Mom to 4 angles due to miscarriage

July 2000 (7wks), October 2001 (11 1/2 weeks), August 2003 (5 weeks), August 2007 (6weeks)


I never knew if I could get pregnant.  I knew I had endometriosis. I used to tell people I did not know if we wanted children, but oh, we wanted a baby so bad.  Imagine my surprise when I was pregnant just weeks after our wedding.  However, deep down, I knew immediately something wasn’t right. At the time there really wasn’t a way to know- no pain or anything. It was just a feeling.  About a week after I found out I was pregnant I began spotting. I was living in a new town and did not have a doctor but I called one to make an appointment.  I was told it was normal to spot. It didn’t feel normal, but noboday seemed to care.  Of course, it would not have mattered even if I could have seen the doctor.  I spotted for well over a week, maybe two.  One rainy, late summer morning I woke up and knew that was it.  I knew that day would be the end of our pregnancy.  I asked my husband to look up directions to the nearest ER and we drove.  I screamed and cried as it all came to end. I shook with fear and sadness so deep I thought I would never escape.

That was loss number one.  Soon after we were blessed with a pregnancy but of course, I was a nervouse wreck the whole way through.  We are so proud of our first child.

Soon after he was born we were surprised to find ourselves expecting again.  Unplanned? Yes but so loved immediately.  My first ultrasound at just over 6 weeks showed barely a flicker of a heartbeat.  My doctor told me not to worry but I already knew it wasn’t right.  The doctors told me maybe I miscalculated my dates. I knew I hadn’t.  We went back to an ultrasound the day after 9/11 and things still didn’t look good.  What a trying time.   For over a month, I went for weekly appointments and ultra sound.  The baby would grow, but the sac wouldn’t.  Then some other anamoly would appear.  I cried every day for our baby.  We asked to see a specialist sometime during my 11th week of pregnancy, a day after our latest ultrasound showed problems.  But that day of the appointment with the specialist, our baby was gone. No heartbeat.  There he or she was, up on a tv screen, still, so present in our lives.   It was small for its gestational age, behind by over two weeks, but we knew it had a heartbeat the day before.  I felt empty and alone. Defeated. Exhausted.  I went for a dandC the next day.  I felt numb and sad.  Guilty that I was not happier around our infant.  Lost.  Alone. Of course, people expect you to “get over it” so to them, I did. But just below the surface was the constant longing for the angels we had lost.

A few months later I got pregnant, a holiday surprise!  I was joyful but cautious. Every twinge lead me to call the doctor I rented a doppler to listen to the heartbeat.  Soon we had our second child.  I enjoyed motherhood and embraced our situation. I was determined to help others who experienced loss like we did, to let them know it is more normal than they think. My story continues with a very early pregnancy loss followed by another pregnancy and healthy child.  Then several years down the road, another miscarriage, which was tortured by falling hcg #s, unsympathetic on call doctors and the inevitable.  That time, another pregnancy was not so easy.

My  journey has been both blessed and sorrowful.  There are days like today, almost 10 years after our first loss and amost 4 years after our last loss that I still miss those angel babies so much it hurts.  But this journey has brought me here and I would love to chat with anyone feeling lost or who just needs support.  You or your partner. It is my way of honoring my angels.


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