Mom to Ian Patrick

April 11, 2011

Aiken, SC

James and I have 2 beautiful children: Brycen and Haiden and we thought we were done……God had other plans for us and our family.  In Jan. 2011 I learned that I was expecting.  It was very difficult for me to grasp….I didn’t know how we were going to do it.  But when we went for our first appointment I was so excited to see a little baby.  He was about the size of a gummy bear but we could see his little heart beating on the screen, we were 8 weeks along.  Fast forward a month we went in for a normal appointment (11 weeks) and we heard a STRONG heartbeat.  James even recorded it on his cell and texted it to our family.  

As the days passed my morning sickness slowly got better (I was in the second trimester) and I began to show alittle.  So when we went in for yet another routine appointment (15weeks)on April 11th (just 4 days before his sister’s 1st birthday)  expecting to hear our sweet baby’s heartbeat galloping away we were devestated to find out that our baby had passed…… our world as we knew it was shattered! I remember thinking ‘ how is this possible we are in the 2nd trimester now….nothing bad ever happens in the 2nd trimester’  ….

We went in 2 days later to have a d&c, we struggled with this…as we didn’t know if we should deliver or not.   I was a mess!  I remeber coming to and asking the  drs. if my baby was beautiful…..I  vagely remeber hearing someone mummering yes.  We had a memorial service the next day with family and close friends.  And we released 2 dozen pink and blue balloons that we wrote messages on while braym’s lulluaby played in the background.  I know that God was welcoming our sweet angel because there was a perfect halo around the sun that day.  about 3 weeks after we lost him we got our labs back….we had a little boy….he didn’t have any abnormalities, he was perfect.  We named him Ian Patrick.

Not a day goes by, that I don’t think of our sweet Ian,  I wonder what it would have been like to have 3 little ones running around.  I struggle every day with the fact that Ian isn’t coming back…..I now wish that we had decided to deliver…..I wish I could have held him at least once, although I know that once would never be enough.  My life is forever changed.

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