Kathi

Elkton, MD

So here it goes, I’m ready to break the silence on something that is so common yet, so many women keep it inside and to themselves. And I need to do this, more for myself, and my husband, then for anyone else. I’ve told this story, I feel like a thousand times, already. But getting it here, will help put all those thoughts an emotions into some sort of sense. I do understand why so many women keep it inside. All the feelings of loss, hurt, anger, confusion, pain, and just being lost. I can’t deny myself those feelings, it’s grief. Like any other normal grieving process. It’s something you have to go through. And, simply put, it sucks. But with each new day, it gets better. That doesn’t mean I’ll forget about it, or it doesn’t matter to me anymore; but, just like any other loss, each day becomes a little easier.
Now, I have so many questions. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Why did my body fail me? What could I have done to prevent this? Why does it feel like God was being so cruel? And, I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that non of these questions will ever be answered. And that hurts just as much as going through it all.
So, here is my story:
Secretly I always knew I wanted to be a mother. But when I got to college, I decided that maybe having children was not my thing. I met a great guy, fell in love, and got married after college. The discussion of children had come up many times, especially since we made the decision to get married. I always told my husband, I didn’t want children. And I started to believe that. I also started to believe that I was so selfish I didn’t deserve to have children. I loved our little family. Just me, my husband, and our dog. We were happy and content. But Tim tells me all the time he knew that I would one day change my mind on having children. And deep down inside, I knew he was right. As time continued on and our 4 year anniversary was coming up, we made the ultimate decision for me to drop the pill and take the plunge and leave it all in Gods hands. As the months continued on and my Facebook page became flooded with a new announcement everyday about another friends pregnancy announcement, it become more and more frustrating. So We took trying to the next level and I started tempting and charting and doing Ovulation tests. We also tried to make sure Tim was home during the best times…. and the months just continued on. It was hard to accept, but I finally came to a point where I figured God was teaching us patience, and that when the time was right, God would bless us and fulfill our dreams. And I threw my hands up and I said, “God, fine, I leave this all up to you, This is in your hands and I just cannot handle this anymore.”
And finally, after eight long months, There it was, right in my face. So faint I had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. It was February 14, Valentines Day. It was a little early to be testing, but Tim was leaving to go on travel the next day so I figured I would just get the early urge to test out now. I took out a few more tests, watched them slowly turn into two lines. So I freaked out, grabbed the last FRER test and the last digital test I had. And there it was, there was no mistaking that digital when the word “Pregnant” appeared. At that moment, so many floods of emotions came pouring through. I was so happy, excited, scared, but thrilled that God would have finally blessed us. I was so excited, but Tim was at work during the day. So, I decided to get myself ready for the day, and I headed out to the stores. I went and picked up a cute little 6 month old Phillies t-shirt. And a Book for dad. I stopped and got some things to wrap everything up and I thought I’d just set it out on the counter for him as a Valentine’s day gift for him when he got home. So finally, he rolled through the door, I was so excited to share the news, but I kept myself composed as Tim said, “What another gift”, (We usually celebrate Valentine’s day the day before), and I said “yep, go ahead and bring it here and open it!” So, he made his way to the couch where he proceeded to open it and I put it all in an order. First was the Phillies T, Tim thought it was for our dog Winston, I laughed and so no, then he opened the book, and I saw the smile on his face grow. The finally, he opened the last gift. I had wrapped up the digital test, he opened and could believe his eyes either. We were both so happy and excited and thrilled and we hugged and we cried. We were just so thankful.
As the week went on we thought about names and dreamed of how to set up the one bedroom for a nursery. We thought about how and when to share this exciting news with our families. Then two moved onto the second week, We had made the decision to tell our parents on February 27, We were heading back to NJ to celebrate my birthday and knew we would be getting together with all of our parents. So Tim and I headed out to NJ with so much excitement. Sunday came, we went to church, then we went to pick up a cake for my birthday. We decided that would be how we would tell our parents. So, we had them write the words, “We are Pregnant!” on the cake instead of Happy Birthday. Everything went so perfect, our parents were so excited. Then my dad and step-mom finally were able to meet up with us and his birthday happens to be March 1st, So I handed him a Happy Birthday Grandpa card. The day continued on and we were so happy and excited. There was no sings of anything going wrong. And then at the end of dinner, I went to the bathroom. I saw red, and at that moment I my heart sank and I just knew that something was wrong, despite that fact that spotting and some bleeding my be normal in early pregnancy. I came out, and told Tim, he