message me anytime too. xo

  3. Megan Laut says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. :(

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