Mom to Hayden Lee

Fairbanks, Alaska

August 1, 2012

My husband and I knew each other for 19 days before we married. That’s all it took to know he was the one. August 1, 2011, was the day we met and who knew exactly one year later we would be giving birth to the lifeless son we had longed for.

On January 28, 2011, I was ecstatic! I was pregnant! I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, diabetes and high blood pressure, I thought it would be a long and hard process but it wasn’t! Like any other couple who was expecting a child, we were so excited for the anatomy scan.

You don’t think about organs forming, you don’t think about your blood sugar levels at conception and did this cause a heart defect, you are thinking about gender! We were having a baby boy. But after the scan I entered the doctor’s office and was shot straight into my heart.

My son had endocardial cushion defect. My beautiful baby had an abnormal heart and they assured me that they would plan to do surgery and it was repairable. I kind of poured all my faith into this and never imagined he would never cry or take his first breath. My husband and I were on the rocks, things like this should be pulling us closer but I hardly knew him and wanted my mom and we were always fighting.

The pregnancy progressed and ultrasounds laid out a map of the big plan to “fix” our son. On July 29, 2012, was the day I entered a world that I didn’t know what I was anymore. I didn’t feel him moving anymore and my mom picked me up and we went to the doctor. “There’s no heartbeat.” Those were the words I heard as I curled into a ball with my round belly tucked inside my arms and cried knowing he was inside me but gone.

The next few days really didn’t mean anything to me until August 1, 2012. Remember, one year exactly after meeting my husband, a man I fell in love with is now standing beside me as I am pushing out our lifeless child. That was exactly how I felt our relationship was. I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want this to be happening because then Hayden would be gone forever. No longer inside of me.

I gave birth to a 4lb 2oz baby boy who was 17.5 inches at 11:38am. He was beautiful and perfect and I didn’t understand why we couldn’t keep him. This story doesn’t have a permanent sad ending. Hayden will always be with me and always be my baby. But he was more than a “loss.” He was our glue. He was our reason to try. My husband and I realized we needed to trust and lean on each other. We needed to believe in each other and love each other because our son died trying to meet us. He died for us and as much as it hurts like someone is sitting on my chest, I know he is my angel and watching over us. And now after three years of struggling for another chance to become parents and my PCOS rearing its ugly head we finally had our rainbow baby.

We gave birth to Hayden’s baby brother in 2015. I am more aware of pregnancy and infant loss and I reach out to mothers who are experiencing the heart wrenching chapter of their lives and I give them the hope I had to find myself.

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