Mom to her little one

D&C November 9th, 2011

Montclair, New Jersey

Our rollercoaster ride began almost immediately after our wedding in late June 2011.  That August, after having not gotten my period since two days after our wedding, I began to see medical professionals to find out why 1. I had not gotten my period and 2. I was feeling so tired, nauseous, and dizzy. I took lots of pregnancy tests and they all came out negative. In mid-September the symptoms had vanished and I got an ultrasound done that confirmed I had a cyst on my ovary and we were told it was unlikely I would be able to ovulate with it there. We were also told to wait a few weeks more and if I didn’t get a period that they would start me on a medication to induce my period to start. I began feeling all those symptoms again and took yet another pregnancy test just to check and it came out positive!  We were ecstatic!  It wasn’t in our plan but after all of this uncertainty it was a welcome, happy outcome.

Things went quickly downhill from there because after my first prenatal appointment where they ran blood tests we were told my progesterone was dangerously low. My midwife shared her theory that it was possible the egg released had been “old” and unviable since it had been waiting too long to take the journey in to the uterus so while it was successful in  being fertilized by the sperm, it had lost its ability to develop normally. The small sliver of hope was that if my progesterone could reach 10 at my next blood draw there may be a chance at this being a viable pregnancy. I’ve never prayed harder. Ever. It did reach 10 so I was put on prometrium and my levels continued to rise. At our first ultrasound the tech told us she would print a picture if she saw something. She didn’t but said maybe we were just too early. After my midwife got the results of the ultrasound she called to tell us that I had a blighted ovum and while I could go for another ultrasound in a week to confirm, they didn’t feel it was medically necessary. In that phone call I decided not to go for the ultrasound to spare myself the heartache because I already knew in my heart this was not going to be our take-home baby. Two and a half weeks went by and I didn’t miscarry naturally like I had hoped so I called to schedule a D&C. Unfortunately due to scheduling I was given these options: take an appointment in a few days at a doctor’s office but remain awake, go on a waiting list for that same day but at the hospital and hope an operating room opens up, or wait for a couple of weeks for an appointment and be put under anesthesia. I couldn’t bare the thought of waiting any longer so took the earlier appointment with the doctor. Going on a waiting list was not even an option in my mind.

On a sunny early-November morning we got to the doctor’s office and when the nurse looked over my paperwork.  She told us that while she didn’t want to give us false hope, she didn’t want to give me any Valium until the doctor arrived and could give me an ultrasound because my beta levels continued to rise and there was a small possibility this was a viable pregnancy. My husband and I were just so worn out by that point and still knew this was not our time but agreed to wait for the doctor. They performed the ultrasound and again we saw an empty sac just as we knew they would. The D&C was performed while I cried the whole time and couldn’t stop ruminating on the thought that they were taking my baby out of me. It was by far the most heartbreaking feeling I’ve ever had.

Once home, all my husband and I could do was cry and fall asleep in each other’s arms.  I am so fortunate to have him and could not ask for a more amazing partner to be with for the rest of my life.  Now that we have started the healing process we have begun to look forward and feel that while this was a horrible, wild rollercoaster ride we want to be parents now. We are ready to take on this role and begin this chapter of our lives together. We don’t know what the universe will throw at us next but we know that we are stronger as a couple and we will have our “happy day” some day when we become parents whether it be through my giving birth and/or through adoption.

Adoption side-note: I am adopted and have always dreamed of adopting a child.  I knew I found a keeper when dating my husband-to-be told me he wanted to adopt one day and I had not yet shared my own story with him. We would love our family to come together through adoption and see it as a definite in our future.

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  1. Lauren I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little one. I also had a miscarriage on 11/11/08. I have said a prayer for you that God would bring you comfort, that you would hold your little one in heaven one day, and that you would have the family that you so desire.

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