Mom to Richard, born and died April 19, 2012


John, born and died April 19, 2012

Wichita, Kansas

I learned I was pregnant after I missed my period January this year. As this being my first pregnancy and we had not been trying, I found myself very anxious, since I didn’t think I was ready. We were having relationship issues and as much as he sounded supportive, I couldn’t help but feel scared.

I made my appointment with OB/GYN office, but before she could see me she wanted to run some labs and check my hCG levels. When they called me back with a positive result, which I already knew, the nurse also informed me that my levels were very high and the doctor wanted me to go in next day for an ultrasound. So, I went in next day for my ultrasound with my uncomfortably full bladder and the technician proceeded to tell me why they needed to do an ultrasound, since my hCG levels were high. So as she started performing the u/s she discovered there were two heartbeat as well as two sacs, thus I was introduced to Baby A and Baby B. This all was exciting as it was overwhelming. When I told him the new news from the doctor’s office he was so shocked he just about fainted. This was on 2/8/12 and the babies measured about 8 weeks.

The next few weeks I came to terms with my pregnancy and started thinking about my precious little babies that were growing inside of me. Everyone was so excited for me and were very encouraging when I has some low days, and believe me I had a few. On 2/19/12 we broke up and I decided I was going to do this by myself. It was hard but it was necessary. I had my first appointment with my OB/GYN by end of the month and everything seemed great. March went by okay with the occasional first trimester discomfort easing up slowly. When I went in for my end of March appointment I had lost some weight since last appointment, partly was due to my lack of appetite. My doctor was concerned about my gall bladder and ordered some u/s, which showed some sludge, and she wanted for me to go ahead and have the surgery, but when I met my surgeon for consultation we agreed to put the surgery off until babies were born. So I dodged that bullet and I felt so relieved.

This did not last long because I started experiencing lower abdominal pressure and my doctor wanted me to go in for an anatomy u/s. So, on 4/12/12, as I was getting my anatomy u/s done I could see my little fellas playing in my tummy and this was so exciting. Baby A was very so playful; he could not sit still for the technician to take measurements. Baby B was the more settled one. He started to play some when she was measuring him, too, but not as rowdy as Baby A. I learned that Baby A was a boy, and Baby B was being too modest to let us take a peek at his parts. He kept his legs crossed, but finally gave in and there was my other little boy, too. This was the most exciting day, as I got to see my little boys playing in me.

The technician had to do one more u/s of my cervix and that’s where all my excitement was halted. She said she could not see my cervix and had to go place a call to my doctor while I got dressed. She came back and said my doctor wanted me to go see the MFM doctor across town, since he was the high-risk doctor. She told me to go immediately and I knew something wasn’t right. I showed up at the high-risk doctor’s office thirty minutes later and they took me in right away. He performed a basic u/s and also did a transvaginal u/s. He told me that I did not have much cervical length left. He explained to me that I was funneling, and upon doing a pelvic exam he said I was 1 cm dilated. This was such horrible news he was giving me. I waited to hear some reassurance in his report but he didn’t offer any. Here I was, 19 weeks pregnant, and he said that normally he would perform a cerclage, but with me carrying twins that would be riskier than not doing it. He told me that he would be surprised if I was still pregnant the next week. This was the most devastating news I had been dealt in a long time. I asked him what else he could do and he said the only thing we could do now is give me progesterone suppositories and put me on bedrest if I wanted to, because he stated that the end result was really inevitable. He said he wanted to see me every week as long as I was pregnant. I felt so helpless and hopeless but I took the bedrest because I was so desperate to save my babies. I was so heartbroken. I called my friend, but I could not even talk on the phone because I was crying so much. My friends came and met me at the office building and we prayed together, and they followed me home.

