Mom to “Peanut”
Miscarried April 1, 2010 at 10 weeks 4 days gestation


Declan Lloyd
November 18, 2011 to February 14, 2012
(Died at 12 weeks and 4 days old)

St. Peter, Minnesota

My daughter was 4 months old when my husband and I found out we were expecting our third child.  I remember feeling overwhelmed at the thought of another little one to take care of and honestly, a little ashamed that we hadn’t been more careful.  It took me a few weeks to fully embrace my pregnancy, but once I did I was so excited to have another baby.  It felt like we were finally going to be complete.  I had a scheduled ultra sound on April Fool’s Day, 2010.  My husband could not attend; I was there by myself.  I had been chatting with the nurse prior to having the ultrasound and was telling her how different this pregnancy had been and that I was feeling great, with no morning sickness at all.  When I went into the ultrasound, the ultra sound tech got everything ready and started the procedure.  I quickly was able to recognize two little arms and two little legs. It was love at first sight…She didn’t have the picture up more than 45 seconds before she told me she suspected a “demise” and left to get the doctor.  I sat there, all alone, beginning to feel waves of emotions start taking their toll…love for the baby I saw, fear for what the doctor would say, anger at the ultrasound tech, hope that she was wrong…when the doctor came in she confirmed what the tech had thought.  Our baby had passed away…there had indeed been a ”demise”.  His/her short life ended at 10 weeks and 4 days. I found out on April 1st, 2010.  The worst April Fool’s joke you can imagine.

Almost a year later, my husband and I were blessed with another surprise…we were expecting again! There was much excitement and joy at the anticipation of another baby!  Both of my children were so excited to add another child to our home.  This pregnancy went wonderfully and I had a terrible fear that it would end as our last pregnancy had, but it did not.  I carried my beautiful son, Declan, full term and had the easiest delivery of the three on Nov. 18th, 2011! He was 9lbs and 10 oz.  He was big, he was healthy and he was loved beyond measure! We took him home and began life as a family of five.  Declan was such an easy baby; so content and peaceful and wonderful.  He was greatly loved by his brother and his sister!  He was growing and was healthy and at every doctors visit the only news we ever heard was how great he was doing.  I had no concerns, the doctor had no concerns…he was 100% healthy and perfect!

On Feb. 14th, 2012, I received a call from my day care provider that she had found Declan not breathing while he was napping.  The emergency response team was there and they were performing CPR on him.  I rushed to the hospital to find the doctors continuing to do CPR.  After 2 hours of CPR, Dex’s heart began beating on its own.  We were flown to Children’s Hospital in the Twin Cities.  Upon arrival we were greeted by doctors, a social worker and the hospital chaplain and escorted to the PICU.  Declan’s heart continued to beat on its own, but he was not breathing on his own.  The doctors did multiple tests and determined that his brain had been without oxygen for too long and if he survived, his life conditions would be “disastrous”.

We spent the day with Declan; our children were able to kiss him and lay by him and both my husband’s entire family and mine were able to make it to the hospital to say their good-byes and support us.  At 10:00, we gathered everyone in Declan’s room and had his doctor take out his ventilator.  My husband and I held him in our arms as he left this world and entered the awaiting arms of our Heavenly Maker. He died at 10:15pm.  He was 12 weeks and 4 days old.  After an extensive autopsy, it was determined that he was absolutely healthy and there was no medical reason he should have passed away.  His death certificate lists his cause of death as “unexplained”…in other words, SIDS.

Holle blogs at http://www.hollejoy.blogspot.com (“Journey of the Heart”).

You can contact her at hollejoy@yahoo.com.

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  1. susan d says:

    God bless you and your family Holle.

  2. Declan is such beautiful name – one of my favorites. It’s easy to imagine what a sweet boy he was. I am so sorry for your loss.

  3. I was drawn to your story immediately from faces of loss because of your SIDS baby. When I started reading closer I got chills. My beautiful daughter, Camden, was born February 14th, 2012. Her life was devastatingly cut short on May 17th, 2012 at 13 weeks 3 days because of SIDS, as well. Your relaying of the time you all spent with Declan in the hospital brought tears to my eyes — I don’t remember much from our day in the hospital, but I understand what you all felt, feel, wanted, needed. My husband and I have been there —we ARE there, now. I look forward to following your blog — I have attached a link to mine, as well. It’s not anything exciting, but like yours, it’s helping me get through. <3 Blessing and Prayers to you and your family. Elly

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