Mom to Brooke Isabelle 

May 23, 2015

 Isanti, Minnesota

I worked with kids my whole life and I couldn’t wait till the day I could have my own. I got pregnant a little less than a year after my husband and I got married and we were both ecstatic! My lifelong dream was coming true. Right away I started planning and getting so excited for our little one’s arrival. My first ultrasound was at 6 weeks and it was such a crazy and surreal thing to see my little baby’s heartbeat fluttering in the screen. I had some morning sickness but otherwise I was feeling great! Each appointment my doctor always said “things look great see you next time!” I let out a big sigh of relief as I passed first trimester as I knew the chance of miscarriage was less likely to happen.

Second trimester was a breeze. Time was flying by. My husband and I went to my 20th week ultrasound together; we were so excited to find out baby’s gender. It was a GIRL and the tech said she looked healthy and was growing right on schedule! I was so happy, time for lots of pink! This was all a dream come true, it was so surreal and amazing. Before I knew it I was in my third trimester which started off a little rough with baby bringing me heartburn and Braxton hicks. But like always doctor said everything looked great and all was normal. I passed all the tests with no problem. My belly was growing and growing. We were getting closer to meeting our little girl who we named Brooke Isabelle.

We had lots of fun setting up and decorating Brooke’s nursery. Pink everywhere with a ladybug theme. I would spend hours in the nursery getting everything in place. Washing and folding her little clothes, setting up her baby swing, bouncer, car seat and stroller. Putting her diapers and wipes and all her hair bows in cute baskets. She received so many wonderful gifts at the baby showers and I had fun putting everything in place. I loved being in her room. It was my little happy place.

At 36 weeks the doctor thought Brooke may be positioned sideways so he had me do an ultrasound to confirm her position and indeed she was sideways but all else looked great. Strong heartbeat and she was moving! She was coming soon and we were thrilled to finally meet her.

We were hoping she would move head down on her own or we would have to get a procedure done to get her to move, but Brooke decided to move on her own and at my 37 week appointment she was head down. I had my last doctor appointment at 39+4 and she had a good strong heartbeat, but since my cervix wasn’t softening much doctor predicted I would go past my due date.

I left the clinic that day a little sad knowing we would have to wait a few more days to meet her. That appointment was on a Monday. That day and Tuesday the next day Brooke was moving like crazy. But I recall that Wednesday I felt no movement but didn’t think much of it since she was moving so much the past two days and always heard they don’t have much room to move towards the end.

My due date was that Thursday. I got small contractions that night. Friday morning after calling my clinic and talking to a nurse who told us to come to the hospital. While I was on the phone my husband installed the car seat and put the diaper bag in my car as well as our hospital bags. We were SO excited; the time was finally here to meet our baby girl!

I shed a few tears as we got in the car thinking this is it, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for! As we drove to the hospital I was thinking it was a beautiful sunny spring day to have a baby. We checked into the hospital and the nurse brought us to a room. She put the doppler on me and attempted to find baby’s heartbeat. She kept moving it around looked puzzled. I asked her if it takes awhile to find and she said “yeah sometimes”, but I was thinking my doctor always found it right away with no problems.

Then she asked when I felt the baby move last and I had to think for a moment and said it was a few days ago. She then paged my Doctor who was there in a flash. He brought in the ultrasound computer. It was so nice seeing a familiar face. He just said hello to me and starting doing an ultrasound on my baby. The nurse was holding my hand and my husband was pacing the floor. I recall it being the longest moment of my life. I was staring at the ceiling and kept thinking everything is fine.

My doctor was not saying a word instead was concentrating so hard on the screen. It was dead silence. I mouthed to my husband “is everything ok?” He looked at me with fear in his eyes and shrugged. After what seemed like forever my doctor said “well we are looking at your baby here and we can’t find a heartbeat.” I covered my face and just lost it sobbing. I yelled at my doctor “AT ALL?” Doctor said softly no not at all. I was thinking he is wrong. Not my baby. This couldn’t be! I yelled again “WHAT HAPPENED?” Doctor said “I don’t know.” How could he not know, he’s a doctor he is supposed to know! I was SO mad!! I yelled again “BUT I JUST SAW YOU MONDAY!” He said with sadness, “I know.”

How could this happen when she was very active and I had an appointment just a few days ago where she had a strong heartbeat. None of it made sense. I was in shock, I was numb. I was so angry! I couldn’t believe it. I wanted her out. My doctor wanted to show me on the ultrasound that indeed she was gone, but I was so angry I didn’t want to look, but finally I did and he explained how she had no heartbeat and that her cord wasn’t wrapped around her neck or anything.

He told us we could stay and be induced or labor naturally and come back. And then he left. The nurse advised us to go home and tell our family and to let it process. Going home was just awful. Driving away from the hospital with an empty car seat was so devastating. Telling our families was the hardest thing. But somehow I didn’t believe it. I was in denial. She was still in me and I knew a miracle would happen. I even said to the nurse “well there are stories that the baby is born dead but after placed on mother’s chest they come back to life.” I remember thinking that is what would happen to us and all would be ok.

When we got home I went straight up to my room and shoved her bassinet that was by our bed into her nursery and closed the door. I went to lie down and cry. My contractions were getting stronger however. I threw up at home due to being so upset and in pain. I couldn’t eat or focus, this was my worst nightmare. We went back to the hospital late that night after I couldn’t handle the contractions anymore. I gave birth to our beautiful and perfect daughter Brooke Isabelle early the next morning after 8 hours of labor and a smooth natural delivery.

She was perfect weighing at 7lbs 3oz and 21in long. When the nurse placed Brooke on me after I gave birth to her I was immediately in love. I was so proud to be her mommy, but devastated we couldn’t keep her. We held her for the longest time and just cried. She was born silent, but that is the loudest most deafening sound a mother can ever face.

I wanted so badly to hear her cry. Our time with her was way too short. We miss her greatly and she will live in our hearts forever. There was no known cause of her death after the autopsy. Doctor said her oxygen got cut off abruptly at the very end for an unknown reason. She was healthy and wasn’t suffering, which has given us some peace.

We miss her so much but we now have a precious little angel watching over us. Fly high Brooke! We love you!

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  1. Dominique says:

    Alyssa, I am so, so sorry for your loss. This is so heartbreaking to hear. You are so strong for sharing your story. You are not alone.

  2. Alyssa, I am so sorry you lost your beautiful Brooke Isabelle. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter the same day and I miss her every day. I just cant believe she’s gone. My situation was different, but I know your pain.

  4. Am so Sorry for your loss Alyssa.Lost my girl too on 21st June,2015. I had named her Elianah and she was my first born. Thanks for sharing your story,it has given me strengthen. Brooke Isabelle is proud to have a mommy like you

  5. Alyssa, thank you for sharing Brooke with us.

    Reading I’m struck by how recent your loss is. Healing takes time. Lots of good energy & peace to you on the journey.

  6. Robin Martin says:

    So sorry for your loss my daughter in law and son lost their 1st baby on 5/22/15 in a similar situation at 38 1/2 weeks. She had been to doctor the day before and everything was fine. No one can understand the pain of this kind of loss until you have been through it. Know I am praying for your family. Our baby’s name is Caleb Matthew Martin born 5/22/15.

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