Mom to Avalon

Born still December 13, 2012 at 20 weeks gestation

Ann Arbor, Michigan

I’ve always wanted a daughter. I’m the seventh in a line of mothers and daughters, through which the property I own has been passed down. The mothers and daughters in my family are very close, and there was nothing I wanted more than the next girl of our line. My sisters both had little girls as well, and my mother was rooting for a girl from the start. I used a sperm donor to conceive, and got pregnant on the fourth try. I was one week away from my 19 week anatomy scan when I suddenly began to bleed. I was hospitalized with a suspected partial placental abruption, but luckily the baby was ok and my cervix was closed, although on the thin side.

The last 5 weeks of my pregnancy was the most wonderful time of my life. I had felt my baby move since week 14, something that filled me with awe and made me want to dance for joy. I started to show and really “popped” at 17 weeks (I’m pretty thin to begin with), and I couldn’t stop staring at my belly in the mirror, touching it, or showing it off. I felt like I was on top of the world. At night I listened to the baby with my home doppler, feeling as if we were in our own little world together, floating blissfully through the hours. When I found out it was a girl, everyone and I knew was beside themselves with joy, as was I.

Unfortunately, about a week after the first bleed, I began to bleed again, and the bleeding put me into sudden hard labor. I went immediately to the hospital, but was told that I was completely effaced and had started to dilate. There was nothing they could do, and the baby was several weeks too young to try to save. My life has never been the same since.

I moved through those nightmarish days of laboring, delivering, and recovering as if it was happening to someone else. I held my daughter and saw her perfect features. She weighed 7.5 oz and was 8.5 inches long. She had my mouth and chin, and her little hand was curled up toward her face just like she had always had it in the ultrasounds. She was 100% perfect, and until she was born, completely healthy. My placental abruption had caused premature labor; there was nothing wrong with the baby herself. 

Every day I feel like I wake up the way I did after I woke up in the hospital, after the birth, and after being whisked to OR to stop my hemmorhaging. Absolute horror that my baby was gone. I was empty. I was violated. Death had crept inside of me and stolen everything sacred in my life. I woke up to a nightmare and the nightmare continues. She was my precious dream come true, my hope and my future, and she never had a chance to breathe in this world. I hope that she felt my love for her, and the love of her aunts and grandmother, and that she felt nothing but safe and held and cherished.

Edith blogs at http://allmypretty.wordpress.com

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