Mom to an Angel

Miscarried through Ectopic Pregnancy on July 8th, 2011

Aurora, Colorado

I would be 15 weeks pregnant today.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.  I keep looking at my belly expecting to feel flutters, but I know that this will not happen.

I have previously been blessed with two fantastic pregnancies. Six years ago I had my first child.  My pregnancy was smooth with only one scare at 16 weeks and had forgotten to eat breakfast. (note to self: when blood sugar drops you will pass out).  She was one of the most perfect babies: content with everything, loved to play, ate well and slept even better.  I couldn’t wait to do this again!

When she a little over two, we decided that we were ready to stop “not” trying to have a baby  (which quickly turned into trying to have a baby).  After two years, I finally started to wonder,  “How could it have been so easy last time and now so hard?” Finally after two and half years, I went to the doctor.  After hearing my history of my irregular cycle, the doctor decided to start me on Clomid. I was so excited! In a month, we would have a chance to make my dreams come true! It was the first month that I felt anxious for my period to start. After 42 days (my cycles ran 38-44 days apart), I decided to take a test.  I couldn’t believe it when the answer came back PREGNANT!!!

This pregnancy was a little tougher.  Even though she remained healthy, we knew very early on that she was going to give us a run for our money.  I never knew a baby could be so active! The doctor nicknamed her “our firecracker;” (she was due the beginning of July).  Every doctor appointment when the doctor would place the Doppler to measure her heartbeat, she would quickly move. Instead of a heartbeat, we heard her kicking the microphone. Toward the last few visits, the doctor would just laugh because she knew what to expect.

Before our little one was born, my husband and I decided that we were going to stop at two.  After she was born, I had an I.U.D placed.  I figured this would buy us time until the doctor would agree to a permanent solution.   When she was six months old, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  It turns out that I most likely have had it for years, but the lack of sleep finally brought it to a breaking point.  This confirmed our decision. Physically, I would not be able to keep up with another infant – especially if we got blessed with another active, non-sleeping child 😉

After three months my I.U.D fell out.  No reason except my body did not like it.  I automatically started on the Nuva Ring.  I wanted to take the chance away of forgetting to take pill. I thought this was working until June 2011.  On the 28th, I finally started what I thought was my period.  I automatically knew something was off.  It was very light and just did not feel normal.  So I took a test.  I was so scared when it came back positive.  I quickly called the doctor who explained that the bleeding could be nothing but to come in first thing in the morning..  I was heartbroken.  I tried so hard to not become pregnant! By mid afternoon I started to relax.  I was going to take this pregnancy one day at a time.  I knew that if God thought I could handle another child then I could do it.  I continued to spot and cramp throughout the day, but it did not get worse, so I tried not to worry. But by six o’clock everything changed.  The cramping became severe, and I felt like crap.  A little before seven I suddenly felt a huge gush and then immediate relief from pain. I went into the bathroom and saw a massive blood clot.  After speaking to the doctor, she confirmed that she believed it was a miscarriage and to come in the morning to get checked out.

Thankfully, for moral support my best friend came with me.  After an ultrasound she confirmed that my uterus was mostly empty. After lots of hugs (and some blood work), they sent me home to deal with my loss.  It was a very long week with no break. Emotionally, I was doing better than I thought I would except for feeling  nauseous, having sore breasts, and not being able to keep my eyes open. I figured it would just take time before my body finally got a clue.

To be on the safe side, they had me come back the next week for another blood panel.  The doctor wanted to make sure my pregnancy hormones had started to go down.  I didn’t want to go to this appointment. I was so tired and my doctor was 40 minutes away in traffic. But my husband convinced me it would make me feel better.  I am so grateful that he had me do this.  July 7th was my daughters first birthday! I was ready for cake, presents and lots of spoiling.. I was not ready to get a call stating my pregnancy hormones almost doubled, and I needed to come in the next day for an ultrasound at the hospital.  The midwife explained that typically when this happens there is a risk of an ectopic pregnancy and asked me if I was in pain.  I explained I was cramping, but it was only a level two out of ten.  She then reassured me and told me that she wasn’t going to worry then but to be aware of my body just in case.

I went to work the morning of July 8th.  I was thrilled to be back at work.  It would be considered my “first” day back to work, and the first day our little one would be able to join me. (I work in a child care that does not accept children till 12 months). I felt great.  I was in no pain, I was not tired, and for the first time in two weeks, I was hungry!  Since I did not know how long my appointment would take, I arranged with a friend to take my children home with her, so they weren’t stuck at work past the needed time.  I planned on attending the doctor appointment by myself.  It was my husband’s first day back at work after vacation, my best friend had an important appointment, and I just wanted to get it over with.  Thankfully I was talked out of this, and another friend picked me up and took me. 

I didn’t realize how nervous I was until the appointment had started. I was shaking. It wasn’t even three minutes into my ultrasound that I noticed that something wasn’t right.  I tried to have the ultrasound technician tell me what she was looking at, but she couldn’t until she spoke to my doctor’s office.  I just started to cry.  I couldn’t stop thinking how I didn’t prepare for this appointment to go bad.  I was so determined that everything would go well that I didn’t even pack extra clothes for my children. I thank God that I have such good friends because they already had started a crisis plan before I even knew it.  My children may not have had extra clothes, but they had keys to my house and were able to get everything they needed and had my children settled and playing before I even called them.

After she was done, she had me sit down and informed me the doctor’s office would contact me and told me to wait.  This was the longest five minutes of my life.

Instead of the doctor contacting me, the technician called my name and pulled me out of the waiting room.  She said since they had spoken with my doctor’s office, so she was able to give me the results.  She explained that they were going to walk me over to the ER. The ultrasound had confirmed that I had a live ectopic pregnancy in my left fallopian tube; they would need to prepare me for surgery.

This was the hardest part. All I could hear was that there was a living being inside me that I couldn’t save.  I knew from my “Googling” experience that there is no chance for viability in a case of an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. I couldn’t call it a fetus though. It was a baby no matter how small or how healthy.  This baby had to be a fighter.  How could I not fight just as hard for him/her?

I was so scared.  Not only was I going to have to have surgery for the first time in my life, but it was an emergency.  I was so grateful when my husband walked through the door.  He just held my hand and did his best to keep a smile on my face.

Before they took me into surgery, the doctor came and explained what would happen.  They would use the laparoscopy procedure. Only three small incisions. Once they got in, they would remove all of my left fallopian tube.  She also gave me the option to clip and sterilize my right tube. This made me feel so much better. I knew that I would not want to risk something happening again, and instead of going through two procedures, I would be able to only go through one.

Once I understood the procedure more, I felt more comfortable. I started to panic again when they explained that I would have a breathing tube placed in once I was asleep. Thankfully, they started to give me drugs which made me drowsy, so the panic went fast.

My surgery went longer then they planned, but thankfully, no complications.  I did have a large amount of blood in my abdomen which would have been dangerous if they had not caught it when they did. After my surgery, the doctor brought me the form to “dispose” of the baby.  I didn’t think I could sign.  After the doctor reminded me that I did not have a choice but to do this surgery and that they would treat it with care, I did finally sign.

I decided not to stay at the hospital overnight.  I wanted to be home where I could rest and see my children faster.  That’s all that mattered to me.  We noticed, as I was being wheeled out, that it was exactly one year from the day I brought my little one home from the very same hospital.

I am healing physically, but I know mentally it will take time.  After spending the past few days hiding, I know I can’t hide forever. That is not fair to my family.  I do know that this baby, no matter how unplanned, is loved. And I will never forget him/her.

You can reach Hollie at hollietwilson@hotmail.com

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