Kendra

Mom to Baby Miscarried March 5th, 2010

and beautiful baby boy, Parker Wayne

May 21st, 2011 – June 6th, 2011

Flat Rock, Illinois

My story starts on Feburary 20, 2010 my husband was gone on the road traveling for his job.  I had missed my period and knew that wasn’t normal for me.  I went to Wal Mart and bough a pregnancy test.  To my amazement it was positive I was excited and scared at the same time.  I told my hubby the next day and we both were so excited.   I called the doctor and made an appointment and told most of my famiy.  A week later I started spotting my I went to the ER and they checked me and said everything was fine but to consult with my doctor on Monday.  The next week my doctor kept checking my Quant number.  On Friday March 5 I got a call that the doctor wanted to see me right away.  I got there and they informed me that I had a miscarriage my heart dropped and asked them to get my mom.  The next day I went in for a D&C.  I was devistated how could something so special be taken.  On March 30th I got another call that changed my life my mother in law Rose was at the hospital with a bleed in the brain.  They transfered her to Carle Clinic in Champaign where she passed away.  I thought maybe God knew this would be to much stress on me and thats why this happened. 

On December 27, 2010 we got a amazing Christmas present I once again was late.  I woke up and took a pregnancy test it was positive.  I was so happy but so scared what would happen?  I went to work and at 8 I called my doctor to start the Progesterone supposotories and scheduled lab work.  Everything looked good, I tried so hard not to stress myself out, but deep down I was scared to death.  I can’t remember the date for sure but I think it was January 23 2011 I went to the bathroom and found I was spotting.  I called my aunt Sandy who was working at a local ER and told her I was on my way.  I called my husband Justin crying, scared as to what the outcome would be.  The ER doctor checked me out and everything looked good once again and forgot to check my Quat number so I called my OB nurse who was working and she had lab schedule a quat.  She called me the next day and told me the number was still rising which was good news.  I contintued to spot but my numbers kept rising, then a week or two later I quit spotting.  I was excited everything was going great I was feeling the baby move.  It was the greatest feeling in the world I had a human life inside me.  I did everything right I didn’t smoke, drink, do drugs, and watched what I ate and drank.  I didn’t start to buy any baby items till I was 18 weeks.  On May 6 2011 I went in for a ultrasound to determine what our baby would be.  We got great news it was a boy.  My husband Justin was estatic for he has 7 nieces in his family.  We had our name picked out that he would be Parker Wayne. 

On May 20 (25 weeks) I woke up wiping a bit of blood and mucas  I went to work and immediately called my doctor.  His response was to go to the OB dept and get checked for preterm labor.  I left work crying and called my husband that we needed to go to the OB dept.  They put Parker on the monitor and his heart was beating and he was kicking away.  He checked me I wasn’t having any contractions, wasn’t dialated, and wasn’t thinning.  He did a scab to check for preterm labor but wouldnt know for a few days what the result was.  I was left to return to work.  That evening I was having a gas pain so I called the ob and they told me I was checked and would be fine.  The next morning I woke up (5 a.m )to go potty and wiped a lot of blood I immediately yelled at my husband to get up we needed to go to the er.  I knew Parker was okay because I could feel him kicking.  I called a friend that worked in ob and told them what was going on and that I was on my way.  When I arrived I was already dilated.  They gave me medicine to try to stop contractions but before we know it I was a 3.  The doctor was there right away and calling Carle Clinic in Champaign– either I was getting flown out or they would deliver Parker and have him flown out.  The doctor came in to check me again and I was at 5.  The doctor went to make a call and came back stating the NICU flight team was on the way. 

