Mother to Samuel Robert

January 29, 2015

Greenville, Pennsylvania

Samuel was our “Bonus Baby” or so we called him.  The news of our pregnancy was a surprise.  Our kids were 9 and 11 when we found out we were expecting.  We had always wanted a third child but so much time had passed we didn’t think it would happened.  We so excited to learn that we would be adding a new member of the family.  My children helped with names and dreamt of the future they would have with their new brother or sister.  The day we learned that our Bonus Baby was a boy, we immediately went shopping and bought the most adorable baby outfits.  My son, who is a baseball fanatic, picked out a special baseball rattle for his brother.  The two of them also agreed on a stuffed Dumbo for Samuel that would hold a special place in his nursery.

We received a call that they needed to take another look as he had been uncooperative.  Then came the news he was measuring small and they thought he had a mass on one of his kidneys.  We went to Pittsburgh and they did another ultrasound.  I knew something was wrong when the tech left and came back with the doctor.  He looked and confirmed he was measuring small.  He escorted my husband and me from the exam room into an office where he gave us the devastating news that the cord flow was reversed and would eventually stop all together.  He told us that our best chances were to hope Samuel could grow enough to deliver him.  He was very honest with us and told us that day that it was very likely we would lose him.  I didn’t want to believe him.

We cried the entire way home.  We went home and had to tell the kids that Sam might not make it.  My son and daughter reminded that God could heal our baby and so we prayed.  We researched on the internet about reverse flow.  There was not much out there but the doctor suggested a baby aspirin could potentially help.  We tried to stay positive and prayed for a miracle.  My husband did everything.   He was convinced that if I rested we could help Sam get here.

The morning I went to the doctor was January 22, 2015.   I was going to meet a geneticist because I had just had a bunch of blood work done as a result of a prior visit.  We were anxious to see how much our baby had grown.  I knew as soon as the ultrasound started that there was no heartbeat to be found.  The look on the technician’s face gave it away.  She was so kind and hugged me and my husband.  The next week was a blur.  We had to wait a week to deliver our precious baby.  It was the most excruciating week of my life.  I am not sure why we had to wait, but January 29, 2015, Samuel entered our world stillborn and still in his sac.  Telling our children that Sam had passed was horrible.  Our son cried and our daughter was very solemn.  She has since become very emotional.

We talk about Sam. We mourn what could have and should have been.  My husband goes from being okay to extremely sad.  There are times when he is just angry.  We struggle when we watch Joshua and Megan play with our younger nieces and nephews.  They would have been amazing with Sam.

I have been doing okay at least I think so most days.  I have good days and I have bad days.  Sometimes I hear a song and it brings me to tears.  Returning to work was hard.  I had someone ask me when I was due.  It was a knife to my heart.  I told them that we had lost our baby.  I honestly felt as bad for them as I did for myself.  It all happened so quickly that I am not even sure I understand what happened.  We went from being happy to being devastated in such a short amount of time.

You can e-mail Jamie at jmmay33@hotmail.com.

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  1. Rachel Richardson says:

    I understand your pain. If you need to talk to someone, contact me.

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