Mommy to Baby Girl Eva born still on September 29, 2006 and
Baby Boy Elijiah on November 30, 2012

Anza, California

My name is Margarita. I was born and raised in the Ukraine. I moved to CA when I was 17 so I could go to a college here. When I was 21, I met my future husband, that I’m still over the hill in love with. We got married one year after we met each other. Six months later, we found out that we were expecting our first child. We were beyond happy and could not wait to meet our baby. We found out that it was a girl. I already had a name for her that I had in my mind for years and years… Eva! I had an easy, without any complications pregnancy.

My family and friends had a beautiful baby shower for me, where we got tons of pretty pink stuff, and we just put the crib together in our bedroom. On the September 28th, I had my regular check-up appointment. That day I felt weird and I felt like I haven’t felt the baby move. After my husband got home, we went to see our OB and that’s when they confirmed that there was no heartbeat. I was a little over 35 weeks of pregnancy. I remember how heartbroken we were, how confused, but yet we trusted our God. That night we went to the hospital and I was induced into labor. Baby Eva was born silent the next day. We got to hold her, share her with family and friends and take some pictures of her beautiful little face. We end up doing an autopsy, because there were no reasons of her death that we could see. The tests showed us that she had a genetic disorder. My husband and I got tested too, the results came back normal. So, we got an ok from our OB to start trying for another baby.

We got pregnant 3 months after our loss with Eva. We end up having a healthy little boy that was born at 36 weeks of pregnancy, who is 5 years old now [at time of writing]. When he was 9 months old, I got pregnant again with our next son, who is also healthy and was born at 37 weeks of my pregnancy.

I always wanted to have 3 or 4 kids. This year, we decided to get pregnant again. I got pregnant right the way and our “surprise” baby was due December 31st. I had a great pregnancy, no complications, no preterm contractions, no bed rest, and I was even emotionally really happy the whole pregnancy. Since all of my kids were born a few weeks earlier, we were expecting this baby to arrive early. On Monday, I had a regular doctor’s appointment, we heard the heartbeat and even laughed at my belly because it was moving all around. On Thursday, I woke up and I felt a baby move, but not as normal.

During the morning I was busy with my boys, then about noon I decided to lay down and listen to the heartbeat. I thought I found it for a few seconds, but then I couldn’t find it again, and I didn’t feel him for awhile. My husband came home and we went to the hospital. At first the nurse found baby’s heartbeat, for like 3 minutes, but then we realized that it wasn’t baby’s, it was mine. So, once again we got the news that our baby was not here anymore. We could not believe that we were going through it again, that it was real, that it was us. At that point, I got really angry at God because it just didn’t make any sense to me or my husband. How could we lose another child? Why?

I ended up delivering our “surprise” baby boy the next morning without epidural (which wasn’t my choice, I just went in to labor super fast on my own). Elijah was an absolutely handsome little baby boy and he was perfect. There was a knot in the umbilical cord. I’m still in shock that it happened to us twice and two different random accidents. It just doesn’t feel right. The OB said for 20 years working in his field, he never met anybody who went through stillbirth twice. I’m not angry at God anymore. I’m still not sure what the reasons were, but I’ll just have to trust Him on this one again. Maybe one day my husband and I will be able to be there for some other family, but I also hope that it won’t be necessary. I pray that all these moms and dads who lost their children will have a peace in their heart someday.

You can email Margarita at: margaretochka@yahoo.com
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