Mom to “Bug”

November 14, 2013

Oak Harbor, Washington

Time has never gone by so slow…
It has never hurt so much to live another day…
I keep replaying that day over and over again in my mind trying to figure out what I did wrong.
I keep reliving the moment when she said he was no longer alive.
I remember how fast the appointment went from us  laughing and joking to me screaming, James crying, then silence.
It feels like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground, stomped on it and walked away.
The first time I ever said my sons  name was for a death certificate
The first time I get to hold my son will be me getting his ashes back
The ride home from the hospital should have been the scariest yet most exciting drive of our life.
But instead it was quiet, both of us crying , wishing we were taking our boy home.
My sleepless nights should be full of feedings diaper changes and baby snuggles not my uncontrollable crying.
And just when you think you can’t cry anymore, there is somehow a reservoir of tears your body finds and it starts all over again.
People should be coming over to the house to offer congratulations not condolences.
They tell you it all gets easier
 I just want to know when.
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  1. Anne Marie says:

    I went to high school and did debate with this wonderful woman. Marisa is such an inspiration, such a source of beauty, and hands down the strongest woman I know. I love you girl, and you and Bug and James are in my thoughts. <3

  2. Hello Marisa,

    I know exactly how you feel my beautiful angel Amia Dior born sleep 12-26-13 and our life has changed and its a pain that no one can really understand unless you have experienced it yourself. The emotions and highs and lows you can’t escape and sometimes I wonder do people really understand how to be supportive or even how to treat you like a normal person. Death is never easy to talk about and I now see that we will never get over her loss but learn how to cope. Having an awareness about stillbirths and how it affects sooo many women doesn’t take the pain away but I know that I’m not alone. We were preparing to bring our angel home as well not making arrangements for her funeral. The heartache hasn’t gone away but through God I can rejoice knowing that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. I pray your strength and that your heart won’t be troubled and that your faith fail you not.

  3. Thank you for saying the words that were in my heart. It has almost been a year now since I heard those words “I’m sorry, I can’t find the heartbeat” and that is exactly what it felt like. My heart had been ripped out and stomped all over…I’m still waiting for it to come back. I’m so sorry about your loss and will keep you in my prayers. You are a brave and strong woman and deserve all the happiness in the world!

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