Mom to an Angel Baby

April 27, 2012

Lucerne Valley, California

I was 16 when I got pregnant. I found out the first week in March. I only told two people I was pregnant. My boyfriend, of course, and my cousin, Karissa, that I told all of my secrets. I trusted her with something that I thought she would keep a secret. But I was wrong. I went to school and everyone was staring and whispering when I passed. I heard people whispering, “I wonder if she’s going to keep it?” People called me a slut and a whore. My best friend at the time confronted me about being pregnant and told me I should get an abortion because I was “ruining my life.” Everyone knew: teachers, students, staff. I confronted my cousin and she said she told no one, which was the biggest lie. I let it go and called my dad to pick me up.

I told my dad that I wanted to go on independent study because I was having problems at school. He agreed, and I started going to Options for Youth. A week later, he picked me up from school and confronted me about being pregnant. He told me he overheard me talking to my cousin when I was in the shower. I told him that I was pregnant. He picked up a pregnancy test and prenatal vitamins. Of course the test was positive. My parents talked to my boyfriend and me. They allowed him to move in. When I told my real mom I was pregnant, she told me she wanted nothing to do with me or my baby. I left it at that and told myself I didn’t need her support.

My boyfriend moved in and everything was great. I started taking prenatals, ate well, read pregnancy books, cut out caffeine and everything that the books told me would lead me through a healthy pregnancy. The day after my dad confronted me, my aunt announced that she was pregnant, too. They lived with us at the time. Our due dates were one day apart. She was already 7 weeks, like me, and she smoked and drank through her first trimester and ended up smoking through her whole pregnancy. We were thrilled to be sharing pregnancy together. I knew I was going to be a good mom; I just knew it.

I went to the OBGYN at 9 weeks, 3 days. I had to come back two weeks later for my pap smear and ultrasound. At my pap smear, they let us listen to our baby’s heart beat through the doppler. It was 156 bpm. All I could do was smile. I had to go in the next day to get my ultrasound. Little did I know I would never see my little nugget. I went home and my boyfriend and I discussed names and planned out our new little family’s future. I had this weird pain in my stomach that night. Not cramps, just twinges. My doctor said it was normal to have a little discomfort and minor bleeding after a pap smear, so I went to bed.

I woke up around 3:00 a.m. to use the bathroom and when I stood up, a gush of water soaked my panties and pj bottoms. I woke up my boyfriend and dad and told them I thought my water broke. I wasn’t bleeding, so the hospital said they would run tests and go from there. I laid in the hospital bed with my boyfriend and fell asleep for nearly four hours until someone came to do an ultrasound. I knew something was wrong. I had so much cervical mucus when she put the probe in. I saw no flicker of a heartbeat or even an outline of a baby. she told me to empty my bladder so we can get a better picture. When I did, I heard something plop in the toilet. I looked down and saw a small little baby the size of a large plum. I went and got the technician and she said, “I’m sorry, but you had a miscarriage.” I cried. That is all I could do. My boyfriend just sat there and cried with me.

At that point, I just wanted to leave and go home. We rang the nurse bell and no one came in for us to sign our release papers. My dad was so pissed. I heard him yelling, “My daughter just had a f****** miscarriage and all she wants to do is go home and you just stand around here talking. We’re gone.” We left. When I got home, I cried for days not wanting to get out of bed.

It’s been a little over 8 months since my miscarriage [at time of writing]. The pain hasn’t gotten easier; it’s all I think about. I don’t know how I’m going to find closure about my loss. My boyfriend and I have been trying for another baby for a while now, but nothing. My biggest fear is to never have someone call me mommy. It’s even harder to be around my aunt and her new baby. All I can think is, that should be me and I should have a baby. I had so much anger toward her because she had a healthy pregnancy and she did everything wrong. I did everything right and had a miscarriage. I will never understand why God took my baby. I don’t know if I can forgive Him. I’ll always have this ache in my heart and longing to know my angel baby. I hope one day I’ll have my rainbow baby. I am the face of loss. I am the face of miscarriage.

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