Mom to Audrey

March 10th, 2011

South River, New Jersey

On March 1st, we found out she was a girl (which we had known all along!) I don’t think I could have been any happier. Everything they had measured at the ultrasound was fine. They just could not take a good look at her heart because of the position she was laying it. The ultrasound tech had to call in a doctor (not my doctor) to see if she could get Audrey to change positions. It was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. The doctor was being super rough on my belly and shaking it. (I didn’t know any better to say something!) After about an hour of torture, we scheduled another ultrasound on the 25th to get the rest of her measurements. Audrey’s heartbeat was a steady 143 bpm.

Freaky happenings during the week: I see two ghosts and have the feeling something is wrong with Audrey (although have no symptoms of anything)

On March 8th (exactly one week later), I had my regular OB appointment at the doctor’s office. The doctor take out the doppler, and can not find the heart beat. She assumes Audrey is being stubborn like she was at my ultrasound at the hospital. The doctor leaves to open up the ultrasound room so we can look and I started to cry. I told my fiance something is wrong and he assures me everything is okay. We go into the ultrasound room and we were unable to see a heart beat. The machine at my doctor’s office is pretty old, so she sends us back over to the hospital for an emergency ultrasound. When we get there, we are brought into the room by the same doctor we had last week. She confirms Audrey has passed.

How can this be I thought? All of our tests, ultrasounds, genetics, blood work had been perfect up to this point. We heard her heartbeat just 7 days ago.

We are sent back to the doctors office to meet with my doctor to discuss our options. She says we can do a D&C or induce labor. She suggested that a D&C would be easier “emotionally” and quicker. I knew I wanted to do the induced labor right away. My mother tried to convince me otherwise. I couldn’t bear to think of my baby possibly being taken out out of me in pieces. She deserved to brought out like any other baby. We both wanted to know what went wrong here and have an autopsy done, as well as see and hold her.

The next morning I was admitted to the hospital. My fiance and mother came along with me and would stay throughout the next 24 hours. About an hour later my doctor came to see me and let me know exactly what was going to happen. We asked for an additional ultrasound just to confirm it once more, I still had hope that she would come back to me overnight.

I was started on the induction medicine around 9 am and would take it every 3 (or was it 4?) hours until she was born. The really bad contractions didn’t kick in until about 1 am or so and was given an epidural around 3 am. After that I fell asleep and woke up about 6 am. I was fully dilated and the nurse could see her head. The nurse called my doctor to come to the hospital so that I can push. When she arrived, Audrey was delivered in one or two pushes at 6:46 AM on March 10th. The nurses cleaned her up and wrapped her in a blanket and hat. The night shift nurse took her foot prints for me, which I am so grateful for. They are so beautiful. That nurse treated me like her own daughter the whole time I was in her care. She held my hand to let me know everything would be okay and gave me a hug when her shift ended. They informed that she did not look like a normal baby before handing her to me. I immediately thought “what are they talking about?” She looked perfect to me. Everything was there, including her little finger nails. She was just very small, only 9 1/2 inches and 10 ounces. She had my fiancé’s ears and my round face. Her favorite color is purple (she told me).

The next morning I woke up to the door bell ringing with a beautiful bouquet of colored roses from some wonderful girls. Ten days later, the only rose left alive is the purple one.

We had the autopsy done on her and are still waiting for results. She has also been cremated and is home with us now. I am glad to have had the experience of labor and been able to hold and see my little girl. The hardest part was leaving the hospital with empty arms. I love you Audrey Madeline.


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