Mom to Baby O # 1, 1997
Baby O # 2, 2002
Baby O # 3, 2003
and Joseph Anthony, 9/11/2010
Boonton, NJ

Since I was a young child I always wanted to be a mother.  Within a year of our marriage I was saying to my husband a saying I would say for five years until we had the funds to have one it was “Lets have a baby”.  I never dreamed that anything would ever go wrong and that it was pretty easy “to have a baby”.

After five years of marriage we started trying.  I got pregnant.  At 8 weeks I started spotting.  Called the doctor and he said you are probably miscarrying and rudely hung up the phone.  My heart was broken and my innocence.  I didnt let it go there I kept calling back and he finally said ok come in and we will see if we have a heart beat.  I went in and the ultra sound tech said good news there is a heart beat.  I went home happy again and relieved.  Thinking wow I am going to be a mother around my 25 th birthday.  I sent my husband out to get me mac and cheese and while he was gone all of a sudden I started hemorrhaging.  I lost the baby all alone waiting for mac and cheese.

Two months later we tried again and I ended up giving birth to my first born girl who is now 14.  Then soon afterwards wanted another child and had my now 12 year old.

Then I wanted a third baby.  It just didnt happen.  My usual very fertile self was not so fertile.  After  a year of trying all of a sudden I got pregnant with my son who is now 8.

Then I had a surprise pregnancy.  I was extremely happy even though it was a surprise.  That ended at my first visit with my doctor when she told me it was a blighted ovum.  I was stunned as this was a another new thing I experienced.  A what?  This set in motion trying to have another baby.  I got pregnant but didnt know it due to heavy spotting in which I thought was my period.  I went in for an x-ray and the doc said are you pregnant.  I said probably not since I had my period or so I thought but for some reason only known to God I said ahhh let me test anyway.  She gave me the test only for me to see that it was positive I almost fainted right there.  I went right to the doctor saying something is very wrong.  They dismissed me.  Then I started getting very sick.  I felt like I was dying.  I kept calling the doctor only to be told take an advil and call me tomorrow.  Finally my husband couldnt take it any more and yelled at every doctor in the practice saying if my wife says something is very wrong with her body you better believe her.  They then took me in for an ultrasound to find out that indeed I was dying due to an ectopic pregnancy that was making my body shut down and organ give in.  I had emergency surgery and had my tube burst in surgery.  I said that is it to my husband I am done!  I have three beautiful kids and that is good enough for me I have dealt with enough.

Later that year I had a surprise pregnancy and gave birth to my now two year old daughter.  She has been such a blessing and a joy and couldn’t imagine my life without her.  Her pregnancy though was extremely hard and i ended up losing  20 pounds from it.

Happy with my new baby I got the shock of my life I was pregnant again even though everything was being done to stop future pregnancies.  I felt wonderful with this pregnancy so I knew it was a boy.  At the same time I had a really bad feeling something was very wrong.  My mom would keep asking is the baby kicking I would say yes but not very often.  I didnt want to worry I was past the miscarriage time.  I just wanted to enjoy all that I was given a new baby  and an easy pregnancy.  One night I felt the baby kicking in almost a seizure sort of way and felt incredible pain in my back.  Chalked it up to pregnancy issues the typical stuff.  Plus I was going in for my 20th week ultrasound so then I would feel better when I got to see my little baby and have them confirm that indeed this was going to be a son.  I went for the ultrasound and still remember my husband walking through that door once again to see another ultrasound of another child of his.  I was thinking what a good dad coming still as excited as ever even though this would be his fifth.  I had my mom and children with me for what was going to be a time of seeing our new baby and finding out who was right on the sex.  This memory will be etched forever in my mind like it just happened one minute ago.  The ultrasound comes up and I immediately know my baby has died.  That lifeless body with his head that seemed to just hung.  How much he looked like my other kids but so very still and so very sad.   I knew oh I how I knew that he was gone.  The tech tells my kids and mom to leave.  She calls in the doctor who frantically waves the wand around and pushing the buttons and taking pictures.  And then her voice which is still etched in my head goes Ma’am you lost your baby.  I will leave now so you can be alone.  I was stunned I couldnt feel anything.  Shock filled my body.  After a few minutes they escorted me and my tearful family out the back door like “damaged goods”  Cant let them be seen by the other patients.  I then made my appointment to give birth to my son.  Waking early like I did with my other births, carrying my bags to leave for the hospital so familiar of my four births before but this time it was going to be so different and sad.  Even scary what would my son look like?  Labor was started and I soon gave birth to him unheard of by my doctor how fast it all went.  My husband and nurses took pictures.  They then said to me would you like to hold him?  I couldnt at first I was so afraid of seeing a child of mine gone and silent.  My husband held him first and cried.  I then got the courage up to hold my son.  He was beautiful and so fully formed.  My baby who would never get play with his siblings or see our home.  My baby who would of been my sons only brother among so many sisters.  Recently he asked does God hate me?  since he took away my only brother?    My baby was gone and it hurt.  I feel like I have changed as a person some say for the better some may say for the worse.   I look forward to the day that I can hold my babies in heaven.  I joke down here saying I am going to raise four kids here on earth only to start all over again in heaven raising four more.

You can contact Jenny at

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  1. I so identify with your story, and I’m so proud of you for finding the courage to hold your son! Just know that God’s plans are always to prosper us and not to harm us. Sometimes we just don’t understand. There is a beautiful song by Laura Story called “Blessings” – you might listen to it online, think it will really lift your spirits!

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