Mom to Drake

Born and died November 18, 2011

We had given up; all the tests at the fertility clinic showed the only thing preventing us from getting pregnant was my PCOS and that I’d have to lose some weight and keep track of ovulation and it would happen. That was in January 2011; by summer we had decided that we would focus on us, and if a baby was in our cards then it would happen. It was too stressful to go 5 times a week, sometimes an hour away, to have the ultrasounds for ovulation, and expensive! June passed and we had great fun going to the beach, July passed and we drank beers at the local amusement park and rode roller coasters ‘til they closed, August passed and we were looking forward to getting ready for our favorite holiday- Halloween. I missed a period but that was nothing unusual because of my PCOS, so I didn’t think anything of it, I had no morning sickness and I was actually losing weight. September is here and fall is starting to creep in, another month with no period and I felt fine but I decided to test one day just for the heck of it- I peed on the stick and went about my housecleaning and came back 5 minutes later…POSITIVE!

I called the doctor, called the husband, I couldn’t believe it was happening; I wondered if I was only one month or two along. Excited, we went to double check the test and yes, you are really there, so off I go for an ultrasound because I had super high levels of the pregnancy hormone…there maybe twins, oh my! Ultrasound day as the technician rolls the device over my belly, we see you…ears, hands and feet and eyes- you have been there for 4 months!  We are overcome with joy and love and cry with such happiness that we have never known. Next scheduled ultrasound is in 4 weeks- on November 18, 2011, to see if you are a boy or a girl.

Halloween comes around and we tell everyone, my parents and his were to be grandparents and a great grandmother will be created, my friends laugh as I am the late bloomer and all their children are almost finished high school- that’s okay that just means you guys will be grandparents when you’re young, haha! We search for baby clothes, what color to paint the room, what bedding, we look at boy and girl clothes and imagine who will wear these outfits one day. We pick out a boy and a girl name in anticipation and decide on what crib set to get, etc.

November 13 comes and I am having cramps as I vacuum the house so I drink some water and rest a bit. Later that day I notice clear discharge almost like I’m urinating a little on myself so I call the doctor- they say its fine as long as it isn’t yellow or bloody. The 14th comes and goes with a little more cramping and leakage, I call the OBGYN on the following morning…”It’s just Braxton Hicks,” she said, “Drink water and rest and if it gets worse, like the worst PMS cramps you have ever had, then go to the hospital.” The 16th and 17th go by and I’m still leaking but I feel fine and the ultrasound is in the morning at 8, so I figure if something is going on they will see it then. 3am I sit up in bed with horrible cramps and I feel like I’m peeing all over myself- I stand up to run to the toilet and….GUSHhhhh! My water breaks, the world goes black, a ringing in my ears, I’m dizzy and I feel like I am dying and I scream.

At the hospital we are told that my water is completely broken and there had been infection in the placenta- there is no hope of recovery and that you will soon die because you cannot breathe. With a broken soul, a heavy heart and tears searing their way down our cheeks like the currents of lava breaking over and over, we must decide- give birth or a D&E. I chose to birth you because it was the least I could do to prove I am your mother and that you were real. 12 hours, 2 dilation pills, an epidural and a Pitocin shot later you came into being for just a moment you breathed, I know you did, I felt you move. We couldn’t bear to see you, I was afraid to hold you in my arms- I regret that now. “It’s a boy,” is all I can remember the nurse having said in all those 19 hours we were there. Today, not even a year yet has gone by as I write this, you have a beautiful garden planted in the yard in your honor and we speak of you often and think about you even more. I’m not sure how we will go on, but we do and perhaps a baby brother or sister could be in the future, but time is cruel and nature against us, but w e know that one day we will all be a family again and until then my sweet angel- We love you!

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