Mom to Alexys Annajoy

Still born November 8, 2011

Springfield, Missouri

I knew at a young age that I would not have children and those fears were confirmed in the fall of 2008. I was in and out of the hospital several times for abdominal pain and the doctors couldn’t figure out the reason for it. It was a couple of weeks after the pain started when I was diagnosed with insulin resistant Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). The doctor told me my chances of getting pregnant were slim to none. His exacts words were “You cannot get pregnant without help.” The news wasn’t as devastating because I knew this already from my lack of periods as a teenager.

I accepted what the doctor told me and was ok with it. I poured all my mothering instincts into my four-legged babies.  In July of 2010 I went get another dose of bad news.  I woke one morning to severe pain in my lower stomach. I screamed and it took hours before I could get up and take a shower. I had some pain meds from a bout with my PCOS and took a couple before heading off to work.  Once my shift ended I was in bad shape and went straight to the ER. The pain was awful and all I could do was cry. I was there for 8 hours and they told me I had Pelvis Inflammatory Disease (PID).  My entire inside female parts were infected and swollen.  When I got home and did some research I learned that PID can cause scarring of the uterus and fallopian tubes. My chances of a baby dropped even further, but I was still ok with it.

In October 2010 I met a wonderful man. He instantly captured my heart and for the next four months we became even closer.  My last period ended on December 25, 2010. It was a week or so after Valentine’s Day that I discovered some bleeding. I thought that it was simply my period trying to kick-start itself and went on.  On March 4 I had been sick for three days with the flu. I was so congested and running a fever that all I could do was lay in bed with a box of tissues. I remember looking around on the internet and stumbling across a site that says your temperature can become higher when you’re pregnant so off I went to the store. When I got back home I took the test and the two pinks lines appeared almost immediately. I was terrified. My whole body was shaking and I couldn’t think of what to do, but I had to do something. I called my mom. She answered the phone and was talking about something I wasn’t even listening too. As soon as she stopped all I could say was “Mom, I am pregnant.” She started screaming and crying and had enough excitement for both of us.  I called Brian and told him he needed to come over after work so we could talk. I think he was in shock when he heard the news. I stayed at his house that night and went to Planned Parenthood the next day and had it confirmed. I was 4 weeks pregnant.

I was surprised to find that I had the easiest pregnancy in the world. I didn’t have morning sickness and never had any bleeding. The months seemed to crawl at the time even though now, I feel like it was a lifetime ago that I was pregnant. I can’t remember the exact date I felt her first kick. I just remember it happening in the morning before going to one of our doctor appointments. I felt it and m first thought was “What the hell was that?” From that first nudge the terror I had felt since those first pink lines faded into love. I knew I would protect and care for this baby even if it meant trading my own life. We had our gender ultrasound at 22 weeks where we found out I was having a little girl. I couldn’t stop crying I was so excited. We had never agreed on a name until we knew it was a girl. After the ultrasound my mom asked what her name was and we both said Alexys, after Brian’s middle name Alexander.  Her middle name took some time but we came up with Annajoy. We had Anna after a friend that had passed away and Joy after my mother and grandmother.  At our next doctor’s appointment we learned that I had placenta previa. It is where the placenta sits at the bottom instead of the top of the uterus.  The doctor wasn’t concerned and said we would have another ultrasound in a month or so.

It was around my 28th week that we went to the next ultrasound. The pictures weren’t as good and my placenta had moved out of the way. What I remember from this ultrasound were her chubby little toes digging into my bladder. I also remember watching her heart beat away and then the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in the amniotic fluid. I was one proud momma. 

The rest of the pregnancy was uneventful. I moved in with Brian a couple of weeks before the due date. He had a fear of me going into labor and not being there.  I was still working at this time. I planned to all the way to the moment I was in labor. It was a few days before my due date when I got sick again. I spent the most of Friday and Saturday sleeping and don’t remember much. That Sunday I was feeling slightly better but still slept most of the day. On Monday I woke up at 10:30 am.  It was around noon that I started feeling contractions. They were not the “OMG, I think I am going to die!!” contractions.  So I laid in bed and watched Brian mess around while I played on my laptop.  It was around 4:00 pm when I realized I hadn’t felt her normal kicks. I knew she was running out of room so I didn’t worry too much. We decided to go to the ER just to make sure. We both took showers and I did a load of laundry because I thought she was just sleeping. I had been sick and thought she was just feeling the effects of it.  We got to the doctor at 7:00pm and taken back to the check in room. They hooked me up to the contraction machine and then went to hook up to hear the baby’s heartbeat. There was no sound. I became terrified and closed my eyes praying. The nurse said that maybe she was in a funny position so they tried the small ultrasound. Then they ordered the bigger one. I knew I had lost her. But I still clung to the hope that my baby was ok. I could tell by the grim looks of the nurse and ultrasound tech that something was really wrong. Once he pulled the machine out the nurse took my hand and just said “I’m so sorry.”  I was in shock. The next hours were a blur as they induced me and I went into active labor. My baby girl was born on her due date of November 8, 2011 at 2:19pm. She was 19 inches long and weighed 6 lbs 6 ozs and had a full head of hair.

My heart aches everyday for the baby I was supposed to have. She was my little miracle and has changed me into something I didn’t think I would ever be, a Mom.

You can contact Alliena at

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  1. Alliena, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Alexys. My son, Josiah, was stillborn on 9/12/00. I have said a prayer for you that God would give you His comfort and that you would hold your daughter in heaven one day.

  2. I know that your heart will hurt forever but I am sure that one day you have Alexys placed into your arms. When you are ready let me know and I will bring you the copy of the poem I wrote intitled “STAR ALEXYS”
    See you at work.

  3. Alliena,
    Thank you for sharing your story. May peace and love your heart and relieve your pain. <3

  4. Alliena,
    I’m so sorry that you lost your beautiful daughter. Thank you so much for sharing your story. My daughter was also stillborn, and as with you, it had been a completely unexpected pregnancy. But – also like you – as soon as I felt her moving, I knew I loved her and wanted her. Neither my boyfriend (now my husband) nor I had ever expected to have kids, and just when we realized how blessed we were to become parents, Lauren was taken from us. I’m so sorry that you are having to suffer through this too. Blessings to you and Brian.

  5. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My sister had a stillborn almost one year ago and I just experienced neonatal death with my second child 2 months ago. The feeling of loss for a baby is indescribable. You are expecting life, instead you get death. It is horrifying. I will pray for your strength as you grieve the loss of your precious gift.

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