Mom to Lydia

March 15, 2014

Dedham, Massachusetts

We were going to call her Itty, Bitty, Liddie. Her real name was Lydia Mae. She was perfect! It’s funny how when you become pregnant, your imagination runs wild. You think about what they will look like and whose personality they will have. What funny things will they do? All of it. But you never imagine, what if they don’t make it? What if we lose our child? At least that’s one thing I didn’t imagine. How does anyone get through that? Well, Kevin and I have to. We lost Lydia when I was 26 weeks pregnant. It was our worst nightmare and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

One night after a very normal day, I had severe stomach problems, a crazy pain that I had never felt before. I knew something was off so my husband and I rushed to the hospital. After a very long wait, they looked me over and told me it was the flu and to go home and rest. My gut said they were wrong, but what do I know? I had been worried about every little thing the whole pregnancy and it was always nothing. After all, I’m not a doctor so they must know more than I do. I should have trusted my instinct and my body. It wasn’t the flu.

I went to bed with hopes that when I woke up, I would feel better. Not even 4 hours later, I woke up in even more pain. I was vomiting and I couldn’t walk. My husband rushed me back to the hospital. Along the way, we stopped every block so that I could throw up. We couldn’t even make it to our normal hospital. We stopped at a smaller hospital not far from our house. Right away, they took my symptoms very seriously and put me in an ambulance to our normal hospital. We waited for what seemed like forever and then went on to do a million tests. I was told that it was my appendix. It had ruptured 2 days earlier and they needed to do an emergency surgery. The entire time, I was asking if this was safe for the baby and I was assured she would be fine. We went forward with the surgery. The surgery went well and we were both recovering perfectly. She was great and still going strong.

I rested pretty easily since I could still feel her moving and doctors were telling me how strong she was. Now, I feel like they gave me false hope.

The next day, I was ok for most of the day. I had some pain and couldn’t really move around, but I was told that was all normal. Since everything was going well, I told my husband to go home and get some rest since it had been a very long 2 days. He helped me to the bathroom before he started to pack up and go. That is where and when our nightmare happened. I didn’t feel any contractions, any kind of labor pain, nothing at all. It wasn’t until I felt her come out of me that I had known anything was going on. As soon as I realized, I reached down to grab my baby from the toilet, pulling at anything that I could get my hands on in order to get her out.

My husband still remembers my screams and cries from the bathroom that day. I don’t remember much, it’s mostly a blur, but I remember in that moment I didn’t matter; all I wanted was for Lydia to be ok. The nurses and doctors poured in, holding me back, lifting me up, and not letting my hands go. One nurse pushed my head into her chest and held me there so that I could not see all what was happening to myself or to Lydia. I delivered an almost 2lb baby girl. They whisked her away as I begged to know if she was breathing. She was alive for 20 minutes. She was too little and lived in the poison in my body for too long.

I will never forget that day. I will never forget my Itty Bitty Liddy. How beautiful and perfect she was. How strong and how much sass and fight she had in her (even if she was only 2lbs).

I decided to blog because I feel I have a lot to say and a lot just sitting around in my head. I want people to know my story, to know that I had a baby, and that she was real. Some people call it a miscarriage, to me that is like saying she was never born. That she was not formed or didn’t exist. That takes away from her 20 minute struggle to breath and my fight to save her.

I had a baby. She was beautiful and she was just as much real as any other child. She just didn’t get the opportunity to live for long. But boy was she a fighter!

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