I was home on bedrest for a week and when I woke up Thursday morning to go to my weekly appointment, I noticed I had been bleeding heavily. I knew this was not good and felt so helpless at the thought of losing my babies. I prayed for a miracle. My friend came and rushed me to the ER. By now, the pressure on my lower abdomen was pretty constant. We got to the ER and checked in about 10.30 a.m. I had called the MFM doctors office to tell them I was going to the ER due to bleeding. They took me back and when the doctor came in and did a pelvic exam, he said he could see one of the baby’s heads. The ER doctor called my OB/GYN and she informed them that they had predicted this was going to happen. The ER doctor came back n said that I was to be admitted to L&D. So, they wheeled me to L&D and started prepping me while I waited for my doctor to come. I wanted to ask her so many questions. I wanted her to tell me we can still save my babies…if not both, then at least one of them. The nurses put me in “that” position where my feet were up and my head down to see if it would help with the pressure and also keep the baby from descending any further as we waited for my doctor.

When the doctor showed up and she did a pelvic exam, she said Baby A was already presenting and I was going to have to start pushing right away. We decided to go ahead and have the epi and let me numb up before we started pushing. I remember trying to curl up like a shrimp and the sensation I felt when she inserted the needle in my spine. Soon my lower half was very numb, so much that I could not tell where my legs were. When they came back I could not lift my legs up on the stirrups or scoot my butt forward. So, we started pushing and I had to be coached on how to push, this being the first time was doing this. It didn’t take too many pushes before Baby A came all the way through. Little Richard came into this world about 1.45 p.m. My doc said his head was halfway into my vaginal canal, and that’s why he didn’t take long to be born. When I saw him I cried so much! He was so precious and he was moving his little hands and legs. They placed him on my chest and my heart was just breaking into pieces for feeling like I let my little boys down, because I could not hold them in longer.

I had asked my doctor about delivering Baby A then trying to save Baby B, and she said it would be hard to buy a couple of weeks without an infection setting in. By the time I delivered Richard, my doctor said I was losing so much blood she could not afford to hold off delivering the other baby. They did an u/s to see how and where Baby B was sitting and I could see him kicking around in there, although he was in a transverse position. My doctor called in the MFM doctor to come in and assist with the delivery of Baby A due to his position. So, I endured a lot of poking and probing while they maneuvered his little body into position and tried to push him down. This was very excruciating and I really wished they had let him stay, since he really wasn’t ready to come out. After what seemed an eternity of poking probing and pushing, little John’s water broke and here he came at about 2:35 p.m. He had some bruising from the trauma he had undergone. He looked just like his brother and he was moving his little hands and legs as well. He also kept opening his mouth. He was such a precious beautiful boy, too.

I instantly fell in love with these little boys that were lying on my chest fighting for their fragile little lives. My boys were blessed and baptized by the priest and chaplain, thus Richard and John. I held them for about two hours while I watched them taking their last little breaths as they lay peacefully on my chest. I held them for a little longer even after they were gone to Heaven. It was so hard to say goodbye to them. Oh, how I wish I didn’t have to meet them so early and leave them so soon. It was so hard when I had to say goodbye to them again as I buried them a week later. I go visit them every Thursday at the cemetery and only God knows I would give anything to see them again. This last Saturday, 5/19/12 marked one month since my angels were born and later went to Heaven. My heart aches so much for them and nothing can fill the empty void left in me.

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  1. Agnes, I wish I could offer you more than the regular “I’m sorry”, cause it just doesn’t cut it. I’m shedding tears for you today, for your broken heart and, for your little boys, not ready to live and, not ready to die. I hope you have the support you need to get through this. I have a list of baby loss communities and support networks here if you’re interested. It’s not complete, but I’m updating it as I go along and find more places. I know that you’re still in a very dark place now and that it may seem as though you’ll never get out of there, but you will. Just give yourself time, lots of time. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

  2. Oh dear Agnes,

    I won’t even try to “say the right things” because there are no words that heal these wounds. I do offer a local support group in Wichita: Glory Babies. We meet the 3rd Thursday of every month at a non-denominational church, Central Christian Church. You are welcome to attend in whatever state of mind you are – the more raw, the more real. Its a safe place to share. Check the blog listed above.

    Praying for you!

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