googled and said he believed everything was fine. But I just knew. I hated those moments while my family was trying to finish up dinner while I just sat and waited to leave so I could call the doctor. It felt like days that just dragged. Finally, we got into the car and I was able to make the call and leave a message for the on-call doctor. Then we had to drive to my grandparents house, (we had told them earlier we would stop by after we finished up dinner with my dad). And once we got there, the on-call doctor called back. Explained that it could be a number of things and tried to help me calm down. And she advised it would be best for Tim and I to drive back down to DE to the hospital and go into the OB triage. So, once again, We had to excuses ourselves from my grandparents house, ( they didn’t know yet). So finally, we got into the car headed to Tim’s parents to grab some of our things and to asked if the dog could stay with them. Explained what was going on. And then the longest 2 hours of my life were on that drive back down towards home on our way to the hospital. I just kept praying, and telling God that I trusted in Him, hoping and praying that everything was alright with our baby.
We finally arrived, and then started the next longest 4 hours of our life. Filling out paper work, getting admitted, waiting for a room to open up. And then just sitting in the room waiting for the nurses and doctor to come in. At this point it was about 1:30am on Monday, February 28th, (which happens to be my birthday). They had drawn blood, and the doctor came in. She did an internal ultra-sound. And took some measurements. Then I was asked to go to the bathroom because she couldn’t see much, as my bladder was too full. So I went and came back and she went back to the ultra-sound. Then she finally said to us, in such a nonchalant way, “Ok, let me show you what I see” and turned the screen towards Tim and I. Again, so many emotions ran though me and my first thought was, We get to see a glimpse of our baby. And then she began to explain to us what she saw. I as she moved the ultra-sound wand around, I knew too that I wasn’t seeing what I should be seeing if I was 5.5 weeks along. She showed us the increased lining in the uterus, But that’s it. She went onto explain that she only saw a very small space filled with fluid, but not even the sack that the baby should be in. Never in my life, have I had the feeling I did in these moments. She continued on by explaining that my tubes and ovaries look clear, but yet could not rule out an ectopic pregnancy as of yet. Then the words no pregnant women ever wants to hear, This is a miscarriage. I lost it, my heart sank, my mind filled with the memories of the last 2 weeks. Our parents who, less than 24 hours ago found out they were going to become grandparents, I felt so bad. So mad. So lost and so confused… They day continued on, the pain got worse, both physically and emotionally. Then Tuesday came, then Wednesday, I had to go in for more blood work. It was terrible. The lab techs thought it was for a good thing and were asking me all about it. I simply said, this is a miscarriage. And then they said, “oh, I’m so sorry”. I went numb, then I was called back, and I tried so hard to compose myself. Tim and I then left.
I had never felt so alone as I did on Wednesday. I had no actual doctors office yet since I was still searching since we had moved down here to MD, and I had not yet been see by the office I was going to, and I knew that were not accepting new gynecology patients. So I called the office, I asked so many questions. Thankfully, they were so nice on the phone and so caring. Answered all my questions and were so patient. I called again on Thursday to get the results of the blood work and spoke to the nurse who would have been my nurse practitioner. Again, she was so wonderful on the phone with me and explained everything to me. Told me that I was considered an established patient so if I ever wanted to schedule an appointment to talk with her or the doctor I could. She explained it was not an ectopic pregnancy and that my body seemed to be taking care of everything naturally. No D&C needed. Thankfully. And that I had to go for one more round of blood work next week on Tuesday. To make sure my HCG is below a 5. (Monday morning it was at 58, which is low, and Wednesday it was at 10. the level needs to be below 5 to be considered no longer pregnant.). And we were given the green light to start trying again in the next cycle, if we were ready. I’m not fully sure yet where Tim and I stand on this quiet yet, as this is still all so raw. But it was nice to know that.
Like I said in the beginning of all this. Every day gets better, and I am truly ok. I will never forgot this child. I will always love it, and time will heal the loss. I admit, sometimes I feel silly for some of my feelings because it was an early miscarriage. We never got to see our little one or hear a heartbeat. But, I will not deny the feelings of loss that I feel. This was my first pregnancy, my first loss. This is something I wish no woman would have to go through. They way your told growing up how easy it is to get pregnant from having sex, makes it so frustrating. But I know, that this is just part of our story, and that God has a reason. I know that God still loves us, and one day, hopefully, He will bless Tim and I with a beautiful wonderful healthy child to love and raise. We just have to learn, to become patience and trust in Him, which I will admit, is not easy. But I do know that His timing is perfect timing.
Thank you, for listening to my voice, my story.
To this day we are still dealing with Infertility and still waiting on our miracle.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Comments

