Mom to an Unexpected Angel

May 27, 2013

Charleston, West Virginia

October 2012- Our second little boy E was born at home, welcomed by Daddy, Mommy, and big brother D who was nearly 2 1/2. We knew this wasn’t the end of our journey, but for now we were happy and planned to have our third baby when E was 3 or 4 years old.

This time, we decided to use FAM as our only method of birth control. Since I didn’t get my period back for 10 months after I had D and had anovulatory cycles (until I completely weaned him a month before E was conceived), I didn’t bother with charting right away.

April 27, 2013- I got my first PP period but still didn’t worry too much about charting since I have a history of anovulatory cycles and E was only 6 months old and still EBF. I tried to pay attention to cervical mucus, but didn’t do a very good job because I ovulated without knowing, sometime around the 11th I’d estimate.

May 15, 2013- I started feeling some cramps and thought I could be ovulating, so I checked my cervix to see if it was open or if I had fertile mucus, but it was very closed and dry. I worried that it could be implantation pain and being impatient and irrational (knowing full well even if I was pregnant I probably wouldn’t get a positive) I took a test that evening. It was negative. I left it on the counter and went to bed.

May 16, 2013- When I woke up, I noticed that there was a second line on the test I had taken the previous night. I declared it an evaporation line (which is probably was) since I hadn’t noticed it when I took the test and tossed it. But my curiosity got the better of me and I took another test. I saw a second line, or did I? I squinted and held it up to the light. I saw something, but only barely. Maybe I was crazy. I took another. It too had a very faint second line. “It’s probably was just my mind playing tricks,” I told myself, or more evaporation lines. I decided to try again in the morning.

May 17, 2013- Another test… or two… or three… and more very faint lines. They weren’t any darker, so I still thought I was crazy.

May 19, 2013- Negative. Had I been imagining it? Was I seeing things?

May 21, 2013- Two more faint positives. They looked just like the ones from the 17th, no darker. I took a picture and posted it online for opinions. Others could see the lines too, so I wasn’t crazy. I did begin to get worried though. The lines were getting darker and I didn’t think that the pregnancy would stick. My period was due in 4 days. I went out that evening and got a 3-pack of name brand tests, hoping they’d give me a darker positive. I immediately took one when I got home and it was negative. I decided to try again in the morning.

May 22, 2013- Negative. I took another cheapo test, also negative. I was left scratching my head, not sure if I was pregnant or not. I knew though, in my gut, that I was pregnant or had been, and that I was having a chemical pregnancy.

May 23, 2013- Today was my birthday and I was in the midst of my first miscarriage. “Happy Birthday to me,” I thought. I was convinced I’d start bleeding that day, so my body could add insult to injury. I didn’t bother to test as I knew what was happening.

May 26, 2013- My period was due the day before, so I decided to use my last name brand test. I didn’t get my hopes up and I knew it would be negative before the results came up. Now there was nothing left to do but wait. Wait to miscarry. Wait to start bleeding so I could be absolutely sure that I wasn’t pregnant, or rather that I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

May 27, 2013- I started bleeding that night. A lot. I had put my cup in just in case I started and it had overflowed the next morning with horror movie red blood. It didn’t look like normal period blood, it looked like the blood that came immediately after giving birth. It wasn’t old like a period, it was fresh with the lose of my pregnancy.

June 1, 2013- I’m still bleeding although it has slowed down and all I feel is numb. I can’t properly mourn because I feel like I don’t even really know if I was pregnant or not. Well I know I was, but no one else except my husband does. Now wasn’t the best time for us to have a baby, but when that first test turned positive, I knew it would be ok. We wanted at least 3 kids, so what did it matter if one decided to come a little early. Maybe this could’ve finally been our chance at a daughter… but I’ll never know. At least not in this lifetime. I’ll never know if it was a boy or a girl. If they would look like me or my husband. If they would have mine and my oldest son’s firey personality or if they would be calm and collected like my husband and second son. And worst of all, I’ll never know if this was actually a pregnancy or not. But I feel it was, and that is all it takes for me to feel the hurt of my loss.

I wanted to write all this down so I’ll never forget the very few details I have regarding this pregnancy and my unexpected angel baby. Just a picture of a few faint tests and the dates of my loss. My due date would have been February 1, 2014.

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