I had Parker at 10:32 a.m. he was 2 pounds 1 oz and 15 inches long.  Everyone said he was a good size for his gestation. The NICU flight team brought him in for me to see at 11:30 ish but had to leave quickly to get him transfered.  My husband and my mom quickly got clothes and went to be with Parker.  I got a call about 2pm that he was doing good.  I was never so sad in my whole life so much had been taken from me and I couldn’t be there for him.  The next day I was released and couldn’t wait to get to him.  I cried when I first got there so many machines he was so tiny.  What had I done I thought to myself? They informed me that they gave him antibiotics due to him having a small infection but he was doing good.  They were feeding Parker my milk that I worked so hard to get.  If there was nothing else I could do I wanted to feed him.  Luckily my father had paid for us to stay in a hotel so we would be able to stay close to Parker.  I couldn’t wait to get up and go see him then it was hard to leave a night.  Usually stayed from 8 or 9 am to midnight.  It was a up and down fight he had more good days then bad.  He would be intubated then would be a nasal canula then would be on a Sypap machine.  Parker had a head ultrasound and it showed he had 2 level 2 bleeds in the brain.  I was devastated what did this mean?????  Then they listened to his heart and did a heart scan.  The doctor said he had a small murmur but it wasn’t affecting him and that it was fine.  A few days later he had another head ultrasound the doctor informed me that he had a small level 1 bleed in the brain on the left side but it was fine.  I was so excited he was doing good.  God was really looking after Parker.  The day they told me I could hold him was the best day.  I told my husband I was going to be the first to hold him then he could hold Parker the next day.  I remember getting upset everytime Parker would dsat I cried one day the nurse talked to me and said he was doing great and he was fine.  I finally started to let my guard down. God was looking over us and Parker was doing fine. 

On June 6 2011 my husband and I walked in to Parker’s incubator as I called it and he was crying.  The nurses informed me that they were going to give him some medicine to help his lung develop and reinated him.  I was scared but this had happened before, so I had faith.  I waited all day I knew something was up. Finally the doctor came in and told me he had a small hole in his bowel and they were going to do a procedure to try to drain it.  I had faith, please God look over us.  I went to pump and the nurse came in and told my husband that Parker was a sick little boy.  A nurse came to get us and his heart was still beating but they said he wasn’t going to make it.  This was not what I planned, my baby was doing so good what happened?  We whispered in his ear that we loved him and wanted him.  At 10:23 pm my Parker died. I was devastated I wanted him so bad, Justin wanted him so bad. 

I had just handed him to my mom then his little heart stopped beating.  Why god why?? What did I do?? The nurses took us to a room while they gave him a bath and dressed him for us to hold.  I held him and kept thinking wake up it’s a bad dream.  This isn’t Parker he is in the NICU doing good.  We held him for awhile before returning to our hotel.  It took all I could to leave him there.  What did I do wrong I blamed myself.  I shouldn’t be burying my little boy.  The next day I went home without my pride a joy.  Home to a house filled with baby items.   I wanted so bad to just break everything because I was mad. Mad at myself mad a god for not looking over my baby.   I was 25 years old I should not be picking out my resting spot. 

On June 9 2011 I gave my little boy to God.  I must admit it has taken everything I have to get out of bed in the morning, or to even put a smile on.  There are still days I am mad at who? Everyone I don’t know why I just am.  What did I do to deserve this? Why me? What did I do? In my eyes it was all my fault I did something to cause this.  To this day I still blame myself.  I blame myself for the stuff I had done in the past maybe it was my sins or maybe if I had gone to church more.  There are nights that I go and get Parker’s blanket that covered him and sleep with it.  I slept with his blanket everynight for the first month after he passed.    I cannot look at his picture without crying.  So many people have told me that maybe there was something wrong with Parker.  My response I don’t care I would have done anything in my power for him.  I have also been told that maybe god really wanted him I understand that but I wanted him more then anything.  Sometimes I know people think It’s been almost 3 months she needs to get over it.  Frankly I would like to tell them it’t not something to just get over.  August 30 had just passed and it was my due date.  Everytime I go to purchase something for Parker’s grave I think i’m 26 years old this is not what I should be doing. 

Kendra blogs at http://myangelparkercourtney.blogspot.com/

You can contact her at Kenziet2003@hotmail.com

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Comments

  1. I am so so sorry for your loss… I wish I could give you a hug. I will be praying for your broken heart… May you find peace…

  2. Kendra, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone and I will keep you in my prayers. ((Hugs))

  3. I am so sorry. Our daughter was born @ 27 weeks 2 pounds 15.5 inches. She was born 8/27/2010 and died 8/28/2010. It has been a year since her death and I ask the same questions over and over still. When we go to her grave I ask why I am going to my daughter’s grave this is not right. Her heart got soft and was not pumping oxygen to her brain anymore. I ask the same questions as you do. Again, I am so sorry for your loss!

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