Mom to Langston Elliot

Miscarried November 15, 2011

West Carrollton, Ohio

I first found out I was five weeks pregnant with Langston exactly one month before we lost him, October 15, 2011. This was my first pregnancy and my husband and I were ecstatic! We had not planned for a child, but we were happy nevertheless. We already had a name picked for him and began to come up with nursery ideas right away. We decided on Classic Pooh whether it was a boy or a girl. Even though Langston passed away before we really knew his gender, I could just tell he was boy by the way I felt. We had mapped out the nursery and told our family and friends early on (we even bought a crib set off eBay). We felt like a miscarriage could never happen to us, because my mom kept telling me how I was born to have babies. I never thought anything of it.

The best thing about being pregnant for me was getting to research about how big my baby was getting and how it was growing. This was so exciting to me. All was going well until one night I began to notice blood. I went to the doctor the very next day, and during the ultrasound we could see that there was no blood going to the baby and there was no heartbeat. I felt like the world had come crashing down on me. I was motionless. I was in complete shock and then I began to cry uncontrollably. I remember having to call work while fighting back tears and tell them why I was not going back to work that day. The doctor gave me medicine to help with the pain. She said if I didn’t have a miscarriage by that Friday, I would have to come back in and have a surgery. I had the miscarriage that night. I had no medication, because I was going to wait until the next day to fill my prescription, not knowing that I would have a miscarriage in the same day. The worst part of the whole thing was that I saw Langston. I saw his lifeless body. He was only the size of a grape, but I could tell where his head was and his little arms and legs.

I went back to work just one day after that. I wanted to dive right back into work. The only thing is I work at a daycare. I was in the kindergarten room at least, but a lot of parents were pregnant at the time. I remember one teacher, forgetting that I had just had a miscarriage, showing me an ultrasound from one of the parents. I went in the bathroom later that day and broke down. I couldn’t handle it. Later that year, two of my friends (who I would have been pregnant with) had their babies. It was really hard to even talk to either of them. Then, in early spring, I had a new lead teacher in my room at work and sure enough she’s pregnant, too. I had to work side by side with her during her entire pregnancy. I think that is the hardest part, seeing other women on a day-to-day basis who are pregnant.

The one thing that has helped me get through it is that my husband and I got matching tattoos that have blue baby feet and angel wings and his initials: LEC.I also wrote a letter to Langston the day after we lost him telling him how much his father and I love him and how we miss him. We are also looking into adopting from Jamaica as well. I believe God is using this to bring me closer to Him and to help other children through me.

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