Mom to Fiona

Stillborn December 28, 2011 at 38 weeks

Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Fiona’s due date was January 13, 2012. Instead she grew her wings and was born into Heaven on Wednesday, Dec. 28, 2011.

On Christmas day, she moved into my birth canal, and her cord was too short to allow her to be born alive. She died that night. It wrapped tightly around her sweet, sweet neck.

It was the last time I felt her move, and I wish with everything in me that I could go back to that day. That day I lost my baby girl. And I had no idea, until 3 days later, when at our doctor visit we were sent to the hospital, and told she was not alive any longer. I don’t know what color her eyes were, or what her laugh would have sounded like, or how her little teeth would eventually grow in, but what touched my heart was the PEACE she oozed.

I will never be the same, and I miss her every day, probably MORE every day, and I wonder HOW to be a mom to a baby in Heaven. It makes no sense … I have never felt such love as I do for my girls, (my living daughter, Scarlet, was 15 months old when we lost her baby sister) and not an hour goes by that I don’t wonder why, and picture her in my mind’s eyes, with little blonde curls and pink sneakers and those giggles…

I look forward to the day when we will all be together. That gets me through this life.

We will hold them again, we just have to wait.

Thank you for reading about my girl, and thank you for inviting me to share her with you. Without communities like you, I’m not sure where we would be. Thank you…

Love, Fiona and Julie.

You can contact Julie at julz2078@gmail.com.

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  1. I am so so so sorry for your loss and thank you so much for sharing. It is an awful club we belong to but knowing others are part if it is comforting and makes you feel a little less lonely. I too lost my baby boy at just over 38 weeks due to a cord accident two months ago today, and no matter how much I wish I could go back in time or over analyse everything it doesn’t change anything and that is just so hard to deal with. My thoughts are with you and your family. Karen xx

  2. Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. My son was stillborn on 9/12/00. I have said a prayer for you that God will comfort you and that you will hold your daughter one day in heaven.

  3. John Workman says:

    Hello, This post is actually for Fiona:
    Fiona, I have known you mother now for a very long time, and she means the world to me! I was so very priveleged to actually be at the hospital the day you came into this world, and entered Heaven. I remember seeing you for the very first time, and all I could think in my head is how absolutely beautiful you are! I remember your adorable little feet, and your beautiful face! I really look forward to meeting you, and talking to you one day! I have to tell you something now tho… There is this fear that I think your mother has… and that fear is, that you might be forgotten (for lack of better words) since your not here on this world with us; But I want you tell you one thing that I know for sure!!! I will never forget you! I remember every detail of you, like I saw you yesterday. I know I do not have to tell you this, because you already know, But you are so very loved, by so many people, It actually blows my mind just to think how much! I adore your mother because she is an amazing person, and someone that you can truly be proud of, and look up too… even in Heaven. I know you are truly happy in Heaven with God, and that really helps me sleep at night, But please always know how much we miss you too!!! P.S. Your sister Scarlet is cute as a button too! I know someday you will be the best of friends. Love you Fiona!!!

  4. Jen Wash says:

    My deepest sympathy. I was preganant with my first child. I had gone to all the baby showers for all the new stuff. I was 38 weeks and was ready. One night I did not feel my baby move. I went to the hospital and no heartbeat. I had my son Drew Michael and there was a knot in the cord. I am a nurse at a busy hospital. I never susupected a cord accident. When I returned back to work, not everyone knew. they would ask “how’ your baby?” I would sometimes tell someone fine or bads new my baby passed away and see the look on their face and then I felt like I had to comfort them. It sucked. He was born April 24, 2005. I had a boy, then a girl the years following. I really took his death hard. I describe it as “It just killed me.” I did survive, but It’s still hard sometimes. I’m glad I found this website. I do think no one can understand unless you’ve been through it. It can be a lonely road to tow sometimes. I’m wishing you you the best in your journey. I think it’s harder on the living.

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