  1. I have been SO blessed yet sadded by reading your story. My heart hurts for you. It does NOT matter when we lose our children it still tears our heart apart. It would be awesome to keep in contact with you somehow cause I’m going to be praying and trusting God to bring you another sweet child to keep with you here on earth and see grow up.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss and for your struggle. I wish I had words to help but I know nothing I say can make it better. Know I am right there with you. It sucks but I know God has a plan.

  3. I am so sorry this happened to you! Pretty sure we went to the same hospital. I am in Newark, DE. If you ever want to reach out, I am here. We are all in this healing process together. BIG HUGS!

  4. Dear kathi, my heart aches for you. My husband and I have been going through a very similar time. We had been TTC for two years prior to seeing a fertility specialist this October. We met with our doctor on October 4th, had some preliminary studies, and decided to try a cycle of clomid. We were shocked, thrilled, terrified and excited to discover that I was pregnant on Novmeber 7th. I had blood work and then repeat blood work to confirm it and make sure the levels were rising. My 30th birthday was December 7 this year. We had our first prenatal appointment the week before and scheduled our first ultrasound for dec 7, as they had an opening and I had to work in the evening. What I thought would have been an amazing birthday gift, turned out to be an unforgettably awful day. The tech went to measure my ovaries first, and then started looking at the uterus. I knew the second the image flashed on the screen, there was no 8 wk embryo. It was empty, I felt empty, I felt my heart start to pound. The tech started zooming in and out, and said I was measuring at six weeks. I knew this was wrong, because of timing and dates. She then said, “I’m sorry, I see no 8 wk old baby. I see a yolk sac”. I started shaking and my husband immediately grabbed me. The doctor came in and gave us the news we already knew….the baby had stopped growing at six weeks. We were given options for treatment, and decided on misoprostol, a drug that induces bleeding. I didnt want to have a d and c, but the pain from this was horrendous. The past 12 days have been the worst of my life. I feel for you, and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  5. I went through the same thing almost identical. I will tell you waiting on his timing is the hardest thing I’ve ever done:) after my miscarriage it took 8 more months with medications to get pregnant. Now we have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter! I’m so sorry that ur going through this I will be praying for you :)

  6. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I also lost mine at 5 weeks after finding out I was pregnant on Mothers Day. It has been the worst pain imaginable, especially on my due date which happened recently. Don’t think its bad to feel the way you do because you had an early loss. Its still a loss no matter what. If you ever need to talk, please contact me. Hugs.

Show Your Support

*

© 2011 Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope | PO Box 26131 | Minneapolis, MN 55426 | Contact Us