Mom to Ava Nicole

Lost at 18.5 weeks on November 21, 2011

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

The beginning of August I started to wonder if the way I was feeling was due to being pregnant.  I took a few home pregnancy tests which at first I thought were coming back negative, but then I noticed the 2nd line was coming through very faintly.  I scheduled a Dr’s appointment where it was confirmed that yes, I was DEFINITELY pregnant!!!  This was not planned, but I soon embraced it and couldn’t be happier thinking about being a mother to a loving child.  I’ll admit, being that this was going to be my first child, I was terrified that I was going to fail at motherhood… that I wouldn’t live up to the expectations I had for myself when it came to being a mom!  The pregnancy was uneventful other than the fact that it left me with no appetite whatsoever for the first 3 months.  As I saw the 12 week mark approaching I was so excited because I knew I would probably start feeling better physically, and that I would be “safe” from miscarriage (so I thought).  Every Dr’s appointment went flawlessly.  Suddenly at 18 weeks I started feeling some pain.  I did not think anything of it… I attributed it to stretching and growing.  I googled it… everyone said “it’s normal”.  The pain kept getting worse and stronger.  It was a weekend.  I didn’t want to freak out over nothing so I figured I’d wait and just go into the Dr. first thing monday morning.  I went to work both saturday night and sunday night… but after I got off work sunday night, I knew something was wrong.  I went to the ER still not thinking anything TOO terrible was going on.  After an ultrasound, they confirmed that I was in labor.  My cervix was opening, and my water sac was already hanging out.  I still had hope that they could stop this process.  Before I knew it, my water broke and I knew at this point, there was no longer any hope.  It was a long and miserable day.  I spent the majority of the day knowing what the end result was going to be, but reality had not set in.  It was not until about 6pm til it all hit me and the emotions began to flow.  Ava Nicole was delivered at 7:29pm on 11/21/11.  She weighed 10.2 ounces and measured 11 inches long.  I still can’t believe she is gone.  Everyone around me seems to be pregnant these days, and the constant reminder breaks my heart every day. I just found out my best friend is 9 weeks pregnant, and I feel so guilty that I can’t share with her the excitement and happiness she is experiencing.   She was such a beautiful little angel.  She will be forever in my heart.

Lindsay can be contacted at

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  1. Lindsay,
    Sending much love and wishing you peace in knowing you will hold your sweet baby girl someday in the afterlife <3

  2. I know this feeling all too well.
    It’s so hard to see newborns or be around pregnant women now. Especially since I just passed my due date on the 5th. Lost my 18 weeker in sept.

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