November 22, 2010


June 6, 2011

Indianapolis, IN


My husband and I knew that we wanted two children. We decided that on our first date. He is the middle child of 5, and I am the oldest of 3. Two seemed to be the perfect number. Tables at restaurants are designed for families of four, cars are designed for four, our home is made for four. Two children would make our already blessed life even more blessed.

In July 2008, a few months after we were married, we decided to start trying. We were 28 and didn’t want to waste any time. I knew nothing about getting pregnant. I stopped taking my birth control and we found one of those online pregnancy calculators. I had one cycle after stopping my pills, and in September 2008, we were pregnant. I was on cloud 9. I had no worries of anything – we told people right away without any fear. We were lucky. In May 2009, we had a beautiful baby boy who is the light of my world.

In December 2009, we decided to start trying again. We should have waited longer since I had a c-section, but I had read that it could take longer the second time around, so we gave it a shot. In January, I started temping and using opk’s. In September, I went to the doctor. By this time, I knew more about my cycle and timing intercourse than I wanted to know. I was told that I was a healthy 30 year old and it would happen. In October 2010, it did. On my 31st birthday at that. We were so excited, but I refused to let him tell anyone until we heard the heart beat. My gut kept telling me something was wrong. On November 11 at 8w5d, we saw a beautiful heartbeat. I was so excited, and we told our parents that weekend. The next week that nagging feeling of something being wrong came back, but I wrote it off until Sunday, when I saw pink on the toilet paper. I had some back pain that day, but we thought I had just overdone it at a family gathering. I called the OB on November 23rd just to make sure. They got us in for an ultrasound, when we heard those words “I can’t find the heartbeat.” The rest of the day is a blur. They took me back to a room. I remember feeling really bad for the tech, arranging child care for my son because we were having a D&C, calling work and telling them I wasn’t going back that day, and listening to DH tell our parents that we had lost the baby. I remember going to the surgery center and having to answer all of the questions about wanting a service or not and the other services they had for “women like me.” I wasn’t prepared to answer those questions. I remember walking into the surgery room, crying because my husband couldn’t come with me. I remember waking up and feeling so alone in the recovery room, crying because I wanted my husband and they wouldn’t let me see him. The following days were hard. It was Thanksgiving and I had to put on a happy face for family dinners, and hold it together when everyone asked when we were having another baby. I felt empty and alone.

We waited the 3 months my OB wanted before we started trying again in Feb 2011. After 2 more months, I went in and asked about Clomid. She agreed that Clomid might help and gave me a prescription. We started the first week of April.

On May 2, 2011, I took a test and it was positive! My rainbow baby. I didn’t tell my husband until I had everything confirmed. He was more excited than I was. My OB wanted to see me at 7wks for an ultrasound. May 23, 2011, we went in and saw a heart beat at 120. We had the same ultrasound tech as before.  The baby measured small, and my progesterone levels were low and not coming up. Still, there was a heart beat and they were optimistic that all would be fine. “We heard the heart beat. Your chances of miscarriage go way down now.” She wanted to repeat the ultrasound in 2 weeks. On June 6, we went in at 8am for our repeat ultrasound. We had the same tech again. We heard those words again “I can’t find a heart beat.” Devistation. They took me to the same room they did last time. I hate that room. More tests will be run, more blood will be drawn. This has hit me harder than my last loss. Maybe it’s because the loss is so close to our last. Maybe it’s because my first due date is here. I feel broken and alone.

I have two angels in heaven. Two angels who watch over me and my family. Two angels who are loved by God. Two angels who I will see someday.

I am the face of back-to-back losses. I am the face of hope for another baby that I can hold in the future.


Angela can be contacted at

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  1. Tamara fender says:

    You are not alone. Thank God for this website. We have six angel babies. Some days are tougher than others. Make sure you don’t misinterpret the fathers attitude.I thought for years that he didn’t care as much as I did. Men hand.le it differently. I will pray for you all. P.s. We adopted two wonderful babies.

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