Tyler, Texas

Even though I did not experience a stillbirth myself, I had two miscarriages several years ago. Back then in 1998, I never even really talked about them with anyone except my husband and my mother. The first one was 9 weeks and we just moved on and kept trying. I was lucky even though I was an older woman, I was able to conceive and give birth via C-section to my beautiful girl who is now 17 years old [at time of writing]!

While I nursed her, we didn’t use birth control. I guess I believed the old wives’ tale that if you breast feed exclusively, you won’t get pregnant. We had such a hard time conceiving in the first place! I can’t recall why exactly, but I went to the gynecologist (maybe it was routine after having the C-section three months before) and found out I was pregnant! I had not known! My daughter was three months old. Everything seemed fine, so I started the prenatal vitamins and was given an appointment for follow-up in about a month (earliest appointment). Well, three weeks later I started bleeding and cramping heavily. I ended up losing the baby and it was actually 13 weeks. We were so shocked. I had somehow gotten pregnant immediately when the doctor gave us the okay to become intimate again.

I never used birth control after that, and never again became pregnant. I still miss that precious lost baby, and our daughter is our only [living] child. I’ve written a poem about the loss of a child, and I wonder whether others who have lost their babies might gain some comfort from it.

Always My Baby

I’m thinking of you, precious one,
My child who will never grow up.
It seems like only yesterday
When your heart beat so near mine,
When plans were made,
Days were counted,
until we counted no more.
We’ll never see your dear first steps,
Or see you off to school;
We’ll miss the joy of hearing you
Say those very special first words.
There’ll be no games of catch,
No songs or peek-a-boo;
No messy bibs or face to wash,
Nor cuddles after a bath;
No putting you down all sweet and clean
For your afternoon nap.
You’ll always be part of who I am –
Always missed and loved.
You sleep, my darling angel;
In my dreams you’ll always be
My sweet and innocent

 Forever perfect baby.

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