Mom to Kylie Ann Shaffer

Grew Her Wings June 3rd, 2011 at 19 weeks

Reynoldsburg, Ohio

When I entered the hospital on June 2, 2011, I knew that our 19 week old daughter was no longer living. I knew that I had to enter the labor and delivery unit to deliver my baby and take nothing home.

It was a regularly scheduled appointment, I had no reason to think my daughter was not thriving as nature intended in my growing belly. When a heartbeat was not found, my doctor didn’t seem immediately concerned, I thought maybe she was hiding. We went to ultrasound, I saw my baby’s head right away and it was perfectly still. I knew right away that she was no longer with us, I sobbed, my husband sat confused wondering why I was so upset. The doctor took more time to examine her with the ultrasound and then said, “I am so sorry.” Finally my husband realized why I had been hysterical. We left the office in a mad dash out the doors. I went to my car and screamed, cried, and called my mom.

I entered the hospital the next morning, I was in a complete stage of shock, this wasn’t really happening to me. I labored for 16 very long hours, and then she slipped out….with just a turn to roll over to my side, she was there. The umbilical cord was wrapped very tightly two times around her left leg. A freak accident my doctor called it, 1 in 10,000 chance of this happening. Of course I was the 1 in 10,000. My husband and I held her in our arms, I wish it would have been longer now. My doctor sat with us on my bed and shared in my grief holding no emotions back. “This little girl has a purpose”, she said, “we don’t know what it is now but there is a reason she is here.” It was 3am now, two sleepless nights, an empty belly where my daughter was, chaplins visiting one after the other. With two folders, a box with a baby blanket that never even touched our daughter, two hospital bracelets and “inspirational quotes” on my lap, I was wheeled out of the hospital to my vehicle. No car seat in the back, no baby in my arms, no warm happy feelings. Just a box, anger and a silent car ride home.

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  1. I am sorry. I had my angel for 7 1/2 months we basically lived in hospitals and walking out of the hospital without her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done!

  2. This touched me, i went to find out the sex of my child at 18 weeks and just like you they thought he was hiding and sent me on back for an ultrasound, i remember looking up and seeing no movement, no heartbeat. I was in such disbelief that i went to another hospital for a second opinion. I labored for 29 hours and like you i knew it was for nothing, i wasnt taking him home. I just didnt have the heart to have the dnc, I’d worked too hard for this. <3 Im so sorry for you loss and i wish you the best of luck. Im currently pregnant and terrified everyday that i will lose my little girl. Every ultrasounds is terrifying but keep hope alive.

    • Congrats on the pregnancy. I hope that you are able to relax and enjoy it. You will hold your beautiful daughter in your arms and watch her grow up into an amazing woman, I can feel it! Best wishes to you and your family!

      • Im scared everyday, but i dont let it stop me from living, i just feel i have so much to lose. I pinch myself everyday. It makes me feel guilty because i want everyone to get the same happy ending im getting.

  3. I am sending my love to you and your family. I agree that the hardest part is leaving with nothing in your arms.

  4. I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Kylie. I found out that my baby had passed the same way, at a regular doctor’s appointment. She couldn’t find his heartbeat and I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound where it was confirm. I was admitted, my husband, parents and sisters came to the hospital, I was induced and gave birth 18 hours later. I was 21 weeks pregnant. It turned out that Jacob had amnipotic band syndrome which had affected his left leg. The cause of death was most likely a band that wrapped around the umbilical cord. We held him for a few hours then left empty-handed. It was horrible. Jacob was born on June 1, 2010, so it has been 15 months. The grief gets easier to bear, but it never goes away.

    Thinking of you.

  5. I was induced and delivered my son, Nathan, one day shy of 17 weeks due to a cord accident. We went in for a routine appointment, excited to be scheduling our “big” ultrasound to find out the sex. We found out he was gone during that appointment. I didn’t get a baby blanket, but like you, I was discharged with nothing that my baby touched. I don’t think there is a worse feeling than being rolled past the hospital nursery… knowing that you’re leaving the hospital empty handed.

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. I am the current leader of the friendship group in the Columbus area. We are actually having our very first meeting tonight!! If you are interested there are 2 other ladies plus myself attending. I will email you the details.

  7. I wanted to take the time and thank all of you for your replies. Your support means so much to me. This has been one of the worst experiences of my life. Everyday I wish she was here with us. As my due date (October 26, 2011) approaches it is getting more and more difficult to deal with the pain.

    I am so sorry for all of your losses as well. I know that our babies are playing together in Heaven right now, bringing us together to support and comfort one another.

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