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Mom to Carter Alexander Rogers

Born October 25, 2011, Died April 15, 2012

Fountain Inn, South Carolina

It was a Saturday night, and everything was going as usual. My 3-year-old James, my 5-month-old Carter and I had spent the day playing together and sitting around outside. Both my kids went to bed at 8pm, so when 8 rolled around I put James to bed, and Carter did not seem tired, so I brought him in my room, and we watched some TV together.

He started getting pretty fussy around 9 so we swaddled him and put him in bed. He woke up and ate twice that night, once around 4am and then again at 7am. It was my boyfriend’s turn to wake up with him that night, as we alternated so both of us could get some sleep sometimes. My boyfriend said Carter ate his whole bottle at 7, so he re-swaddled him, and put him back to sleep.

My boyfriend and I woke up about 9:30am, and I immediately knew something wasn’t right. Carter never slept that late. I told my boyfriend to go check on him and the next thing I heard was him screaming “Oh God Carter no.” I ran into my son’s room, and he was up against his crib bumper in the top left corner. He was cold. We picked him up, and my boyfriend began doing CPR on him. I called 911. Everything else is kind of a blur.

The ambulance and police cars got there along with my father who noticed them all going down my street. We were transferred to the hospital, but we all knew he was already gone. I knew it the second I saw him. They pumped him full of adrenaline and tried for what seemed like forever to get him to wake up. They pronounced him dead, and we were simply sent home.

The police still had our home taped off as a crime scene and would not allow us inside. So we sat outside crying until our neighbors invited us to come in and sit with them. The end result is that no crime had been committed (of course) and that he apparently suffocated in the crib bumper–the bumper that I put in the crib.

I know you aren’t supposed to, but I still blame myself. Much like everyone else is saying… it’s the “What-ifs.” What if I had woken up earlier? What if I hadn’t swaddled him? What if he hadn’t been moved to his crib a month or so before? I miss him so much. I want him back so much.

You can contact Erica at ericalorenhamilton@gmail.com and http://www.facebook.com/eisforecstacy.

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