Mom to Hannah Grace

Due June 23, 2012
Went to Heaven December 19, 2011

Fresno, California

My husband and I always talked about having a baby together one day. We have been together for 7 years, married for almost 4 years. Each of us has a daughter from previous relationships so a baby would blend our families completely.  We had not been planning on getting pregnant but on October 8th I found out, I was pregnant. I was a day late and didn’t think it was even possible since we were using birth control. I decided to take a pregnancy test and it was positive. I took three more tests in amazement, all were positive. I told my husband, who at first was in shock himself. When we told the kids, they were so excited about the new addition to our family. I was beyond thrilled because at 38-years-old I didn’t know if I would get pregnant right away because I had already known that I suffered from hormone imbalance and low progesterone. I called my OB immediately and she placed me on progesterone supplements for the first 12 weeks for my pregnancy. I had morning sickness, fatigue and started to show right so it was hard to keep quiet for long.

At our first dating ultrasound, my husband and I were excited to see our little baby and when we saw the heartbeat, we were so happy. That is when we found out that we were 8 weeks 5 days pregnant and even though our due date changed by a week there was nothing to be concerned about. All my lab work came back normal as well. Thanksgiving came and went and we had just taken our family Christmas card photo to announce to everyone that we were expecting. At my next OB appointment, I thought it would just be a routine 12-week appointment. They would try to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler or do an ultrasound and then I’d go to work, so I decided to go by myself. Little did I know that my entire life would change that day. The nurse practitioner could not find the baby’s heartbeat so she went to look for it on an ultrasound machine and still could not find one. I stopped breathing for a minute and fear started to creep in. I prayed to God that she was wrong. She immediately sent me to an imaging facility to get a complete ultrasound done.  I still had hope because I know God is the God of miracles and He could save my baby and that the NP was wrong. I left the office in tears, called my husband to let him know I needed him. I let my closest friends know to start praying because maybe there was still room here for a miracle.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity for the ultrasound. The technician started and I was able to see the screen. I saw my beautiful baby and she looked perfect on the ultrasound but the technician was wonderful in her compassion and said she was so sorry but she was not able to see or hear the heartbeat. I laid there paralyzed and when I got up to get dressed and use the restroom, I broke down. I just wanted to scream at that moment and I could not believe it. The doctor’s office called me and I was told that my precious baby only grew to be 10 weeks 6 days and I should come back to the office with my husband to speak with the doctor about my options. We went back in that afternoon and my Dr. was wonderful she told us that since I was starting my 12th week I could have a D&C but we had time to wait if I wanted to do that and see if I miscarried naturally. I could not make that decision that day because I was numb and emotions were all over the place. I asked for blood work to check my HCG levels and a repeat ultrasound. I wanted to be sure that if I had a D&C that I would not live a life of regret or wonder if I made the right decision. I still felt pregnant and had all the symptoms, I did not even have spotting so it was very difficult for me to accept, when I believed God could still give me a miracle. I held on until I had all the information I needed to be at peace with getting a D&C. My Dr. agreed to whatever I wanted to do. I did my blood tests, 2 days apart, and a repeat ultrasound. My HCG dropped from 64,000 to 30,000 and the 2nd ultrasound, which included a vaginal ultrasound, confirmed the diagnosis. It was then that I received the peace to go ahead and schedule the D&C. I waited until December 19th because my daughters 8th birthday was 2 days prior and I did not want her to have the memory of losing the baby every time she thinks of her birthday. So I went along with the weekend for my daughter’s sake, knowing our sweet baby was gone and it was very hard.

The morning of December 19th was the hardest of my entire life. A repeat ultrasound was done just to make sure nothing changed. The morning of the 19th  I had already started spotting so I knew for sure that our baby was gone. I asked my Dr. to please have genetic testing done so that we could know why this happened. She also agreed to give me the time off, I needed to grieve. The week after my miscarriage was devastating especially with Christmas right around the corner. I decided to honor our baby by putting an ornament on the tree. Right after Christmas, we found out through genetic testing that our baby is a girl and that she had an extra #22 chromosome, which meant it was impossible for her to have survived. I was referred to genetic counselor and after going over our health history, we were told the likelihood of another occurrence like this was less than 2%. This gave me that peace that nothing I did caused this. I know that we have a daughter that is now in heaven with Jesus helped us to give her a name. Her name is Hannah Grace, which means grace grace. I needed grace and it is a perfect name for our sweet angel baby girl.

It’s been 2 months since the miscarriage and every day I miss her. I had hopes of trying again but recently my husband has expressed not wanting to try again. So I’m still grieving the loss of Hannah and possibly the chance at having another baby in the future so it has been terribly hard on me emotionally. Every day is journey of faith and I am placing my trust in God that has the ability to heal every heart and one day I know, we will hold Hannah Grace in heaven. Right now I’m trying to be grateful for all my moments with my 8 year old daughter and my step daughter and perhaps with time be blessed and God willing there will be another baby in our future. I will hold Hannah Grace forever in my heart!

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  1. Kathy Edelen says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I had a miscarriage last May at 11 weeks. It was an unplanned pregnancy so I thought I would get over the pain. Truth is, I’ll never get over the pain. I was 36 at the time and my husband was 46. We decided that we could never go through pain like that again and he had a vasectomy. It is hard knowing there will never be life in my womb again. May you keep finding joy in the daughters you have and keep the hope that you will have another child someday. My heart goes out to you and your family.

  2. January Carpenter says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. So very sorry for your loss! I too suffered a missed miscarriage a little over 2 months ago to a little boy, Steele. Similar story to yours and I know the heartache you are going thru. My thoughts & prayers go out to you!

    • Angelic Cloud says:

      Thanks you for posting a comment about my story. I am so sorry you had to experience a similar loss. I hope that you are being surrounded by lots of loving people in your life to help you through the grieving process. All we can do is take it one day at a time and know that our precious babies, Steele and my Hannah are in Jesus arms in heaven and one day we will see them again. I am holding you up in prayer!

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