Mom to Sylas

Lost May 11, 2012

On May 11, 2012 I gave birth to my baby boy Sylas. He was a few days shy of six months.  He was strangled by the cord.  I was unable to get pregnant, so I thought, due to undetermined infertility.  I had tried for 6 years with my ex-husband and then later with a boyfriend of two years.  I got pregnant from my lover and of course it was a complete surprise. 

I was happy, scared, in disbelief; every emotion imaginable I felt went I saw the test strip positive and after confirming with my doctor.  I was in disbelief for the first 3 months believing that there was no way that I could be having what I wanted all my life, thinking I may miscarry.  But after several doctor’s appointment and sonograms, I was able to be happy and confident that I was going to be a mommy.  I had never felt that much happiness and joy in my life and then he started kicking, oh my God, I was so happy, I felt my little boy inside me.  I used to sing to him every day in the shower and when I had a 3-D sonogram he moved to not only classical music, but hip hop, too. 

I felt great, never had morning sickness, was very active, worked-out regularly and went to work every day.  I was so happy. All I cared about was me and my baby and saving money and his daycare.  By the fifth month of my pregnancy I had purchased a crib, two outfits and found a daycare for him. 

On May 6th I went to the emergency room because I had yellow discharge and it was nothing I had seen before and knew it was not right.  They kept me overnight to run tests.  First they determined I was a little dehydrated, so I was put on an I.V.  After some test they determined I had e-coli.  They kept me another night for observation.  I was sent home for bed rest and had a follow-up in two days.  The first night I was home I was so happy that I didn’t have a catheter and was in my own bed.  The second night was different, it was the worst of night of my life.  I was sweating, I couldn’t get comfortable, I felt the baby kick so hard several times.  I thought I may have had eaten something that disagreed with him, but I didn’t think that I had to go the emergency for that.

I got up to go to my follow-up and the doctors couldn’t find his heart beat.  I wasn’t worried so much because I thought I felt him move every time I got up.  I knew when I got the sonogram that my baby boy had died the night before.  The sonographer could not look at me and turned the screen away from me.  The doctor was upstairs and told me what I already knew.

I delivered Sylas on May 11, 2012. 

It’s been almost six month and I’ve been crying now more than before it seems.  The therapist helps and my friends listen.  But there are moments when I just don’t want to talk to my friends and bring them down, or repeat the same thing.  I have been needing a support group because I need coping skills.  I have a void in my heart an emptiness nothing has filled.  My boyfriend helps tremendously, but nothing compares to that joy I felt in my heart.

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  1. U can always talk to me ONA. I never get tired of listening

  2. Odette, I am so sorry for your loss. My son was stillborn on 9/12/00. I have said a prayer for you that God would bring you peace and comfort and that you would hold your son in heaven one day.

  3. I am so sorry for the loss of such a precious baby boy. Find comfort knowing you are NOT alone. Many of us have one thing in common; angels. Thank you for sharing Sylas’ story! Gone but NEVER forgotten playing amongst the clouds with all of our angels!

  4. thank you for sharing your story. I lost my son Liam on October 13th of this year. The pain doesnt go away and i feel worse as time goes on. I feel like I cant express how I feel a lot because I dont want to sound like a broken record. These support groups and counseling help a lot. You are right, nothing compares to the joy i had when i was expecting. My life seems meaningless now.

  5. Jen Wash says:

    I wanted to tell you I was 38 weeks pregnant and on night my son gave a strong kick in my belly. i never heard from him again. I went to the hospital and Delivered he was perfect but there was a knot in the cord. I know the emotional pain. My arms ached so bad, because I wanted him home with me. His name Is Drew Michael and I miss him dearly. I am his mom. He was born April, 24, 2005 and that first mother’s day was so hard, but I was still a mom. I know I live here and he lives in heaven. i had to get on an antidepressant, I still have brusts of anger. Greiving is exhausting, but must be done daily. I know it’s painful when everyone else is going on with there normal routine. If you want to cry you have to, don’t hold it in, it makes it worse. I love my son and I don’t care if nobody understands my feelings, I had alot of hopes and dreams for him. Yes, he is a real person and is very much a part of me.

  6. Amy Watson says:

    I am so,so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son I to lost my son back in 2009 my heart aches for him every day. I know the pain of losing him is like nothing you have ever felt and hurts so bad,stay strong sister and life will get more bareable in the end. This is what I have on my sons head stone his name is Harri. An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth and whispered as she closed the book to beautiful for earth.This is for your son to x

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