Mom to Samuel Joseph

February 21, 2012

Philadelphia, PA

I don’t think I need to tell anyone how exciting the moment you find out you are pregnant is.  You immediately begin planning your child’s life, what the nursery will look like, where he will grow up, what kind of parent you will be.  You find complete joy in sharing the news with family and friends.  You start shopping for cute little outfits, toys and books.  You immediately feel a kind of love you have never felt before.  You worry about your child every day.  Is he safe and sound in his little cocoon?  Are you doing everything you can do to protect him?  You count the days until you are through the first trimester.  You breathe a sigh of relief when you make it past that point and your chance of losing your precious little one drops to 1%.  Never in a million years did I think we would be that statistic, that 1%.  I was busy blissfully enjoying every moment of my pregnancy, every little movement and kick I was feeling, every little inch my belly would grow.

What should have been filed under best moments of my life, “Pink or Blue Day” also known as the 20 week anatomy scan will now be filed under absolute worst moment.  We only spent a few minutes with the ultrasound tech before she made up an excuse to leave the room.  What was probably only a few minutes felt like a lifetime before the doctor entered the room.  It’s all a blur looking back on it, but he put the wand back on my belly and continued to look at the screen while asking a lot of questions, then putting down the wand I heard the words I will never forget, “There’s no easy way to tell you this, but your baby does not have a heartbeat”.  Surprisingly, I remained calm, I did not cry.  I listened to everything he said and was even able to ask questions.  The baby was measuring 20 weeks on the spot, everything looked okay with the exception of one very important thing, a heartbeat.  Two weeks earlier I had heard the sweet thump thump on the doppler at my regular ob appointment.  How could there just be nothing now?

Decisions needed to be made.  We could either choose to deliver the baby which could take anywhere from 12 -36 hours  of labor and delivery or have a surgical procedure called D&E which would only take 30 minutes under anesthesia.  I couldn’t bear the thought of delivering my baby only to never bring him home with us so I opted for surgery.  In hindsight and after reading many stories of other women’s losses I question myself and my decision.  Did I let my little one down?  I will never hold my sweet baby.  I will never know if he had my little nose and my husband’s cute dimple like I’ve dreamed of.  My only memories will be the feelings I felt during my pregnancy, the sweet sound of his heartbeat and the precious few flips and kicks I felt in the days before he left us.  I’ve come to accept this guilt as part of the grieving process.

Everything doesn’t happen for a reason, sometimes it just happens.  Even though I thought we would have to wait 3 more weeks for the genetic testing results to come back I was surprised to hear they were back when I called to check in with the doctor’s office yesterday.  The tests showed that there were not any genetic abnormalities, which is a very good thing.  It is comforting to know that our baby did not carry a genetic disorder.  So, we are left with the genetic tests coming back showing no issues and also pathology came back clear.  This means we will never have a medical reason for why our sweet baby had to leave us.  I think I’m ok with that because no reason anyone could ever give me would make it any better.  As far as we can tell there is no reason we should have to go through this again.  That does not mean that lightening can’t strike twice, but I will continue to hope and pray that it does not.

What we do know now is something we already knew in our hearts; our sweet angel is a little boy.

Sweet Baby Sam – Mommy loves you very much.  I think about you all the time and miss you very much.  One day we’ll meet again and I’ll make up for all the kisses I wasn’t able to give you here on Earth.


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  1. Amber
    There are no words I could say that can offer any comfort. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. I lost my little Kinslee just days after you lost your baby Sam. There are 0 words you can use to describe the pain and heartache. I pray for you and your husband for the future and I hope you get your rainbow baby! Many thought and prayers your way!

  2. The exact same thing happened to my husband and I on the exact same day. We went for our routine ultrasound to find out boy or girl and were told no heartbeat. I opted to deliver. We also had a precious baby boy, Dalton Michael. We also were told that all test results came back good and that there is no medical reason as to why his heart stopped. If you ever want to talk about our angel baby boys email me at or find me through my blog at

  3. I lost my little girl at full term. I gave birth to her the day after my birthday on the 25th feb. Please dont feel guilty for deciding to have a D&E. I honestly belive that us mums in this crappy situation do the best we can with what we have been delt. Your lil boy understands this and he loves you no matter what. I understand feeling guilt because i have this to relating to my lil girl, but dont ever forget that your situation is your own and your decison was the best you could do at that time, your still a fantastic mother and you lil boy knows that!. I dont know if this helps you, but a mother on this site posted on my page that her lil boy and mine are probably úp there’ somewhere playing and dancing together, and i think you lil boy is up there too!! If you want to talk to me ever check out my story my email is on my page .

  4. I just came across this site today. My husband and I lost our baby boy Daniel last month and also had the pain of finding out at our routine fetal anatomy ultrasound. I was 19 weeks, 2 days pregnant. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing with the loss of Sam. I want to thank you for sharing your story, as it brought me some comfort today to read about your love for your little boy on here and your blog.

    I have also struggled with some regret/guilt of opting for a D&E, but I know we made the right decision and we will get to meet our sons someday. (I am currently reading Heaven is for Real, which has been comforting to help me to visualize meeting my baby boy when I leave this Earth) Still waiting on our genetic tests…but so far everything else has come back normal. It is really hard to have faith and trust now, but I believe that God has great plans for us and we will eventually have babies to love here on Earth. We are mothers to beautiful little angels who are watching over us always! Wishing you strength and peace.

  5. I just read your story. This almost exact situation happened to us exactly a week ago. I keep flashing back to being in the ultrasound room for our gender ultrasound at 18 weeks with my husband and the smile on his face as he thought he saw what would mean we were having another boy, but the sinking feeling in my heart as I realized the growing silence in the room as the ultrasound tech couldn’t find our baby’s heartbeat. When she left to go to get the doctor I had to tell my husband that I thought our baby had died. The look of shock on his face will be with me forever. Then the doctor having to come in to confirm our worst nightmare. The rest of that day was just one horrific event after another.

    I also struggled with the decision to have the d&e done or be induced. I tortured myself with details I googled and deciding if I was a bad mother because I couldn’t imagine going through the labor and not having a baby to take home in the end. There came a moment when I just felt peace. I knew in that moment that my baby was gone. Regardless of what we decided to do our baby was already safely in the arms of our lord. We decided to have the D&E completed 2 days later.

    I do have guilt over not taking the chance to hold my baby. I have guilt over the fact that my physical symptoms following the procedure have been so mild. I have guilt about my fear about asking whether we had a boy or girl. But mostly I have a broken heart. I am just so incredibly sad about what could’ve been.

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