Mom to Little Ellie

Miscarried May 11, 2012

Lodi, Wisconsin

I am Amie. I am married to a wonderful man named Jeremy. We have two boys. Jeremy and I have been together for over 14 years. This is my first miscarriage. I am so sad and heartbroken. I know Jeremy is sad, too; I can see the hurt in his eyes as he tries not to show it. He is dealing with it in his own way. Christmas will be so hard. Ellie was due on December 8th. I can’t believe I will never hold her. I knew something wasn’t right a few weeks ago, but I tried to put it out of my mind. I have been waiting for this pregnancy and baby for so long that I tried like hell to ignore my instincts. When I started spotting on the Monday before, I knew I couldn’t ignore the signs anymore. As the bleeding progressed I started to become more scared. I call the OB nurse and she scheduled an ultrasound. I was 12 weeks along. Ellie had no heartbeat. Her gestational sac only measured 5 weeks and 4 days. She was gone.

Dear Ellie, I will never know what it will be like to be your mom. To hold you and whisper all those promises of loving you no matter what, talking to you about your brothers, being there for you, while I hold you during a midnight feeding. Our own precious time together. I loved you the moment I knew I was pregnant. I know you are with God. Loved like I could never love you. I will try to take comfort in that. I know He is with me and my faith in Him keeps us connected. Goodbye, baby girl, mommy loves you, sweet Ellie. Kisses and Hugs.

You are forever in my heart…



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