Mom to Bella Grace

Born still December 2, 2011

Auckland, New Zealand

We fell pregnant with our first daughter in 2008 and she was born in June 2009. It was a healthy normal pregnancy and she was delivered by c-section. We decided that we weren’t going to try for another baby until we got married. So on 28th Jan 2011 we got married. In March 2012, I fell pregnant with our second daughter, Bella. She was due to arrive on Dec 2nd 2011. I had a very normal and healthy pregnancy and was referred to and OBYN just in case I went overdue and needed to have another c-sect. I was determined to have VBAC (Vaginal Birth after C-section), as she was going to be our last baby.

I went into labour on her due date and everything seemed to be going as expected. I was having contractions at home and I managed to get them to about 4mins apart before I decided to ring the midwife to go into the birthing unit to see how much I had progressed. Sadly, when I got there and the midwife had checked me over, I was only 1cm dilated and Bella was in posterior position. It was then decided that I would go in for another c-section to deliver Bella, as Holly had also been in posterior position and I was in labour with her for 30hours and failed to progress, so no doubt it would have been the same with Bella. So, we made our way over to Middlemore Hospital and upon arrival I was told there was a wait to get into the O.R as there were two women that had breech babies and needed to have a c-section also. So I was taken into a delivery room where I was given gas to help with the contractions. After about an hour of waiting I noticed my contractions were becoming extremely painful and I thought something wasn’t right. I was checked over by some of the midwives that were looking after me and they found that Bella had moved herself into breech position and they had lost her heartbeat and they were frantically trying to find it with the Doppler. I don’t remember a lot of what happened after that point as I had put myself into a trance as the pain was becoming unbearable, but I do remember one of the docs saying to me, “Don’t worry, your baby is ok”……..I was soon to find out why I was in so much pain…

I was finally taken down into the O.R after about 3 hours of waiting to have my c-section…through the whole journey down to the O.R they were still trying to find Bella’s heartbeat. When I got into the O.R they gave me the epidural, but it wasn’t working fast enough and I began not being able to breathe properly as Bella had moved so far up that I my lungs couldn’t expand properly for me to breathe. They then made the decision to put me under General and I went to sleep…not knowing of what horror was going to welcome me when I woke up….

Next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery very eager to see my new baby girl….but the only people I saw were nurses. I remember thinking it was weird that they hadn’t brought Bella in to me as I was going to breastfeed, I was also wondering were Lance was….I feel back to sleep as I was very drugged and the next time I woke up Lance was sitting next to my bed. He had a horrible look on his face…he then told me that Bella didn’t make it. I said that he was lying and he just shook his head no. I burst into tears, I was confused as to why she hadn’t made it as she was healthy and didn’t have anything medically wrong with her. Lance then proceeded to tell me that they had to give me a hysterectomy because my uterus had erupted while I was in labour (which explained the amount of pain I was in) and had caused Bella to pass away inside me. They worked on her for 20mins without success :-(. I just remember thinking, “I have lost my baby AND my uterus!! This cannot be happening!!”

When we finally met with the doctors that had operated on me, they said that the tearing was so severe on my uterus that there was no way of saving it. They had left my ovaries and cervix though, which means I am still able to produce eggs. I am just unable to carry a baby again.

I miss my Bella every single day of my life. There are times where I wish I had been taken instead of my beautiful girl. She will be forever loved and forever missed. I love you Bella with every beat of my heart. xxx

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  1. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. I lost a baby, although earlier in pregnancy, and also lost my uterus and can no longer have children, either. I understand how that feels. Hugs and prayers to you, I hope you are healing from your heartbreak. I know the pain never totally goes away, but I pray for peace for you.

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