Mom to Hannah Joy, February 8th, 2010

and James Oliver, April 25th, 2010

St. Peters, Missouri

February 7, 2010, forever changed my life. After arriving at a Superbowl party, I was rushed to the hospital only to have surgery to remove a baby I didn’t know existed before I had gotten there. My body went into shock as I lost 80cc’s of blood. My left tube ruptured. I lost the baby we had been trying for, my left tube and hope all in one day. I lost my angel baby #1 around 3:30 a.m. on February 8, 2010.

When the doctor told me I was pregnant in the emergency room, I immediately felt the “mother’s instinct”. My fiance, 6 year old daughter and I were overjoyed. After losing that baby, I wanted to get pregnant again so badly. I craved being pregnant again. I didn’t heed the doctor’s warning to give my body some time to heal. Within 2 months we were pregnant again.

After confirming the pregnancy through a blood test, I went in alone for a routine ultrasound on a Thursday. The ultrasound tech was nice and talkative throughout the first part of the exam. Then she moved on to the second part and got very quiet. I knew something was wrong but was in denial. Was she catching on to something that had to do with the pain I’d been having in my right tube area? She went to get her supervisor who confirmed my worst fear. It was another ectopic pregnancy. I cried so loud and for so many hours and they wouldn’t let me leave the hospital until I spoke with my ob/gyn. They scheduled the Methotrexate shot for Friday.

I had the shot and laid in bed all weekend feeling weak. Early Sunday a.m. around 4:00, I felt that something wasn’t right. I called my parents to come get me and take me to the hospital as my fiance wasn’t home. We made it to the hospital and I was able to tell the staff exactly what was going on. The ob/gyn resident performed an ultrasound and told me that she saw my baby’s heart beat. To this day, that still tears me up. I went into surgery only an hour later. My right tube had shredded. I lost my second angel baby and my right tube within 2 and a half months of my first. I was devastated.

Right after the first miscarriage in February I wanted to name the baby. Paul was having a hard time dealing as well and didn’t want to name it I guess because he thought it would be easier to move on that way. I have not stopped thinking about it since then but didn’t bring it up again either. After our loss in April I read the book Hannah’s Hope. The author of that book was in the same boat I was. She prayed about it and talked it over with her husband and they decided to name their babies. I brought it up to Paul again already having a girl’s name in mind. He was more on board with it but not overly excited. On Mothers Day, I decided that one of the things that I wanted to do was finally give our babies an identity. I have always thought the February baby was a girl… Maybe because in the hospital they gave me a purple and pink pillow. In April, Paul and I were really wanting a boy that time and deep down I felt that it was. So here is to Hannah Joy (Hannah from the Bible who suffered from infertility and Joy which is the emotion I felt when the doctor told me that the pregnancy test was positive) and James Oliver (James from the book of James in the Bible which talks about trials and tribulation and Oliver which means “cautious” and that’s how my dr. told us to be when finding out the test was positive… “be cautiously optimistic”).

We love you and miss you very much, Hannah Joy and James Oliver.
“Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would give my life for you. This is the miracle of life.” ~ Maureen Hawkins

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  1. I feel for you. I had been trying too. My heart goes out to you! God bless.

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