Mom to Hayden James
January 8th, 2011
Clovis, California
On January 7th, 2011, I learned that I will experience the worst incident anyone could possibly imagine: the loss of their child. I don’t even know what to say about the whole thing except for how it’s not fair. Why does everyone else get to go home with their babies and mine lies asleep forever?

The weekend we welcomed the new year of 2011 was great. I am 21 years old and had been having the “perfect” pregnancy. Beyond healthy, and beyond excited. My husband and I were down south visiting my family for the new year and it was full of joy and laughter. I had noticed that Hayden’s movements were not as often or as “hard” as they had been and began to worry. I shared with my husband my concern and he tried to comfort me telling me he was probably just resting. I assumed I was probably being paranoid, but as Hayden’s movements got slower and slower, my concern grew greater and greater. The morning we were getting ready to head home, I lay in bed praying, God just please make him kick. And he did! Very hard! I was so excited and felt so relieved, but little did I know that would be the last swift kick he would give. He was telling me goodbye and that he was heading off to be with the angels. After that kick, Hayden’s movements were extremely few and far between.

Friday, January 7th, slow turned to stop and I just knew something wasn’t right. I called Dr. Dave’s office on Friday afternoon around 2:00pm and let them know what was happening. They told me to immediately go to labor and delivery at the hospital for a stress test, and told me that everything was probably okay, but to go in just in case. Immediately my heart began racing. I was at work at the time and my boss told me she didn’t think I should drive myself there. Thank goodness for that. My husband was at work and I didn’t want him to worry unless there was a definite cause for it, so I just told him I would call him once at the hospital. My mom picked me up from work and we headed there. My mind told me everything would be fine; but my heart knew otherwise. The second they placed the doppler to my stomach and there was no heartbeat, my entire sense of being disappeared. I just looked around the room for someone to please just help my baby but there was nothing anyone could do; he was gone. They nurses pushed and pressed against my stomach trying and trying to find the heartbeat as I lay there screaming and crying. My mom was just holding me and crying. She went and called my husband and told him to come immediately. I was immediately put into a labor and delivery room where they shut the doors to the nursery because my baby would not be staying in there. I had to listen to the other women and families in the rooms next door crying tears of joy as we cried tears of sorrow.

I delivered the most beautiful handsome baby boy on Saturday Jan. 8th 2011 at 2:55pm. I didn’t want to see him. I was so afraid that if I saw him looking distressed or in pain that I would never be able to get that image out of my head. But as I thought about him just laying there, I couldn’t bear to let him think I didn’t want to hold him. He was my beautiful baby boy. Later in the evening I was finally able to muster up the courage to see him. Oh my God he was perfect. Every single feature on his body was flawless and I just cannot understand why on earth he was taken from me. Why did I carry him without a single issue for this long, his heartbeat so strong and his kicks with enough power to fuel a professional soccer team, and he was still taken away from me. He was so beautiful. The nurses that took care of Jeff and I were so wonderful. Their names were Candy and Nancy and they had the most amazing hearts in the world.

I will never forget the moment we drove away from the hospital and I really realized he wasn’t coming home with us. It was a moment of pure anger, confusion, despair, and about nine or ten other emotions. Upon arriving at home, Jeff and I looked through the memory box the hospital created for us. We cried and cried and just held the box close. My heart ached to have my baby back inside me, and for him to just keep on growing. His nursery was ready, and my baby shower was supposed to be January 29th. I was just so lost and hurt. The box the hospital created for us was absolutely incredible and I will treasure it for the rest of my life. The photo CD they provided was great, they included a tape measure with all of his measurements documented on it (head circumference, foot length, full body length etc), his outfit, blanket, and hospital tag, a few locks of hair, and foot prints. It honestly made me feel more at peace to go through the box.

Our family and friends have been beyond supportive and incredible. So many people have stepped up and offered to make meals, do chores, and just simply keep us company. It is such a wonderful thing to have so many loving people surrounding us. For now, we are going to take time to heal, which of course will be a process. I know we have a roller coaster of emotions racing ahead of us, but we have been so strong and supportive of each other I know we will be okay. I am having a necklace engraved with Hayden’s footprints on it and Jeff is having a dog tag made. Just something nice to keep close to us. It has only been two weeks since our baby boy went to heaven. I miss him so much, everyday I just ache to hold him and kiss him. But as his headstone states, he was just “too beautiful for earth”.

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  1. Shelley VanFleet says:

    {{{hugz}}} I am sorry about the loss of your angel. I am on here too, it's a horrible club to be a part of, but know we are all here for you <3

  2. Our angel baby Hayden James~forever in my heart! Mima

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