Mom to Little One

Miscarried on April 28, 2010 at 12 weeks

Rochester, NY

After almost three years of trying to have a baby brother or sister for our son we went back to fertility doctor and started the process of artificial insemination.  Taking the meds and getting poked and prodded and of course the lack of physical intimacy in creating this child with my husband is a difficult process emotionally for both of us.  However after the success of AI with our first son we knew that it was just a fact of our lives that this was how we are to conceive.   In March of 2010 we got a positive result after two rounds.  I scheduled my first appointment and went in to get our ultrasound.  Watching this little “bean’s” heartbeat on the monitor was amazing.  Just thinking of all the possibilities for our future son or daughter was an experience that I loved and remembered fondly with my first pregnancy, and at that moment over filled my heart again.  I went home and shared the photos that were printed with my husband and son, and began sharing the news with my family and friends.In April we prepared for my 30th birthday, and had a wonderful party, where I proudly showed off my little baby bump.  That weekend at about 12 weeks along I had some dark spotting.  I called my doctors on call service and was assured it was common but for me to make an appointment on monday morning for an ultrasound.  It sounds weird now but I had a very bad feeling.  I think your body just knows, but your heart just doesn’t want to listen.  The tech started the ultrasound and I saw my little baby, with no heart beat.  She did not even have to say a word, I knew what I was seeing on that screen.  An instant stream of tears poured out of me.  I got dressed numbly, a few nurses hugged me and I went in to speak with the doctor.  Because my body had already started the processIi was sent home to miscarry on my own.  On Wednesday I woke to cramping and heavy bleeding and…then it was over.  Because of the bleeding I was taken by ambulance to the emergency room, but was soon released after another ultrasound showed the pregnancy had been expelled.

Having to explain what had happened was the hardest part.  Our friends and family were very supportive, and some shared their losses as well to help me know that I was not alone.  Telling people who might not have heard about the miscarriage weeks or even months after brought back all of that pain each time.  It has gotten easier but I will never forget.  In November,  I pause on his or her due date to just think and remember.

Over a year later, we have our baby’s ultrasound proudly displayed next to the picture of our first born, Easton and his baby brother Emerson, who was born healthy in Aug. of 2011.

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