Mommy to Beckett

April 7, 2010 – August 9, 2010

Louisville, CO

After having one boy and three girls and deciding that we were done having kids… I changed my mind in the summer of 2009.  I really wanted to try one more time for a boy; my son desperately wanted a brother.
 One of the happiest days of my life was the day we found out he was a boy… I believe there was screaming, yelling, clapping and even some crying of joy.  Beckett was born at 34 weeks on April 7, 2010 by a c-section because my placenta had abrupted.  He had a two-week stay in the NICU but came home perfect.  At my six-week postpartum appointment my doctor told me that we were lucky that he was alive.  Things were so bad and he had swallowed so much blood that he never should have lived.  We were blessed… we knew that.  Our family was perfect.  Everyone was so excited to have this amazing spirit in our home.  From day one, Beckett had a lot of “mommies.”  Three extra to be exact… they would all fight over feeding him, holding him, playing with him… everything.  He had one happy brother that constantly talked about doing things with him when he was older, teaching him how to play sports and sharing a room.  Beckett had a dad that loved him to pieces, that changed his mid-night diapers without a fuss and got be the first one every morning to see Beckett’s sweet smile.  And me, his mom, who loved him more than life, was so thankful to have another beautiful baby, found so much joy in holding him all day long… and never wanted to put him down.  Beckett was a hard baby, pretty fussy and temperamental BUT we LOVED him and wouldn’t have wanted him any other way.
 On August 9, 2010 my world came crashing down.  After laying my sweet boy down I went to check on him 15 minutes later only to find him blue.  I rushed to my neighbor’s house screaming… my neighbor immediately started CPR. Soon the EMTs were working on him and transferring him to the hospital.  My life completely stopped in that moment… I begged them not to stop trying to get him to breathe.  We found out weeks later that he died from SIDS… no answers really on what happened.  I followed all the SIDS risk reductions… and yet, here I sit, without my love. 
 I hate how this is my life.  I hate how my family isn’t together.  But I am learning… coping… and finding my “new normal.”  Whatever that “normal” may be… it will never be the same without my baby boy in it.    
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