Mom to James Philip

Lost May 18, 2012

Lake Elsinore, California

I am a mother of 7 beautiful children, and to my husband and I that was a blessing. In 2007, I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. After lots of tests, my doctors confirmed that my chances of having another child was 1 in a million. I was grateful for my precious seven and thought nothing of it at the time. I was going through very painful episodes monthly due to endo problems and talked about an ablation. My doctor said, “Let’s set it up.” I got sick and had to cancel the surgery. Thank God, because the next week I found out I was pregnant. I cannot tell you the mixed emotions I had hearing the doctor say, “You are pregnant.” I thought, “You must have made a mistake, I can’t get pregnant.” He looked at me and said, “I promise you are.” I cried so hard, so scared and confused. I thought this is a gift from God and I am blessed. When my husband and I went to our ultrasound, they could not find the baby, so they said, “We think that you might miscarry.” Devastated, we walked out in tears, but prayed for a miracle. We went back one week later, and sure enough, there he was, with a strong heartbeat. We both cried, thanking God.

I remember being so excited to find out if it was a boy or girl. I truly felt in my soul it was a boy, I honestly did. At 14 weeks we went with our family, and sure enough there he was, my little boy. He was kicking, sucking his thumb, as playful as his older brothers. I felt whole and complete knowing who he finally was. We named him James Philip, James after my husband and Philip after my cousin, who is also an angel in Heaven. I remember feeling him moving and kicking all the time. At 16 weeks he had already had his onesies and blankets all ready for him. On Sunday, May 13, 2012 my husband called me over to sit on his lap. He put his hands on my belly and we felt James kick stronger than ever. It excited yet scared me. I can’t explain it, but something in my soul felt sad. I now know why! The next day, at my 18-week check up, my worst fears became reality. She said. “Jen, there is no heartbeat.” I begged her to check again. After doing multiple ultrasounds, it was confirmed that James was gone.

I remember sitting there in disbelief ,wondering what I did wrong. How could this be happening? My husband said, “I truly believe that we were holding him when he gave his last kick,” (sitting on my husband’s lap)…that we were holding him when he went with the Lord.

I gave birth to James on May 18, 2012 after 5 hours of labor. The doctor said the cause of death was a cord accident. Those words killed me. Holding him in my arms, seeing his perfect fingers, lips, ears, feeling so empty and guilty for not being able to protect him. We had his funeral four days later and it was so beautiful to see people love him, even though they never saw him. People say you should be grateful for the 7 you have and let it go. That hurts the most. Because I am grateful, but I loved my James Philip just as much. I know he is in a better place, an angel waiting for me, but I miss him so. My due date is in October and I am dreading the day. I think what keeps me strong is looking at my kids and seeing James in all of them, knowing he is always with me in my soul! I love him so much!

You can contact Jenny at

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  1. hi there my name is sara and i have 7 loving children also and was recently dig.with the same thing as you.When i went in to talk about all mt opstions to stop the pain i found out i was pregnant we where so happy and scared everything was going good up untill the 17 week when i started bleeding. the dr, could not find a reason as to why so we saw the baby and got sent hm.this went on for 3 weeks to the day when i woke up the morning of the 21 of feb.i was in lost of pain so we went in and the dr said he wanted to turmante my pregnance i was very mad and sad all in one we told him no but they put something in my iv and a few hr. later i had my little boy he had a heart beat up untill the sec, he was tiny and so still i lost it i could not belive this was happening i still feel like i could have done something to save him but they tell me it was just his time.i talk each day one at a time and love my other kids.i know how you feel when people say you have 7 other kids to just get over it this is something you just cant get over time does help untill the real due date comes around the wound is riped open all over again.yes you will make it through but dont feel bad if it takes you a few days it did me.we all heal in our own ways but none the less it still hurts there are a few things we do as a family that helps us get from day to day if you wuold like to tlak some more about this please feel free to call me i can give you my number if you would like it please just emaill me so my number is not just out there.i will pray for you and your family im so sorry for your loss as we all have felt pain nothing is as painful as this.i just want you to know you are not alone in this.i am here if you need a freind who knows what yhis feels like.our loved ones just dont get it,hope all is well with you and your family just rember you are not alone.

    Your new friend

    ………………Sara Abell……………..

  2. shelly zaguri says:

    I am so sure you love him with all of your might, regardless that your heart has room for endless love of seven others. I too, lost two sons, at exactly 18 weeks, due to an incompetent cervix. People think because I have a daughter and two living sons that it shouldn’t hurt as much. How ignorant.
    Why do people say such insensitive things?
    Who will be my Yair? My Yigal? Only the two that I lost can be them.
    Each child is irreplacable. One does not replace the other.

  3. Stephanie says:

    Jenny, I am so sorry for your loss of precious James.
    My daughter’s due date is in October, too, and I share that feeling of not knowing how that will feel. I had planned to dress her up in some silly newborn Halloween outfit. I too dread that day.
    I wish you peace and healing.

  4. Jenny, I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet little boy. I have five living children and last year lost two little boys, both at 13 weeks. The first in March, the second at the end of November. We still don’t know why it happened. I found out I was pregnant three days before my first son’s due date and it was a huge comfort. When my second son’s due date (beginning of June) came and went and I wasn’t pregnant, it was heartbreaking. To date I still have been unable to conceive. There are so many hard dates, the first being the due date. Then there’s the anniversary of when you found out you were pregnant, all the milestones, and then the anniversary of the baby’s death and birth. Each one was hard for me, but I found that the time leading up to each one was much worse than the day itself. Many other people have told me the same thing so I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort on James’s due date. My little Innocent would be turning one in a few weeks had he been born at the right time. Little Andrew’s anniversary isn’t until the end of November and I’m not looking forward to it.

    I am certain that you got a lot of the “be grateful for the children you have” line from many people. I find it such a ridiculous thing to say. Of course I am grateful for my wonderful children! But that doesn’t mean I mourn any less for the ones I lost. Someone once compared it to losing a finger: You are still happy you have your other fingers, but that doesn’t change the fact that one is missing. The wound may heal, but you will always have a finger missing.

    I pray God will continue to carry you through this difficult time. ((hugs))

  5. I have endometriosis and I know how it feels to hear those words “your chances of getting pregnant…” My second pregnancy was such a shock! It had taken us almost 5 years and a fertility specialist to get pregnant the first time. Three years later, we had finally accepted the fact that there would be no more biological children for us. We had made peace with that fact and had decided to move on and focus on my pain management for the endo. I had scheduled an appointment to talk with my OB about having either another laparotomy or a hysterectomy. Shortly before that appointment, I found out I was pregnant. Sadly, Nathan was born on July 21, 2011 after 12 hours of induced labor. He was 2 days shy of 17 weeks. At birth, his cord was wrapped twice around his neck.

    I kept re-living in my mind the days before… trying to think of everything I did. Everyone kept telling me that there was nothing I could have done and that it wasn’t my fault… but still. My one job, as a mother, was to keep him safe while inside of me and I felt like I had failed. It took me three years to be at peace with not having more children. I just couldn’t understand why would God give me this child, just to take him from me? The last year has been the hardest of my life but gradually, day by day, I’m seeing a change. I’ll never forget and I’ll never get over it… but slowly I’m learning how to navigate this road without him here.

    Hugs and prayers.

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